oh the pressure of life has been weighing on me lately. sometimes, i guess, i get this idea that everything i want to do needs to be done now. or quickly. and there is no time to actually relax. even when i am sitting doing nothing, im thinking of the lists of things i want to accomplish and convincing myself that there are too many things. overwhelmed, i begin to rush life. i miss out on the journey. i ignore the freedom, and i stop walking.
today we went to see don speak. he was the guest speaker at a church in gilbert that reminded me a lot of the oaks fellowship in red oak, texas. don hit the nail on the head. this church in gilbert, az is focused on the verse micah 6:8. "what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God". don was invited to speak on the part of the verse that says, "walk humbly with God". he spoke a lot about walking. about movement with God. about how we connect with God when we are doing. when we jump in. when we take risks. when we dream big, and move with Him. he talked about being a child. when we would create as children. if someone gave us a box of crayons and a peice of paper we would go to town on that paper, creating something beautiful and chaotic on the canvas. don talked about doing that now, as followers of Christ. not asking God, "what is Thy will for my life?", but saying, "thank you for this canvas, God, thank you for this freedom" and drawing on it, whatever is in our hearts. just start drawing. even if it is a purple horse. dive in.
he said, "find the thing that's in your heart, that moves you most, and do it" he said, "God gave that to you". don talked about us being a part of an orchestra as the Body of Christ. he quoted his band director, who said, "when you are playing make sure you never stop looking at me, and keep listening for the other instruments; if you can't hear them, you are playing too loud". don said this a good metaphor for our lives with Christ. keep looking at Him and listening to the voices of the Orchestra around us. in this orchestra of the Body, God gets the solo. but we have to play. together.
and that is beautiful. and that is freedom. and when i think of all of this. and when i think of how God uses the weak to lead the strong. the weary and broken to speak out. i remember that He gets the glory. and this life is a gift. and when i remember all of this, the weight begins to lift. the pressure begins to release.
but it always comes back. and when it comes back i think maybe i am bipolar, or i have some sort of emotional problems that only good sessions of heavy counseling can unravel. i mean, because this pressure is sometimes hard to bear. the thing is it's brought on by my own self. my own mind. maybe satan. a confusion that tells me im doing everything wrong. im missing out on something. im going to make a bad decision that changes everything. my dreams will never be fulfilled. everyone is against me. no one hears what i say. and then because i am thinking so much about myself, i focus on stripping myself of self. i think constantly, how can i stop being selfish? how can i take the focus on me and make sure all my motivation is found in loving God?
and then don talked about humility. about stripping oneself of self. and how if we are thinking about it, we are focused on ourselves. and we can't become selfless this way. like everything else in life, we have to just live. we have to just walk. we have to keep our eyes on God and walk. and when we are doing this, we distract ourselves from the idea of humility, selflessness, and we just are humble, and selfless. and we dont even realize it. like Jesus. but, because we are human, and not God, we can only get a glimpse of this in life. in our interactions with God; when we are distracted by His glory, we get a glimpse of how amazing He is, and we are, in those moments, freed from ourselves.
in walking with God, i've begun to see the pressure that i put on myself. im thinking it will always be there. but, im thinking things like training for ride:well, riding across america, being a part of a team, community, and moving across country make it fade. i think that doing things that scare me start releasing the pressure. and when i breathe in God there is freedom. and the weight is lifted. and i am less likely to be quick to anger, more likely to smile. less likely to have a headache, and more likely to rest in Him. and when my heart starts beating too quickly, i will know to stop my mind from racing, and breathe in deeply. and then release.
Justin and I were just talking about these very things when I pulled up your blog. Thanks for sharing! You rock;)
ReplyDeleteThis rocked dudette. In the very first paragraph I thought you were talking about me and I was like, 'but how does she KNOW, that's so sneaky!' Biggest problem for me ever. While I usually love what Don says, I would have to urge caution on the 'do what your heart's desire is' idea. It begins to sound a little bit too much like a permission to do whatever you want and God will smile on it. Perhaps if we put that if your first desire above all others is to serve God and love God then whatever your heart wants to do will work out too? I've been learning that you have to give what you want back/up to God before you can have it :)
ReplyDeleteyes, ben, i agree. that is what he said. but maybe i just didnt make it supa clear.
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