fall and being alive.

i really love fall. i think it's short in washington, but at least it exists. today it exists. there are only wispy clouds in the sky today. no sign of rain; and so many trees lining every street, some of them covered with evidence of fall. red, yellow, orange, even light green; and then the air is crisp and cool; and i feel alive.

i think sometimes it's hard for me to feel alive. like there is a beating heart inside my body. like there is hope.

something im afraid of is getting stuck where i am. in a routine. in a certain place with no hope of change. it's weird that i fear it so much because all life is, is change. everyday is a change. every morning is a new chance for another day of unpredictable life. nothing ever stays exactly the same, even inside of routine. we can predict what will happen tomorrow based on what we did yesterday or our plans, but none of this is a guarantee.

i think i would like to stop fearing getting stuck. but i think i also want to keep adventure a part of my life if i can. i think the answer to not getting too serious, too focused on the negativity of realities in life, are threefold. spontaneity, laughter, and fun. i think these each hold a vital role for us humans. we get too serious, too caught up in working, or trying, or striving, or whatever it is, and we miss out on moments of joy that are found in spontaneity, laughter, and fun.

it's fall today in seattle, and im feeling alive.

it's easier in church.

this sunday, i was sitting in my church filled with the joy of the Lord, thinking to myself, "it's definitely easier in church".

i do have joy in the Lord other times, of course, but in church the worries of life are not forefront in my mind. the loneliness of my previous week slips away. and i often find myself thinking, "i wish i could feel this released from the pressure of life, and from my anxiousness, and loneliness all the time. i wish i could rejoice in the Lord always".

i just read philippians 4 again. it's often quoted. often suggested to us who are prone to worry, and anxiousness; those of us who are prone to wander. it says if you forgot, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things". Phil 4:4-8

if you have been in touch with me lately, you know that i have been going through a series of rough transitional seasons. this is true. but, what is also true is that i have been blessed beyond measure through these seasons. I read through some old journals recently while working on a book i am writing, and found some prayers for a husband, and for a job. they were from two years ago. and when i read them now, i think of how much bigger God is than i make Him. how much more He knows than i realize. how much less there is to worry about than i remember.

the truth is it's easier to be reminded of these things in church. the reason why? because in a church there are people gathered together for a common purpose regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, or background-- to worship and adore their King, to remember His promises; that we are bought with a price...the precious lifeblood of Jesus Christ; that we are adopted into His family; that we are free in Him; that there is no condemnation in Jesus Christ; that He has won the victory over our sin and over all kingdoms; that His Kingdom is within us. and we are filled because we focus in on these truths. We focus in on our God.

but, why don't we do this other times? i mean, i am asking myself. maybe you do it other times and i just don't. maybe sometimes we do it other times. but not always. but, doesnt this passage ask us to rejoice in the Lord always? so, then how do we do that on the other days? how do we do that in loneliness? how do we do that in difficult seasons? in uncertainty? in failure? in grieving? in pain?

i think we do what the rest of the passage says. pray. petition. with thankfulness. how can we muster up thankfulness during hard times? read the rest...

meditate on the things that are true, noble, pure, lovely, the things of good report, and the things that are virtuous, and praiseworthy.

often the things i meditate on are negative, self deprecating, not God honoring, lies, ugly, without virtue, and forgetful of praiseworthiness.

i think when the Word says for us to "take every thought captive to the things of Christ", this is what was meant. to stop the thoughts my mind wanders to, and to focus them on meditation on these 7 things of Christ. in church. and outside the walls of church. in the Church so that my "gentleness [can] be known to all men. [for] the Lord is at hand" and He is at work in the world. and in my heart.

Refill with Life.

A few years back, maybe 5, I bought a shirt at a mewithoutYou show. It has a picture of three bottles filled with sideways numbers in it. and to the right of them it says, "refill with life". Everything I own fits in some duffle bags and a few suitcases and since I have moved 3 times across country in the past 3 years, a lot of my belongings somehow never make it out of the duffle bags and suitcases. one day in nashville, i decided to see what i had in one of the suitcases, and ended up rediscovering this particular shirt.

yesterday i decided to wear the shirt. and the message it exudes spoke to me louder than it has since i first bought it.

refill with life. i looked at the sideways numbers in the bottles and the words again caught my eye. the truth is, i have been struggling a lot since i left nashville. many things in my life have changed drastically, suddenly, and more quickly than i can process through. and then i find myself one and a half months from getting married, living in seattle, with real things to deal with in practical ways, and a mind that is not prepared, too backed logged, slow to function. and a person to walk with me through all of this who has to deal with more than he ever could have imagined.

i think about the numbers in the bottles. filling them up with day to day stresses, sadness, hopelessness, mundane, complacency- i mean, the world in essence.

then there is life.

John 10:10 Jesus says, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly".

abundant life.

where else am i walking if i'm not walking with Christ in abundant life? im walking sluggishly, like the fool, missing the joy of the Lord, missing the hope of glory in Christ, missing the path of God.

my prayer is that God would "refill [me] with life" abundant life. so, i will have joy in Him. i'm learning a lot and meditating on some key Scriptures like Matthew 6:32-34 which says, "For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble".

how do i erase the sideways numbers in the bottles of my soul and refill with life? seek first the Kingdom and all these things will be added to me. all the things God knows i need. not want. but need.

im ready to be free again. to experience abundant life. to wait on the Lord. for Him to renew my strength.

thanks be to God. for He is good. His love endures forever.

I bought my wedding dress on a tuesday.

I wrote this on a wednesday.

Boy oh boy have I been learning a lot in the last few months. I have had some measure of writers block since I moved to Seattle. Most days I dream of working on my book, but don’t move much past that dream. It is sitting in my trunk waiting to be rescued. Today I feel like dreaming and doing. Today I see God at work. Today my eyes are open. My ears are hearing. My heart is full. Today I trust God. Today I really believe He is good. Today I’m not afraid.

But, yesterday. Yesterday was Tuesday.

I think most of us since we were tiny, had some kind of dream about the day we would get married. It’s like this illusive reality. A date in the future that we cannot really wrap our minds around. Who will it be? How old will I be? Will it happen for me? What will my wedding day be like? Who will be my bridesmaids? What will my wedding dress look like? We either think of these often or just figure they will be a part of our lives at some point, and we subconsciously look forward to this day. No matter who we are though, we think of getting married to some degree, and we imagine what the day will be like.

I got proposed to on a beach on my 25^th birthday. And I bought my wedding dress on a Tuesday. I never thought ahead about what it would be like to experience engagement. I never thought about marriage counseling. To some degree, I guess I imagined I would meet with my pastor before the “big day” and discuss things about marriage to prepare. I never imagined I would take a class. That I would be in small group, listen to a teaching, do a lot of homework, and meet with a pastor I didn’t know to prepare for my marriage. I never imagined it would be messy. That I would have to dig deep down and find the things that have happened in my life which make me who I am today, and see the truth of what needs to be called out, and what needs to be changed. I always believed what I heard about how being married will be the most significant part of one’s sanctification. But, I never really knew why. I never knew it was because you can’t hide from yourself anymore. Because you can’t ignore the necessity of change, of sacrifice, or repentance. Not anymore. Not when someone else is getting ready to become one flesh with you. You have to consider them. You can no longer run. Or even try to.

I’m not one to ignore problems; to pretend like everything is okay when it is not. But, there are things in my heart that feel really deep, that God is calling out and reminding me that He has freed me from them so I need not be enslaved to them any longer. I watched a documentary on Rwanda. It’s called “Wounded Healers”. It expresses God’s power to reconcile enemies to each other, even in regards to one of the world’s most horrendous tragedies, namely, the Rwandan Genocide. In this documentary Pascal, a Tutsi Rwandan citizen, survives the genocide. His pregnant wife, however, does not. She is murdered by their neighbor Narcisse, a Hutu, who has been brainwashed to believe this innocent pregnant woman is an enemy. Pascal is the first of many Rwandans to genuinely forgive Narcisse for his crime. It’s hard to believe this to be possible. But, if we remember who our God is, we remember the truth He proclaims, “nothing will be impossible with God”. This floors me. But, it is real. And a reminder to me, and to everyone who sees any part of Rwanda’s story of reconciliation that God is who He said He was. He is love. He is good. He does work everything together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He is involved. He does care. He is in the business of justice. Of Hope. Of reconciliation. Of shalom. He is at work. And He is faithful. We can’t completely understand God. Where He is coming from, and why He does things the way He does. But, we can hold on to these truth’s that we know about Him.

Yesterday was Tuesday. But, today is Wednesday. I’m in Seattle in March and the sun is out. It’s 65 degrees and God is here. Today there is hope. My grandma just told me something I won’t soon forget. She said, “the things we worry about are things that never end up happening”. This is important for me to remember because yesterday, on Tuesday, God began to reveal a work He has been doing in my heart, namely freedom. In marriage counseling I brought up my fear of death. My fear of Dan dying. Of God doing whatever He wants to get glory. All of these real fears I hold onto which reveal my heart of unbelief in God. That a sin I am tempted by is fear, and a wrong view of the Creator God. I started believing deep in my heart lies that I had yet to recognize. That God is angry at me. That God is harsh. That God will not be faithful. That God will not carry me through the heartache of losing a loved one, even though He has already. That God is absent from me, and cannot come closer. That none of this will ever change. I cried a lot in counseling, and confessed these things to God.

And today is Wednesday, and I feel free.

My wedding dress is long and white. Made of cotton eyelet material. My wedding celebration is in 115 days from today. I got an internship at Rwanda Partners today. And God reminded me to trust Him. Not because He will give me what I want. But, because He will not withhold from me joy regardless of whether I end up getting what I want, or I end up experiencing what I fear most. He reminded me that He is good, and that what I worry about most likely won’t end up happening, but even if it does, He will never leave nor forsake me. He reminded me to consider the ravens and the lilies. And He reminded me that He foreknew what would happen in my life before He knit me together in my mother’s womb. And that He knew I would buy my wedding dress on a Tuesday.

i am changing. less, and less asleep.

i dont want to leave here.
i dont want to stay.
it feels like pinching to me. either way.

the places i long for the most are the places where i've been.
they are calling out to me. like a long lost friend.

it's not about losing faith.
it's not about trust.
it's all about comfortable when you move so much.

and the place i was, wasnt perfect. but i had found a way to live.
and it wasnt milk or honey. but, then neither is this.

i've been painting pictures of egypt.
leaving out what it lacks.
the future feels so hard and i want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me. cannot hold the things i've learned.
and those roads were closed off to me. while my back was turned.
(sara groves)
------------------------

when i stand before the Lord. i'll be standing alone.
this journey is my own.
still i want man's advice.
and i need man's approval.
but, this journey is my own.

why would i want to live for man. and pay the highest price.
what does it mean to gain the whole world. only to lose my life?
(sara groves)
-----------------------

i keep wanting You to be fair.
but that's not what You said.

i want certain answers to these prayers.
but that's not what You said.

what i thought i wanted.
what i got instead.
leaves me broken.
and grateful.
(sara groves)

-------------------------

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

there's nothing left of me to defend.

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

im an already, but not yet. resurrected. fallen man.

come break this limbo.
(switchfoot)

----------------------------

walking. stumbling.
on these shadowfeet.
to a Homeland that i've never seen

i am changing.
less. and less asleep.
made of different stuff than when i began.

and i have sensed it all along.
fast approaching is the day.

when the world is falling out from under me.

i'll be found in You.

still standing.

...You make all things new.
(brook fraser)
----------------------------

"With what shall I come before the LORD,

And bow myself before the High God?

Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings,

With calves a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,

Ten thousand rivers of oil?

ShallI give my firstborn for my transgression,

The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has shown you, O man,

What is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But, to do justly,

to love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?"

Micah 6:6-8

a new year is about to start. people are making resolutions. deals with themselves and with others. to be better. to do better.

i have been making these deals with myself and with others all year. all my life. to be better. to do better.

there's just been one problem this whole time. i have been doing it for me. i have been pursuing what i want my life to be. for me. i have been seeking God. for me. i have been loving others. for me.

what is encouraging about this is twofold. one. is that God is bigger than my intentions. He is bigger than my motivations. He changes them consistently. He checks my selfishness. and saves me from destruction. because He redeems that which is inadequate, i have not lived my life in vain thus far. i have simply been on a road to this realization. and now that i am reaching this road, there is a new road in front of me. it's a road of deeper fellowship with God. of a more full joy. a more full life. a better understanding. awakeness. peace that surpasses understanding. and love for God and for His Kingdom. and for others that is not something i can conger up. but it is overflowing out of me. a reflection of Christ. because of Him and for Him and through Him.

i have been asking God to help me live life more rightly. to think rightly about Him. about life. about situations. i have been asking Him to help me find Him more real. find life more real. find joy that penetrates pain. that brings hope. that dispells fear. that encourages walking. even through the mundane.

He is answering.

this year has been long. it started with a move to arizona to live with my mom for the first time since i was four. it was something both of us had dreamed of for a very long time, and it was finally happening. but, it wasnt perfect. we never expected that we would live together at the time when my mom would be hurting more than she had ever hurt before. at the time when we would experience loss. and not know what to do. it wasn't perfect, but God was working. in me. in her.

i lived there until september. for all of june and some of july i co-lead the ride:well pacific coast inaguaral tour. we had a great, great team. people that after you meet them, you just continue to thank God that He would allow you to exist at the time they existed. and He would allow you to know them. just like on the 2008 team. it was beautiful. and i met dan on that tour. God brought us together outside of both of our control. we weren't seeking each other. we were walking with God. doing justice.

then God brought me to seattle. to a house with 6 girls. to a closer relationship with dan. to hardships. to brokenness. to beauty. to joy. to unmet expectations. to what it is to be content with much. with little. material possessions or circumstances.

i am changing.

today i was praying. and i started thanking God for everything. i started listing things. from the present backwards. and He reminded me that He has carried me. that He has been guiding me and He wont stop. and He will provide the people that later i will thank Him for having the privelege to know.

when i look back at times like this, i can refect on how i got to each place i went. how i got to pondo and met hope. and so so many other people who are dear to me. and will forever be no matter what. how i got to Cal Baptist and met the gang! people who changed me. who walked alongside me and help me see God. and how i got on the 2008 ride:well team. and got involved in something bigger than myself. more beautiful than words can describe. that brought me to a relationship with blood:water mission. with venture expeditions. and with 17 dear friends. and how that lead me to nashville. and nashvillage. and the hilson house. and community life. and how that brought me to phoenix. and that brought me closer to God. and that brought me to do ride:well again. and that brought me to 10 more dear friends. and that brought me to dan. and that brought me to seattle. and that brought me to know and experience God. to meet more people who are seeking Him. to be a part of a story that doesnt end.

to find that where God is, is in the little things. in the faithful walk. in the looking to Him. in the trust. the not worrying. in the simple life.

in the love of Him first. the pursuance of Him and the praise of His glory.

i find that i am changing.

because He is working. and i am resting in Him. and remembering that He guides. and that what He requires of us is to do justice. love mercy. and walk humbly with Him.

not to worry. not to control. not to know what to do.

just to walk.

so in 2011, i'll be walking. and i dont know where i'll walk to. it might be close. it might be far. it might be so tiny. it might be so big. it might go unnoticed.

but, it will be good. so, i'll let go. and be better. for God. because of Him in me.

growing pains..

i remember being a little kid. staying outside til the street lights came on. playing frisbee golf, and having nerf wars. water balloon fights, riding bikes, playing super nintendo, never wanting to shower. those days were happening and they felt like they would never end. they felt like slow motion. no time to worry about the future when youre watching rocco's modern life, and playing donkey kong.

somehow since then i turned 24, and now im almost 25. and i am done with college. i mean, i have been done with college for almost 2 years. somehow. time must have fast forwarded somewhere when i wasnt paying attention. so many things have happened. and i find myself in phoenix, about to move to seattle. still completely unsure how to rightly think about the future. unsure how to make sound decisions. unsure where to walk. who to walk with. when to turn. when to run. when to slow down. when to take deep breaths. when to "grow up".

somehow in the last 2 weeks i realized i can feel it. i mean, i remember when i was a kid and my legs would hurt because i was growing and i could feel it. now i am 24 and everything feels crazy because i am growing and i can feel it. this time, i think, it hurts more. because this time it isn't my body growing. my body is actually getting weaker. it's my spirit, my charecter, my reality. that's what's growing this time.

there are all these real life things that happen when we "grow up". things that i just didnt let myself focus on, or didnt know i would need to focus on. ways the world works. things i want to change about how the world works. the system. marriage. a house. a mortgage. children. 9-5. retirement. vacation. cars. money. settling.

it's too much. where did the street lights go? the nerf wars. the water balloons. rocco?

they have been replaced by decisions. reality. future. a vast emptiness of the unknown.

well, guess what decisions. guess what reality, guess what future, i dont know what to do with you! you came to quickly with no warning. and you expected me to be ready. i dont know how to be ready. so, i just wanted to call you out. and tell you that it hurts. sometimes it can be really exciting to imagine what could happen. but, then i get nervous or something. because i cant make what i imagine be reality. i can only operate in reality. and i dont have any clue what that will set before me. so it's hard. and im not complaining. just stating the facts.

one thing i know is that God is faithful. i know it. and ive seen it. and i believe it. and i'll walk in it. my prayer as im growing is this. Psalm 143:8 Cause me to know Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift my soul to You".

i dont believe we can make sabotaging decisions in life when we are trusting the God who made us. and He is showing us mercy and grace. i am just unsure of how to navigate through the uncertaintly of life. it's foggy. and vast. and sometimes i wish someone would just come outside and tell me it's time for dinner, or it's past my bedtime. something. so, i wouldnt feel like time was happening too fast. that all of the sudden this will all be over. the inbetween will seem blurry then, but now, now it is my reality. now im experiencing growing pains. not in my legs. but, in my soul.

my only calm is You.

i went to nashville recently. before the floods. everyone asks me if i went before the floods. i did. but, i wish i was there now. to help with rebuilding. to be a part of nashville's incredible community. i want to say with everyone that "i am nashville". i love it. i love community. what a beautiful thing.

when i was in nashville a lot happened. i mean, i did a lot of things. but, also a lot happened in my mind. and i think i grew again. i didnt really plan much. i just lived everyday. i only had 6 days, and i didnt want to rush it. i wanted to enjoy it. when i landed, it felt like home. i think there was such a struggle there for me, and then God brought me past the struggle, and now it feels like home. there is a warmth there. a hope. a community. and i have that same community in southern california. and it's older. more established. a lovely group of amazing people who want to change the world. i want to join them. and i want to be in nashville. i want a lot of things, but they are mostly to be with people. sometimes i want a car with a sunroof. or a stereo that works. but mostly i just want to be with people.

so then i dont know what to do again. what choice to make. and i know i still have time in phoenix. i like phoenix. it has been a good experience. my mom and i crack up laughing often, i made some great friends and i get to hang out with criselda, and i go to a church that is doing life in love; the way i think it's supposed to be done, and training here has really worked out. but, i dont think im staying. i dont know when im leaving though. or where to.

in my mind it's nashville (and in my heart). but it's only nashville if it happens. because if it happens it is right. and chances are i'll be reading this blog in 8 months from nashville and everything will have worked out just like it always does. and i'll be thinking, "wait, how did i even get this job..this house..these roommates?". that's how it always is. haha. oh life.

here's what im doing...looking for jobs on churchstaffing.com, youthspecialties.com, cnm.org, and americorps...in nashville. because, if i were to make the decision based on people alone, i would decide to split myself in half, or better yet, clone myself!! and one of me would go to southern california, and the other one to nashville, and still the other two would be in phoenix, and in portland. haha. really though. that would be so great. :)

but, im making the decision based on everything. God, networking, an understanding that it's no accident where we go, non profits, southern hospitality, and seasons.

ive been listening to david crowder band's latest cd, Church Music. it is so excellent. great, even, for stationary bike music. inspiring!

the song "can i lie here" caught my attention today, "can i lie here in Your arms? x2 my only calm is You, save me...my only thought is You, save me...my happiness is You, save me".

it made me think a lot. and time stopped while i closed my eyes and lip sinked to it in the gym. (only one lady was there. she has seen me do it before). i thought a lot of who God is. who He has to be. who He is has always been, and will be. how He is everything. and that is more freeing than anything else i can think of. and it made me think of not making plans. of just walking. ive been talking a lot of micah 6:8 because it keeps coming up in my life. "what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice. to love mercy. and to WALK humbly with Your God". how do you do the first two things in this verse? you walk. you walk and walk and walk, and things happen along the way. and there is still responsibility. but it looks different than it does when you are not walking with God. not just when you are not a believer, but when you are not walking with God. (we all forget..i mean, look at peter.."hey peter, I'm over here. walk to Me"-Jesus. "okay Jesus...uhh waves under me" -Peter as he looks down at the waves...SPLASH)

hey erin. walk with God.

oh...good idea.

also, the song made me think of 2 corinthians 10:5 "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". this is where it's talking about how our weapons of warefare are not of this world. they are mighty in God. but the idea of our thoughts. every thought captive. it means catching all our thoughts, and stopping them from preventing us from walking with God. this area is one of the big ones for me. im a daydreamer. not always a bad thing. but, can get in the way of reality. of walking. of movement.

and i thought about the line in the song, "my only thought is You, save me". when things are right in our minds, they move also to our hearts, and then we are freed from the flesh. freed to walk with God unhindered. and then there is joy. and things happen. whatever is right for us to learn. whatever is right for life to be lived the way it was created to be lived. whatever is right for God to recieve glory. whatever is right for people to be touched, to be healed, to not only hear about the love of Christ, but to see it in action (1 john 3:18). that's what happens.

it may not be what we think will happen. what we would have daydreamed would happen. but it's what happens. and sometimes it is full of sorrow. and we cant understand why it would happen. but, God has equipped us for sorrow. He has given us Himself. He has given us each other.

we are ready. we can walk across the raging sea. He is our calm. He is our thought. He is our joy. and freedom.

nashville. california. phoenix. portland. cameroon. kenya. tanzania. central african republic. swaziland. cambodia. thailand. ireland. south africa. ghana. ethiopia. rwanda.

wherever i end up, im going to keep walking. with God. and whatever happens will be right. and that will be good.