to change you need to...change.

the other day i day dreamt i was on a cliff side. a steep fall ahead of me. across the edge, just far enough away, was the other side. i could see it. the clean, disciplined version of myself. the pursuer of dreams. the reliable, humorous friend and worker. i could see the version of myself who couldnt sit idly by while years passed without direction or vision. while those around me continued writing their stories of redemption and hope; of justice, deliverance, and peace. across the edge of the cliff in front of me, i could see the version of myself whose legacy would be one of small (and even big) inspirations. inspiration to keep moving. inspiration to trust. to walk. to cope. to take risks. to act. across the edge of the cliff, just far enough away, was the other side. and to reach it, i could see i needed to jump off. i needed to fall and let myself be caught. i needed to take the rope set before me. and i needed to climb up to the other side. 

in order to change into who i saw across the edge i needed to jump, be caught, and climb. in order to change, i needed to change. 

oh the eb and flow that is learning and re-learning. growing, regressing, and re-growing.

i know i have been at this impasse before. it may seem silly, but it's a bit emotional for me. to jump off the edge is to loose comfort. to be caught is to trust in what i cannot see. to climb up the other side of the cliff is to work hard and let go of the comfort of complacency that i have become so ensnared in.

today, reluctantly, i am jumping. 

i am jumping because in the last few days a few key things have happened to inspire me. first, i read and saw many accounts of a woman some of my great friends knew: Lizzy. her story is heroic. and her life seemed to match up with her final heroic act: sacrificing her own life so that her unborn daughter could live. her legacy is just beginning, and it is already effecting people worldwide! i am inspired to action despite my day to day feelings by Lizzy's story. i am inspired to truly live out Phil. 2:3-4 by Lizzy's story :"let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others". because of her legacy, i am inspired to leave one of my own that is more than talk. one that is action.

second, people have been affirming me in small ways saying things like: they could see what i say being a stand up comedy routine, or what i say should be put on t shirts to be sold... which help remind me of unique gifts i was given (as we all were given unique gifts of our own). lastly, today i read this on a friends facebook status: "Women-keep pressing yourself more fully and express that to this world. Our world needs your beauty, your creativity, and your intelligence. I beg of you not to just be one fraction of a person, but the FULL array of who you are meant to be. Dont hold anything back!" (Layne Eiler). 

i dont want to hold anything back. i dont want to get lost in this big world, drowning in a sea of meaninglessness that is constant entertainment and technology and daydreaming and being someone youre not. i want to be the version of myself i see above me now- on the other side of the cliff. i want to "walk worthy of the calling with which [i was] called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace"- Ephesians 4:1-3, and want to remember that "we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them"- Ephesians 2:10, and that "He Himself gave some... for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ...that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ- from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every party does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love"-Ephesians 4:11-16. (boldness added). 

i want to do my share. i want to use my gifts to edify the body. i want to use them to make people laugh. to raise my daughter. to welcome people in. into my home. into my life. into the body of Christ. and i want to use my gifts to leave a legacy that is God glorifying, and that inspires action. 

i trust the One Who caught me when i jumped off the old end of myself today. 

if you need me, i'll be here making the slow climb up the other side... i never said i would climb fast; just that i would climb. 

i think we are going to miss it.

i have a sweet daughter. she is a toddler. she is infuriating. and adorable. and hilarious. ive never felt as much real joy as when i am with her. ive never felt more outside myself. never more sure of what matters in life. never more unsure of who i am, or where i am going. never more conflicted about use of time: the everyday, travel, or family visits. never more aware how fragile and fleeting moments are. never more sure that God exists and is present with us. never more exhausted or overwhelmed. never happier. (though i am a realist who says what i am feeling in all moments, so most people think i am most often unhappy. this is inaccurate. im just honest).

since before we got married my husband and i have discussed having kids. what a funny thing to discuss and decide on before we know what it will actually be like! (we all do it). he wanted more kids than me. he never considered adoption. all i wanted to do was adopt. we got married anyway. and im glad! (obviously). but, oh the talks we've had! disagreements all around. 

then...

our daughter. if you'd asked either of us the first two months of her life if we would have another, we would probably have yelled a resounding "NO!" at you before you even finished asking the question. i dont know if you know this, but babies starts smiling around 2 months. and this can capture your heart in ways you never thought possible. it can happen to moms and dads. it happens to a lot of moms. in our family, dan was the first to go. in the way that i mean anyway. (of course this girl had me at hello...or maybe just after hello ;) ) but SHE had me. not some other future baby. just HER. i am very stubborn about separating her from the world of babies. just because she got me, doesnt mean im ready for another. (and i may never be, but thanks for your opinion on the subject). 

more discussions ensued. more disagreements. more stubbornness (from me mostly). i had a traumatic birth, yes. that was one of the reasons for stubbornness. i think, give a girl time, you know? this is a big deal. also, realize staying at home as a mom means a lot (even if you go to a job also it means a lot to have a baby) because after youre pregnant forever, then you push this baby out of yourself (or it is removed another very painful way from your body), then your whole body is still enslaved to that baby!! nursing, no sleep, covered in spit up or poop, or both! not being able to eat certain foods that the baby cant handle. all. day. long. in my life anyway, my husband goes to work. he's gone 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. having a baby, or a second baby, is very different for him. it just is, you know? you get to keep your body, sir!!!! sounds luxurious to me. but, i get that the grass is greener. just saying my perspective is all. 

anyway, it's 1 year and 4 months later now. this girl has my heart. i cry thinking of another baby because i want to love her with my time, my money, my everything. i want her to have all of me. but, she loves babies. i mean loves. we went to see my friends two month old twins yesterday, and when she wined when i held one of the babies my friend thought it was because she was jealous. nope. it's because she loves babies. she wants that baby more than me, more than anything. and my husband. he is sweet. he is my best friend. no matter what problems or struggles we have had. we are best friends and we want what is best for each other. he is an excellent dad. seriously. you should see his joy when she is happy. when she dances. its beautiful to see. it's a picture of how God looks at us as His children. 

so here i am. my daughter wants a baby, my husband wants a baby. ok. i understand. i dont feel pressured. i feel like time has cured my stubbornness. my selfishness. i feel like God can redeem my birth experience. i trust that. i see the struggle of everyday motherhood. of toddlerhood. of parenthood. and since i have already entered into it, i think why not continue it? im sure the joy another child adds will supersede the everyday struggles in the early years. im sure we are going to miss it. these simple moments at home watching our child discover the world. watching them learn to smile, crawl, sit up, walk, dance, talk, love. i am sure we are going to miss it. so, let's do it. and let's enjoy those moments. let's laugh when they poop on us, and let's take a picture to remember the simpler times. when going to target alone was so much fun to us. when getting out of the house once a day was a victory, no matter where we went. when that cup of coffee was not only warmed up 5 times that morning, but still tasted like the sweet nectar of the gods because it got us through the day. it's all worth it. and i know that. 

(ps. we are still going to do foster to adopt one day. and we are not pregnant nor hoping to become pregnant soon. i have simply began to realize many important things about life which i am sharing with you, one of them being that children add to life. and i will try for another sometime).    

hey. whoa. life!

just thinking these days. life slows down a bit as a stay at home mom (at least for me). it's busy too. hard to explain i guess. naps are quite long and yield to "freetime" as some call it. "chore time", alone time. well, i am an extrovert, and as nap schedules and an energetic baby become more of a priority, this mom spends less and less time extrovert..ing. life things are still happening though. marriage things. friendships. desires are still springing up in my heart. but, alas, i'm sitting alone waiting for my baby to wake up a lot of the day. thinking. wishing. dreaming. day dreaming. fantasizing other people's lives via facebook. my need for extraverting lends to laziness while alone. especially combined with all the thoughts in my head. instead of getting things done, i find myself watching tv to "getaway" as if this will somehow make things better. while it is a great way to relax once in a while (i think) i do not want it to be my go to. it increases my daydreaming. takes me further from reality.

i've gotten to hang out a few nights in big groups of friends recently. people. i need this. so, this is documentation to remind myself (and my sweet husband who understands) that i should do this regularly to get my extroverts out. i need this and i need dates with my husband. (we have been working on this). ive found there are things that i need that i wish i didnt need. like my friend said last night at happy hour, "i like the idea of not wanting gifts, but i do want gifts". In the same way, i like the idea of being simple and laid back not needing to ask much of my husband, but i need to ask some of my husband. i feel better when i do. i feel better when i go out with him, and when i go out with friends. it's how i recharge. life is not about me. i know. life is life. it's weird and it's point is highly debated. i am of the camp that life is a gift with an unknown end date that is given by a Kind and Loving Creator in order that we would love Him and others, making an impact on other lives as we go along. i like that life has meaning. but it doesnt mean i always live towards this. it doesnt mean i always feel happy. or even joy. but i do find that simple things are helping. reading His Word. honesty with myself and with my husband. prayer. music. and as mentioned above: going out with my husband, and with friends. also, games. also, waking up when my baby does and seeing her so happy.

then the big things that would help: going on a new adventure. whether short term or permanent. whether nearby or far (hopefully both). instead of holding my desires inside and not sharing them because i am embarrassed or ashamed that i desire them, ive decided i'll pray through them, then share them with my husband. after all, he is my partner in life. we chose each other to walk with. might as well keep up with each other, and enjoy the journey.

end random conglomerate of thoughts. happy wednesday :)

the inefficient mother.

im a mother. all of the sudden. i am a mother. before this though, i was just erin. erin the human who wasnt a mother. and who wasnt efficient. and who wasnt organized. and who wasnt prompt. i was just erin. i was a friend. a good listener. i was interested in people; in helping however i could; in effecting change. i was also prone to laziness. interested in taking naps and watching tv. luckily i nixed my earlier habit of also eating my weight in cheese balls and coca cola, but i was still very interested in watching tv. i enjoyed simple things. but also sought adventure. community was important to me, but i also desired comfort. i loved seeing my favorite bands play live over and over. (thrice 10 times, mewithoutYou 10 times, all together separate 11 times, etc). i loved making people laugh, bringing people together, writing my thoughts down. i thought it was important to share what i had because Jesus said in the Bible to share what you have so that none have need. i thought everyone was connected because Paul said in the Bible that God made all from one blood. i didnt like to do hard or scary things, but i still did them. i road my bike across america and up the west coast because i felt pulled towards it. i loved sharing about organizations that were answering the call of Jesus to serve others. i went sky diving even though i am very scared of heights. i always felt drawn towards Africa, specifically Tanzania, Rwanda, Uganda, Swaziland, DRC, and Cameroon (shout out to donald baliaba if youre reading!) because i was scared of most things, i just did them despite my fear because i figured if i didnt do them, i would just sit around and watch tv and eat cheese balls all day everyday until maybe one day i would receive my fifteen minutes of fame for being on some TLC show about being so fat that you cant move. im serious.

when i got married i entertained the idea of having children from my body. before that i never thought i would do it. adoption, to me seemed like the only way. there are so many children awaiting families and i wanted to be their family. and i still do. badly. but i never thought i would do the pregnancy and childbirth thing. of course i was in on the idea when it came down to it because it seemed awesome for there to be a tiny version of my husband and i in the world. then as it all happened, it felt so much like an out of body experience. like, "how is this my life?" "how are these things happening to me?" it was very hard for me. very foreign. interesting. beautiful, yes. but, foreign. and beyond scary. as my pregnancy progressed i got more and more scared because i couldnt control how this baby would come out of me, all i knew is that she had to. and i wished and wished that could change somehow. that she could exist outside of me without me having to get her out. inevitably, she had to come out. and she did. and we all know how that went.

now she is 7 months old. and such an enormous joy. i cant believe she is mine to hold. this girl is hilarious. she is so curious. so strong. so stinkin cute. i am her mother. and i am so amazed by that. but guess what else? i am still erin. i am still all the things i was more than i can ever be all the things that are projected on me to be as a mother. i am an inefficient mother. dont feel bad for me. i dont mind. im just being honest with myself and with you. i'll try to grow of course. i'll listen to advice with a grain of salt, of course. but, as of yesterday, i decided i'll quit putting pressure on myself to somehow "grow up", or somehow be whatever others think a mother should be. and you know what i'll be instead?

i'll be erin.

and i think Lilly will enjoy erin as her mother. you know why? because we will laugh a lot at ourselves. because we will cry together. we will apologize together for our tardiness.  (i am apologetic when my flaws effect others' lives negatively). and i guess that is why i was worried that i wasnt organized, creative, crafty, tech savvy, good at cooking or doing hair, or matching for my daughter. because i thought these were flaws and that she needed a mother who could do these things. but, then i realized these arent what  makes a mother. they are just often the things we see mothers doing. and if i cannot do them, it's okay because i am a mother regardless of my proficiency in these areas. and that wont effect my daughter negatively. if she wants to learn one of these things, i'll try and learn with her. and/or i'll ask a friend to help teach her/us. and you know what i'll do no matter what my flaws or inefficiencies? i'll love Lilly with all my heart. every day. and i think she will know that, that is what a mother is. and that, to me is what matters.

what happend on september 7th and the following days.

it's been 5 months. i've needed to write this out, but it's hard to find the time. and it's hard to find the words.

let me tell you a story.

five months ago on september 7th, my due date, my water broke: a little. i didnt know for sure if it was my water. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. my back was hurting and i wondered if i was having contractions. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. i went to my midwives office and she checked me. my water had broken, and i was having contractions. small contractions. she said that i had 72 hours to go into labor before i would have to start trying natural induction strategies. dan thought that probably  meant i wouldnt go into labor that day. i thought it probably meant i would. my midwife said go home, eat dinner, and get rest. so we went out to dinner at the oak, our favorite place to get a burger, went home, and watched 50 first dates in our bed (we briefly had our old tv in our room). towards the end i was getting very uncomfortable. luckily i had convinced dan to leave the plastic on our mattress in case i went into labor. because by the end of 50 first dates, i was in labor. i learned all these techniques for relaxation in our birth class. we practiced them. i didnt i remember any of them until after labor was over. i couldnt think or move. i couldnt relax. i couldnt even cry, or eat or walk around or bounce on a ball or get into the shower, or anything. i could yell, and that's what i did. my labor was short as far as labors are often concerned. so my doula later said she was afraid she might have to deliver her first baby because the midwife wasnt getting there and i was progressing so quickly! i know that when we called my midwife, i was having contractions 6 minutes apart...ish. then she said call back when they are 3 minutes are less apart. they were 3 minutes apart 10 minutes after our first call to her. so we called her again. and my doula told me later that she was secretly frantically texting my midwife to check on her whereabouts because she thought we would run out of time. my midwife got there on time, but definitely wasnt there long before i started to push. i dont know how long i pushed, but i remember the pain was mostly from how i was holding my body. so uncomfortable! i remember my midwife said i was doing great at not pushing too fast which made me think, "yes, maybe i wont tear so bad", and "what was i afraid of, this is not so bad". but then. Lilly's head was stuck, and my midwife said she needed to cut. Ah! she cut, and i tore. Lilly was presenting asynclitic. with her head tilted in a funny way which made for a rough exit. So, although she only weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces, I was left with some months of recovery that I wasn't expecting. People often describe the way they felt when they saw their baby for the first time as "the best moment of their life" or "so beautiful". I don't remember feeling those things, or anything really. Now I am quite confident that I was in shock. Trauma to my body took away those feelings, and that is unfortunate, but now I have those feelings every moment when I look at Lilly. She is so amazing. And I am so happy to be her mom.

But the story continues... with me, in shock, getting sown up. (just keepin it real here). While administering post birth shots of Pitocin because of bleeding, my midwife states, "Erin, I think I'll have to have you transferred to the hospital for repair, I want a second opinion on this tear so that you will heal well". Or something to that effect. "okay", I said. Shock. "can I have some orange juice? I remember they said I should drink orange juice after and try to walk around". "can I have some food too?" yes. My doula goes to get my juice and food. A burrito or mac n cheese? Mac and cheese. Dan can eat the burrito. Good thing he does because he wouldn't be eating for a while after that. Since Lilly was already born and healthy (thank God!), Swedish would not allow her to come with me unless I entered the hospital via the emergency room. Oh good! But it wasn't an emergency so we waited over and hour, maybe two? For the ambulance to come. They got there after my midwife had administered an I.V. , I had eaten a half toast with peanut butter, and before I could get my clothes on. One female. One male medic. Oh good. My doula helped me get a shirt on quickly and put on those awesome mesh underwear. The medics asked if I wanted to sit in their chair to go down my skinny houses two flights of stairs, or if I could walk. Hmmm. I hate both options. I can't sit or walk. So with the help of my midwife, my doula, and the medics, I army crawled backwards in my mesh underwear down two flights of stairs. Luckily, the stretcher was in my living room and they covered me up before I went outside to the ambulance. Dan got Lilly ready (oh happy first day baby!), and our bag packed up, and after 30 minutes of the two medics and Dan trying to get the carseat into the ambulance, we left for the hospital.

Admitting me to the emergency room took a while. One highlight was my midwife advocating that they don't poke me again but use my current I.V. port to draw blood and do a hospital I.V. through. (thanks Cindie, I needed a win).  I remember joking around with people and trying to help myself cope. My midwife later said she admired that. I was just surviving. At some point they said we could have a post partum room and we could Move to it soon, so we did that. And at some point they told me that I could be put under for my surgery or that I could get a spinal tap and that they recommended a spinal tap because there are people who say anesthesia can get into the breast milk and maybe be bad for the baby. Okay. So I started sobbing. Dan, my midwife, and my doula surrounded me to pray. They said would not be so bad to get the anesthesia for this. I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please! I already did a natural birth, had shots, stitches, an i.v. that didn't want! I didn't get an epidural because I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please don't make me get one now that it's over! I chose anesthesia. Then surgery came. They wheeled me into pre op. Without letting me say goodbye, they stopped Lilly and everyone at door. They said she can't come in because she is a newborn (understandable, but please let this traumatized, emotional, brand freaking. New mom say bye to her baby before you take her away on her first day of life!) my midwife and doula took care of Lilly, and Dan came in with me. We cried together. He held my hand while they told me that I had to wait two more hours because of the half toast I after giving birth. I cried so hard. Why didn't I lie about eating!! I needed this ordeal to be over. We all did. Also I was SO TIRED AND SO HUNGRY. At some point they did let me go see Lilly for 45 minutes before surgery. I was glad to see her but having a hard time because of shock and exhaustion. Then they wheeled me back or surgery finally. (Lilly was born at 5:42am and it was now 2pm and I had labored from 9pm til she was born at 5:42am). There were a bunch of lady doctors surrounding me as they gave me anesthesia. I remember saying, "everything is going to be okay, right?" they said yes. Then I remember the lights, and waking up to their voices. They told me important sounding things that I couldn't retain. Then wheeled me to post op to wake up. The nurse came in to find me weeping. I asked her if I could please see my husband. She said no. No one is allowed I post op,  and she left. I cried harder than I ever have. I don't know. I felt so alone. I needed a hug.

I was so happy to be back in the room wit Dan and Lilly. I remember then laying Lilly on me, my doula giving me a jimmy johns sandwich which I had been craving my whole pregnancy, and her ordering me some milkshakes which my friend Diana had raved about. I don't remember much else. Then the next day we got to go home. It was a relief, though due to silly things, I had to return to the emergency room via ambulance two days later. And what ensued next were many crazy (which is normal) days of getting used to a newborn, and realizing we weren't feeding her well, and engorgement, and blisters (you don't want to know). And me not sitting up again for almost 2months. I spent so many days in my bed. I ate and slept there like they do on TLC's my 600 pound life. I could barely make it to the bathroom, let alone downstairs (where the kitchen is). I needed help and so many amazing friends and family helped me. I am eternally grateful for each of you (you know who you are), and my midwife, Cindie, and my doula, Tiffany. God placed them in my life intentionally. They helped me through. Dan helped me through and I am eternally grateful for his patience, endurance, and support.

But I'm not okay with what happened. I don't know why it happened. And I don't want it to happen again. I needed to write this to help me process, and to say, birth is a big deal. I know it's not always so rough, but it is a big deal. And I don't think you really get it til you do it. I don't really have anything else to say about this. Except that I have some healing to do. And I could use prayer. Thanks for reading and being my friend.

Love,
Erin

tiny baby. big change.

who knew such a tiny girl would bring about such massive changes in mine and my husband's life? i guess most people knew. youre supposed to know these things. taking care of another life is kind of a big deal. and such a tiny life that requires your undivided and immediate attention. all of this would be quite tolerable if the birthing and post part em ordeal was not so overwhelmingly difficult. having a baby would be such bliss if you didnt actually have to have the baby. at least i think so. it's just a little much that God would ask women to carry a baby nine months, push said baby out of their bodies, then be said babies sole source of food while she recovers slowly and painfully from pushing a baby out of her body! it's insanity. of course i know it is our lot, and there are also beautiful parts. like when the baby kicks you for the first time. and when she starts doing summersaults. and when she gets the hiccups and makes your belly noticeably bounce. and after you give birth life changes. in big ways. ways that are beautiful, but also impossible to catch up with. out of nowhere, and after a traumatic event like none other, you, the mother, are expected to do things you have no idea how to do and never have done before: instantly. you're expected to nurse her right away. this is a foreign yet seemingly efficient practice for a first time mother. and it is so vital. you have to figure it out. it doesnt work for everyone of course, and may still not work for me though we are making great strides in the right direction now. it is great to know that formula exists and is a great option for anyone who needs it. but either way this tiny baby needs you to feed her. often. and just like that your whole world is altered forever. instantly and forever.

my baby girl, Lilly, is so beautiful. i was worried she may look funny. i just imagined her getting the weirdest traits from each of us and looking so funny. instead she is so cute and everyone says so. not just me and my husband. she is also so sweet. she makes the cutest faces and is so soft and cuddly. ive never loved anyone like the way i love her. even though this is true, it has been unbelievably hard to become a mother. to have everything change.

the season changed since i have been mostly captive in my room. from summer to fall. i watched from my window as the last of the consecutively beautiful sunny days came and went. it was hard to watch them slip away knowing the cold winter was coming after a short fall. getting used to all the change while pent up alone in a room during the last of seattle's sunny days is a lot. and i did not do well at first. my delivery left me with wounds that really had me confined to my bed for a solid two weeks, and then mostly so since then. my biggest adventure so far  has been short almost daily walks in the last week, and a trip to bent burger for my first beer on tap. it tasted like freedom.

amazingly during this time of healing and growing and being stretched and letting go, everyone helped us. our family, our community group, my co-workers/friends, our roommates, and many other friends. we have been humbled and convicted to do the same for others. we have been blessed. with an amazing community and a beautiful, precious little baby. we are blessed. i cant believe that this is my life now, and often times through out the day i have vivid memories of the past pop into my head like i am viewing a movie and i look back yearning for those times. and then i look down at my precious tiny baby girl, and i am floored that this baby is mine to take care of. to love and to cherish. i carried her in my womb as she was being knit together. and now i carry her in my arms as she grows. and because of her i am growing. the change that she brings is both necessary and something i was unprepared for. both beautiful and difficult.

alongside my tiny baby, i am growing. and it is a wonderful phenomena however painful the process.

i learned a new way to breathe.

people say im too hard on myself. and also that they are worried about me. and also that they are afraid I am mad. and that I lack confidence.

well I hear you. and I agree.

here's what I want to say.

I don't want to be like this.

I want to be a regular human. not a perfect human. just a regular one.

I think I am very aware. too aware maybe. which causes over analysis of myself and everyone/thing around me.

this is also mixed with a real desire to make sure everyone around me is happy. even if I am not happy. mixed also with a good amount of realization that life is short, and moves too quickly past us. and finally mixed with a good amount of fear. fear of change. death. loss. discomfort. etc... 

ive also got a faith. a real faith in a real God. who is big and intentional and gave me individuality and a skillset. I guess I want to separate what God made me to be out from what holds me back- what can and needs to change about who I started becoming. I think of sara groves' song- rewrite this tragedy- she says what I am thinking, "sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill. what of this makes us who we are. all that we love the most; all that we can not let go of; how much of change can we survive".

I think I used to be independent. always silly. always someone different. always asking for help, but trying myself first. more confident, and driven. but always closely knit to a friend group. always part of a team. I guess im sad I lost some of that.

but I can feel that God is bringing it back. I can tell He is putting me in situations where it's just Him and I and I press on through His strength. and He doesn't disappoint.

having a loving, intelligent, best friend as a husband is a blessing without question. but I think I lean on him too much. I think I collapse onto him. like for the last 3 years I just needed to rest. but he helped me get back on my feet. he helped sharpen me again.

and now I find myself again. ready to grow. to be changed. to face fears. to make mistakes and learn from them. to pray often and listen closely. to let go of who I see myself as, and to be who God created me to be. to trust His leading, and collapse onto Him while holding my best friend's hand. and even through the inevitable tears, press further and further on. always knowing that even if this life ends for me or for anyone I love, the life we experience in eternity is far greater than we can now fathom, and far longer than we will ever know. so everything is okay either way. because God is big and real and loves us.