i am changing. less, and less asleep.

i dont want to leave here.
i dont want to stay.
it feels like pinching to me. either way.

the places i long for the most are the places where i've been.
they are calling out to me. like a long lost friend.

it's not about losing faith.
it's not about trust.
it's all about comfortable when you move so much.

and the place i was, wasnt perfect. but i had found a way to live.
and it wasnt milk or honey. but, then neither is this.

i've been painting pictures of egypt.
leaving out what it lacks.
the future feels so hard and i want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me. cannot hold the things i've learned.
and those roads were closed off to me. while my back was turned.
(sara groves)
------------------------

when i stand before the Lord. i'll be standing alone.
this journey is my own.
still i want man's advice.
and i need man's approval.
but, this journey is my own.

why would i want to live for man. and pay the highest price.
what does it mean to gain the whole world. only to lose my life?
(sara groves)
-----------------------

i keep wanting You to be fair.
but that's not what You said.

i want certain answers to these prayers.
but that's not what You said.

what i thought i wanted.
what i got instead.
leaves me broken.
and grateful.
(sara groves)

-------------------------

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

there's nothing left of me to defend.

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

im an already, but not yet. resurrected. fallen man.

come break this limbo.
(switchfoot)

----------------------------

walking. stumbling.
on these shadowfeet.
to a Homeland that i've never seen

i am changing.
less. and less asleep.
made of different stuff than when i began.

and i have sensed it all along.
fast approaching is the day.

when the world is falling out from under me.

i'll be found in You.

still standing.

...You make all things new.
(brook fraser)
----------------------------

"With what shall I come before the LORD,

And bow myself before the High God?

Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings,

With calves a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,

Ten thousand rivers of oil?

ShallI give my firstborn for my transgression,

The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has shown you, O man,

What is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But, to do justly,

to love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?"

Micah 6:6-8

a new year is about to start. people are making resolutions. deals with themselves and with others. to be better. to do better.

i have been making these deals with myself and with others all year. all my life. to be better. to do better.

there's just been one problem this whole time. i have been doing it for me. i have been pursuing what i want my life to be. for me. i have been seeking God. for me. i have been loving others. for me.

what is encouraging about this is twofold. one. is that God is bigger than my intentions. He is bigger than my motivations. He changes them consistently. He checks my selfishness. and saves me from destruction. because He redeems that which is inadequate, i have not lived my life in vain thus far. i have simply been on a road to this realization. and now that i am reaching this road, there is a new road in front of me. it's a road of deeper fellowship with God. of a more full joy. a more full life. a better understanding. awakeness. peace that surpasses understanding. and love for God and for His Kingdom. and for others that is not something i can conger up. but it is overflowing out of me. a reflection of Christ. because of Him and for Him and through Him.

i have been asking God to help me live life more rightly. to think rightly about Him. about life. about situations. i have been asking Him to help me find Him more real. find life more real. find joy that penetrates pain. that brings hope. that dispells fear. that encourages walking. even through the mundane.

He is answering.

this year has been long. it started with a move to arizona to live with my mom for the first time since i was four. it was something both of us had dreamed of for a very long time, and it was finally happening. but, it wasnt perfect. we never expected that we would live together at the time when my mom would be hurting more than she had ever hurt before. at the time when we would experience loss. and not know what to do. it wasn't perfect, but God was working. in me. in her.

i lived there until september. for all of june and some of july i co-lead the ride:well pacific coast inaguaral tour. we had a great, great team. people that after you meet them, you just continue to thank God that He would allow you to exist at the time they existed. and He would allow you to know them. just like on the 2008 team. it was beautiful. and i met dan on that tour. God brought us together outside of both of our control. we weren't seeking each other. we were walking with God. doing justice.

then God brought me to seattle. to a house with 6 girls. to a closer relationship with dan. to hardships. to brokenness. to beauty. to joy. to unmet expectations. to what it is to be content with much. with little. material possessions or circumstances.

i am changing.

today i was praying. and i started thanking God for everything. i started listing things. from the present backwards. and He reminded me that He has carried me. that He has been guiding me and He wont stop. and He will provide the people that later i will thank Him for having the privelege to know.

when i look back at times like this, i can refect on how i got to each place i went. how i got to pondo and met hope. and so so many other people who are dear to me. and will forever be no matter what. how i got to Cal Baptist and met the gang! people who changed me. who walked alongside me and help me see God. and how i got on the 2008 ride:well team. and got involved in something bigger than myself. more beautiful than words can describe. that brought me to a relationship with blood:water mission. with venture expeditions. and with 17 dear friends. and how that lead me to nashville. and nashvillage. and the hilson house. and community life. and how that brought me to phoenix. and that brought me closer to God. and that brought me to do ride:well again. and that brought me to 10 more dear friends. and that brought me to dan. and that brought me to seattle. and that brought me to know and experience God. to meet more people who are seeking Him. to be a part of a story that doesnt end.

to find that where God is, is in the little things. in the faithful walk. in the looking to Him. in the trust. the not worrying. in the simple life.

in the love of Him first. the pursuance of Him and the praise of His glory.

i find that i am changing.

because He is working. and i am resting in Him. and remembering that He guides. and that what He requires of us is to do justice. love mercy. and walk humbly with Him.

not to worry. not to control. not to know what to do.

just to walk.

so in 2011, i'll be walking. and i dont know where i'll walk to. it might be close. it might be far. it might be so tiny. it might be so big. it might go unnoticed.

but, it will be good. so, i'll let go. and be better. for God. because of Him in me.