growing pains..

i remember being a little kid. staying outside til the street lights came on. playing frisbee golf, and having nerf wars. water balloon fights, riding bikes, playing super nintendo, never wanting to shower. those days were happening and they felt like they would never end. they felt like slow motion. no time to worry about the future when youre watching rocco's modern life, and playing donkey kong.

somehow since then i turned 24, and now im almost 25. and i am done with college. i mean, i have been done with college for almost 2 years. somehow. time must have fast forwarded somewhere when i wasnt paying attention. so many things have happened. and i find myself in phoenix, about to move to seattle. still completely unsure how to rightly think about the future. unsure how to make sound decisions. unsure where to walk. who to walk with. when to turn. when to run. when to slow down. when to take deep breaths. when to "grow up".

somehow in the last 2 weeks i realized i can feel it. i mean, i remember when i was a kid and my legs would hurt because i was growing and i could feel it. now i am 24 and everything feels crazy because i am growing and i can feel it. this time, i think, it hurts more. because this time it isn't my body growing. my body is actually getting weaker. it's my spirit, my charecter, my reality. that's what's growing this time.

there are all these real life things that happen when we "grow up". things that i just didnt let myself focus on, or didnt know i would need to focus on. ways the world works. things i want to change about how the world works. the system. marriage. a house. a mortgage. children. 9-5. retirement. vacation. cars. money. settling.

it's too much. where did the street lights go? the nerf wars. the water balloons. rocco?

they have been replaced by decisions. reality. future. a vast emptiness of the unknown.

well, guess what decisions. guess what reality, guess what future, i dont know what to do with you! you came to quickly with no warning. and you expected me to be ready. i dont know how to be ready. so, i just wanted to call you out. and tell you that it hurts. sometimes it can be really exciting to imagine what could happen. but, then i get nervous or something. because i cant make what i imagine be reality. i can only operate in reality. and i dont have any clue what that will set before me. so it's hard. and im not complaining. just stating the facts.

one thing i know is that God is faithful. i know it. and ive seen it. and i believe it. and i'll walk in it. my prayer as im growing is this. Psalm 143:8 Cause me to know Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift my soul to You".

i dont believe we can make sabotaging decisions in life when we are trusting the God who made us. and He is showing us mercy and grace. i am just unsure of how to navigate through the uncertaintly of life. it's foggy. and vast. and sometimes i wish someone would just come outside and tell me it's time for dinner, or it's past my bedtime. something. so, i wouldnt feel like time was happening too fast. that all of the sudden this will all be over. the inbetween will seem blurry then, but now, now it is my reality. now im experiencing growing pains. not in my legs. but, in my soul.