i am changing. less, and less asleep.

i dont want to leave here.
i dont want to stay.
it feels like pinching to me. either way.

the places i long for the most are the places where i've been.
they are calling out to me. like a long lost friend.

it's not about losing faith.
it's not about trust.
it's all about comfortable when you move so much.

and the place i was, wasnt perfect. but i had found a way to live.
and it wasnt milk or honey. but, then neither is this.

i've been painting pictures of egypt.
leaving out what it lacks.
the future feels so hard and i want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me. cannot hold the things i've learned.
and those roads were closed off to me. while my back was turned.
(sara groves)
------------------------

when i stand before the Lord. i'll be standing alone.
this journey is my own.
still i want man's advice.
and i need man's approval.
but, this journey is my own.

why would i want to live for man. and pay the highest price.
what does it mean to gain the whole world. only to lose my life?
(sara groves)
-----------------------

i keep wanting You to be fair.
but that's not what You said.

i want certain answers to these prayers.
but that's not what You said.

what i thought i wanted.
what i got instead.
leaves me broken.
and grateful.
(sara groves)

-------------------------

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

there's nothing left of me to defend.

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

im an already, but not yet. resurrected. fallen man.

come break this limbo.
(switchfoot)

----------------------------

walking. stumbling.
on these shadowfeet.
to a Homeland that i've never seen

i am changing.
less. and less asleep.
made of different stuff than when i began.

and i have sensed it all along.
fast approaching is the day.

when the world is falling out from under me.

i'll be found in You.

still standing.

...You make all things new.
(brook fraser)
----------------------------

"With what shall I come before the LORD,

And bow myself before the High God?

Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings,

With calves a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,

Ten thousand rivers of oil?

ShallI give my firstborn for my transgression,

The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has shown you, O man,

What is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But, to do justly,

to love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?"

Micah 6:6-8

a new year is about to start. people are making resolutions. deals with themselves and with others. to be better. to do better.

i have been making these deals with myself and with others all year. all my life. to be better. to do better.

there's just been one problem this whole time. i have been doing it for me. i have been pursuing what i want my life to be. for me. i have been seeking God. for me. i have been loving others. for me.

what is encouraging about this is twofold. one. is that God is bigger than my intentions. He is bigger than my motivations. He changes them consistently. He checks my selfishness. and saves me from destruction. because He redeems that which is inadequate, i have not lived my life in vain thus far. i have simply been on a road to this realization. and now that i am reaching this road, there is a new road in front of me. it's a road of deeper fellowship with God. of a more full joy. a more full life. a better understanding. awakeness. peace that surpasses understanding. and love for God and for His Kingdom. and for others that is not something i can conger up. but it is overflowing out of me. a reflection of Christ. because of Him and for Him and through Him.

i have been asking God to help me live life more rightly. to think rightly about Him. about life. about situations. i have been asking Him to help me find Him more real. find life more real. find joy that penetrates pain. that brings hope. that dispells fear. that encourages walking. even through the mundane.

He is answering.

this year has been long. it started with a move to arizona to live with my mom for the first time since i was four. it was something both of us had dreamed of for a very long time, and it was finally happening. but, it wasnt perfect. we never expected that we would live together at the time when my mom would be hurting more than she had ever hurt before. at the time when we would experience loss. and not know what to do. it wasn't perfect, but God was working. in me. in her.

i lived there until september. for all of june and some of july i co-lead the ride:well pacific coast inaguaral tour. we had a great, great team. people that after you meet them, you just continue to thank God that He would allow you to exist at the time they existed. and He would allow you to know them. just like on the 2008 team. it was beautiful. and i met dan on that tour. God brought us together outside of both of our control. we weren't seeking each other. we were walking with God. doing justice.

then God brought me to seattle. to a house with 6 girls. to a closer relationship with dan. to hardships. to brokenness. to beauty. to joy. to unmet expectations. to what it is to be content with much. with little. material possessions or circumstances.

i am changing.

today i was praying. and i started thanking God for everything. i started listing things. from the present backwards. and He reminded me that He has carried me. that He has been guiding me and He wont stop. and He will provide the people that later i will thank Him for having the privelege to know.

when i look back at times like this, i can refect on how i got to each place i went. how i got to pondo and met hope. and so so many other people who are dear to me. and will forever be no matter what. how i got to Cal Baptist and met the gang! people who changed me. who walked alongside me and help me see God. and how i got on the 2008 ride:well team. and got involved in something bigger than myself. more beautiful than words can describe. that brought me to a relationship with blood:water mission. with venture expeditions. and with 17 dear friends. and how that lead me to nashville. and nashvillage. and the hilson house. and community life. and how that brought me to phoenix. and that brought me closer to God. and that brought me to do ride:well again. and that brought me to 10 more dear friends. and that brought me to dan. and that brought me to seattle. and that brought me to know and experience God. to meet more people who are seeking Him. to be a part of a story that doesnt end.

to find that where God is, is in the little things. in the faithful walk. in the looking to Him. in the trust. the not worrying. in the simple life.

in the love of Him first. the pursuance of Him and the praise of His glory.

i find that i am changing.

because He is working. and i am resting in Him. and remembering that He guides. and that what He requires of us is to do justice. love mercy. and walk humbly with Him.

not to worry. not to control. not to know what to do.

just to walk.

so in 2011, i'll be walking. and i dont know where i'll walk to. it might be close. it might be far. it might be so tiny. it might be so big. it might go unnoticed.

but, it will be good. so, i'll let go. and be better. for God. because of Him in me.

growing pains..

i remember being a little kid. staying outside til the street lights came on. playing frisbee golf, and having nerf wars. water balloon fights, riding bikes, playing super nintendo, never wanting to shower. those days were happening and they felt like they would never end. they felt like slow motion. no time to worry about the future when youre watching rocco's modern life, and playing donkey kong.

somehow since then i turned 24, and now im almost 25. and i am done with college. i mean, i have been done with college for almost 2 years. somehow. time must have fast forwarded somewhere when i wasnt paying attention. so many things have happened. and i find myself in phoenix, about to move to seattle. still completely unsure how to rightly think about the future. unsure how to make sound decisions. unsure where to walk. who to walk with. when to turn. when to run. when to slow down. when to take deep breaths. when to "grow up".

somehow in the last 2 weeks i realized i can feel it. i mean, i remember when i was a kid and my legs would hurt because i was growing and i could feel it. now i am 24 and everything feels crazy because i am growing and i can feel it. this time, i think, it hurts more. because this time it isn't my body growing. my body is actually getting weaker. it's my spirit, my charecter, my reality. that's what's growing this time.

there are all these real life things that happen when we "grow up". things that i just didnt let myself focus on, or didnt know i would need to focus on. ways the world works. things i want to change about how the world works. the system. marriage. a house. a mortgage. children. 9-5. retirement. vacation. cars. money. settling.

it's too much. where did the street lights go? the nerf wars. the water balloons. rocco?

they have been replaced by decisions. reality. future. a vast emptiness of the unknown.

well, guess what decisions. guess what reality, guess what future, i dont know what to do with you! you came to quickly with no warning. and you expected me to be ready. i dont know how to be ready. so, i just wanted to call you out. and tell you that it hurts. sometimes it can be really exciting to imagine what could happen. but, then i get nervous or something. because i cant make what i imagine be reality. i can only operate in reality. and i dont have any clue what that will set before me. so it's hard. and im not complaining. just stating the facts.

one thing i know is that God is faithful. i know it. and ive seen it. and i believe it. and i'll walk in it. my prayer as im growing is this. Psalm 143:8 Cause me to know Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift my soul to You".

i dont believe we can make sabotaging decisions in life when we are trusting the God who made us. and He is showing us mercy and grace. i am just unsure of how to navigate through the uncertaintly of life. it's foggy. and vast. and sometimes i wish someone would just come outside and tell me it's time for dinner, or it's past my bedtime. something. so, i wouldnt feel like time was happening too fast. that all of the sudden this will all be over. the inbetween will seem blurry then, but now, now it is my reality. now im experiencing growing pains. not in my legs. but, in my soul.

my only calm is You.

i went to nashville recently. before the floods. everyone asks me if i went before the floods. i did. but, i wish i was there now. to help with rebuilding. to be a part of nashville's incredible community. i want to say with everyone that "i am nashville". i love it. i love community. what a beautiful thing.

when i was in nashville a lot happened. i mean, i did a lot of things. but, also a lot happened in my mind. and i think i grew again. i didnt really plan much. i just lived everyday. i only had 6 days, and i didnt want to rush it. i wanted to enjoy it. when i landed, it felt like home. i think there was such a struggle there for me, and then God brought me past the struggle, and now it feels like home. there is a warmth there. a hope. a community. and i have that same community in southern california. and it's older. more established. a lovely group of amazing people who want to change the world. i want to join them. and i want to be in nashville. i want a lot of things, but they are mostly to be with people. sometimes i want a car with a sunroof. or a stereo that works. but mostly i just want to be with people.

so then i dont know what to do again. what choice to make. and i know i still have time in phoenix. i like phoenix. it has been a good experience. my mom and i crack up laughing often, i made some great friends and i get to hang out with criselda, and i go to a church that is doing life in love; the way i think it's supposed to be done, and training here has really worked out. but, i dont think im staying. i dont know when im leaving though. or where to.

in my mind it's nashville (and in my heart). but it's only nashville if it happens. because if it happens it is right. and chances are i'll be reading this blog in 8 months from nashville and everything will have worked out just like it always does. and i'll be thinking, "wait, how did i even get this job..this house..these roommates?". that's how it always is. haha. oh life.

here's what im doing...looking for jobs on churchstaffing.com, youthspecialties.com, cnm.org, and americorps...in nashville. because, if i were to make the decision based on people alone, i would decide to split myself in half, or better yet, clone myself!! and one of me would go to southern california, and the other one to nashville, and still the other two would be in phoenix, and in portland. haha. really though. that would be so great. :)

but, im making the decision based on everything. God, networking, an understanding that it's no accident where we go, non profits, southern hospitality, and seasons.

ive been listening to david crowder band's latest cd, Church Music. it is so excellent. great, even, for stationary bike music. inspiring!

the song "can i lie here" caught my attention today, "can i lie here in Your arms? x2 my only calm is You, save me...my only thought is You, save me...my happiness is You, save me".

it made me think a lot. and time stopped while i closed my eyes and lip sinked to it in the gym. (only one lady was there. she has seen me do it before). i thought a lot of who God is. who He has to be. who He is has always been, and will be. how He is everything. and that is more freeing than anything else i can think of. and it made me think of not making plans. of just walking. ive been talking a lot of micah 6:8 because it keeps coming up in my life. "what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice. to love mercy. and to WALK humbly with Your God". how do you do the first two things in this verse? you walk. you walk and walk and walk, and things happen along the way. and there is still responsibility. but it looks different than it does when you are not walking with God. not just when you are not a believer, but when you are not walking with God. (we all forget..i mean, look at peter.."hey peter, I'm over here. walk to Me"-Jesus. "okay Jesus...uhh waves under me" -Peter as he looks down at the waves...SPLASH)

hey erin. walk with God.

oh...good idea.

also, the song made me think of 2 corinthians 10:5 "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". this is where it's talking about how our weapons of warefare are not of this world. they are mighty in God. but the idea of our thoughts. every thought captive. it means catching all our thoughts, and stopping them from preventing us from walking with God. this area is one of the big ones for me. im a daydreamer. not always a bad thing. but, can get in the way of reality. of walking. of movement.

and i thought about the line in the song, "my only thought is You, save me". when things are right in our minds, they move also to our hearts, and then we are freed from the flesh. freed to walk with God unhindered. and then there is joy. and things happen. whatever is right for us to learn. whatever is right for life to be lived the way it was created to be lived. whatever is right for God to recieve glory. whatever is right for people to be touched, to be healed, to not only hear about the love of Christ, but to see it in action (1 john 3:18). that's what happens.

it may not be what we think will happen. what we would have daydreamed would happen. but it's what happens. and sometimes it is full of sorrow. and we cant understand why it would happen. but, God has equipped us for sorrow. He has given us Himself. He has given us each other.

we are ready. we can walk across the raging sea. He is our calm. He is our thought. He is our joy. and freedom.

nashville. california. phoenix. portland. cameroon. kenya. tanzania. central african republic. swaziland. cambodia. thailand. ireland. south africa. ghana. ethiopia. rwanda.

wherever i end up, im going to keep walking. with God. and whatever happens will be right. and that will be good.

the pressure. the weight. the freedom. the release. and walking.

oh the pressure of life has been weighing on me lately. sometimes, i guess, i get this idea that everything i want to do needs to be done now. or quickly. and there is no time to actually relax. even when i am sitting doing nothing, im thinking of the lists of things i want to accomplish and convincing myself that there are too many things. overwhelmed, i begin to rush life. i miss out on the journey. i ignore the freedom, and i stop walking.

today we went to see don speak. he was the guest speaker at a church in gilbert that reminded me a lot of the oaks fellowship in red oak, texas. don hit the nail on the head. this church in gilbert, az is focused on the verse micah 6:8. "what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God". don was invited to speak on the part of the verse that says, "walk humbly with God". he spoke a lot about walking. about movement with God. about how we connect with God when we are doing. when we jump in. when we take risks. when we dream big, and move with Him. he talked about being a child. when we would create as children. if someone gave us a box of crayons and a peice of paper we would go to town on that paper, creating something beautiful and chaotic on the canvas. don talked about doing that now, as followers of Christ. not asking God, "what is Thy will for my life?", but saying, "thank you for this canvas, God, thank you for this freedom" and drawing on it, whatever is in our hearts. just start drawing. even if it is a purple horse. dive in.

he said, "find the thing that's in your heart, that moves you most, and do it" he said, "God gave that to you". don talked about us being a part of an orchestra as the Body of Christ. he quoted his band director, who said, "when you are playing make sure you never stop looking at me, and keep listening for the other instruments; if you can't hear them, you are playing too loud". don said this a good metaphor for our lives with Christ. keep looking at Him and listening to the voices of the Orchestra around us. in this orchestra of the Body, God gets the solo. but we have to play. together.

and that is beautiful. and that is freedom. and when i think of all of this. and when i think of how God uses the weak to lead the strong. the weary and broken to speak out. i remember that He gets the glory. and this life is a gift. and when i remember all of this, the weight begins to lift. the pressure begins to release.

but it always comes back. and when it comes back i think maybe i am bipolar, or i have some sort of emotional problems that only good sessions of heavy counseling can unravel. i mean, because this pressure is sometimes hard to bear. the thing is it's brought on by my own self. my own mind. maybe satan. a confusion that tells me im doing everything wrong. im missing out on something. im going to make a bad decision that changes everything. my dreams will never be fulfilled. everyone is against me. no one hears what i say. and then because i am thinking so much about myself, i focus on stripping myself of self. i think constantly, how can i stop being selfish? how can i take the focus on me and make sure all my motivation is found in loving God?

and then don talked about humility. about stripping oneself of self. and how if we are thinking about it, we are focused on ourselves. and we can't become selfless this way. like everything else in life, we have to just live. we have to just walk. we have to keep our eyes on God and walk. and when we are doing this, we distract ourselves from the idea of humility, selflessness, and we just are humble, and selfless. and we dont even realize it. like Jesus. but, because we are human, and not God, we can only get a glimpse of this in life. in our interactions with God; when we are distracted by His glory, we get a glimpse of how amazing He is, and we are, in those moments, freed from ourselves.

in walking with God, i've begun to see the pressure that i put on myself. im thinking it will always be there. but, im thinking things like training for ride:well, riding across america, being a part of a team, community, and moving across country make it fade. i think that doing things that scare me start releasing the pressure. and when i breathe in God there is freedom. and the weight is lifted. and i am less likely to be quick to anger, more likely to smile. less likely to have a headache, and more likely to rest in Him. and when my heart starts beating too quickly, i will know to stop my mind from racing, and breathe in deeply. and then release.

thoughts...what makes us feel hopeless, and what brings us hope?

today i went on a bike ride with a new friend. our conversation came to the loss of hope in life. this was at the beginning of the ride. and i rode those 3 hours thinking a lot about this reality.

we all experience loss. we all experience pain..physical, emotional, all kinds of pain. we all experience hopelessness. a loss of interest in living. a loss of reason for living. a loss of purpose.

it is real. we cant ignore this. so, my mind began to spin with ideas of how to address it. what to look for. how to bring hope back into the hearts of people who have lost it. how to regain purpose. dignity. reason to keep moving. when you have lost it.

the thing is i think we all find hope outside of ourselves. we cannot find it inside us. not first anyway. there has to be an outside source of hope. for me it is God. it is His redemption. it is His promise. His covenant. His faithfulness. His love dispite this worlds hatred. His mercy despite this worlds judgement. His freedom despite this worlds chains. He is our hope. He is our peace. He is everything we need.

but what if we dont know Him. what if we think we dont need Him. what if we are confused about who He is? what if only have ourselves? where can we find hope. where can we regain a reason to live?

not from ourselves. it has to be from someone else. from children in africa whose parents have died of AIDS and they are now orphans. we find hope from their smile. we find hope in their dreams. we find hope in their innocent eyes that tell us there is more to life. there cant be just us from nothing returning to nothing. there is something. and we are a part of that something. there is hope. and a reason to live. even if none of us know for sure what that reason is. we all feel it.

unless we have let ourselves stop seeing a reason to hope. unless we have experienced loss or pain and we have not coped with it. when we do not address issues, they stay issues. and while it is hard. beyond hard. heart wrenching sometimes. like the orphan who smiles. we have to find that smile. we have to move. we have to walk. we have to know that this time on the earth, where there is pain, sorrow, loss, choas, monstrousities like human traffiking, diseases, lack of access to basic necessities, selfishness, murder, and even just death. where there is sorrow there is also hope. there is "hope in the dark".

and we may not see it because we focus on the suffering as if we are alone in it. we are not alone. this is very true for us as followers of Christ. because in Christ there is family. acts 17:26 says we were all made from one blood. they same blood runs through us all. and we have been adopted into a family of hope.

and without Christ? the peace that hope brings cannot truly come. i dont think i am right about everything in life. but i think i am right about this. when there is hopelesness. there is not Christ.

when there is Christ there is reason to live. dignity. hope. movement. even in the midst of suffering, death, pain. things i cannot even begin to understand. i know there is hope because i see it in the faces of orphans who smile. and that brings me hope. and it makes me move. and share this hope. and bring this peace to the hearts of those who dont have it. what an incredible gift. i could never have deserved, no matter what i do.

oh how He loves.

selfishness is a real kicker.

how do we move past ourselves? it's a question i have been asking since i can remember. but the answers are not as common.

i know that the road to selflessness never comes to an end. there is no way that on this earth we can become completely selfless. only Jesus could do that. because He was perfect. but, as we move with Him, we must get better at it, right?

or at least we must seek to.

or maybe we must seek Him and in doing so, inevitably, we become less selfish. less concerned with our personal gain. less concerned with being acknowledged for our actions. less in control of how things happen. more at ease. more inclined to give. and learn. and hear. and step back. and be quiet.

and then the growth happens.

anne lamott quotes her pastor in her book "Plan B" saying, "We don't transform ourselves, but when we finally hear, the Spirit has access to our hearts, and that is what changes us". (225)

He loves us. and when we love Him back we start to hear Him speak to us. and then the Spirit begins to take away our selfish desires. we begin to desire God first. and just like His mercy is new every morning, so is our learning of this lesson. every morning we must recognize it. every morning we must take up our cross. let go of ourselves. and listen.

then we must walk. not out of obligation. out or sincere desire to know what it is to pursue love. to live life to it's fullest. to know the God who loves us. to love Him back. to serve His people. and to get over ourselves.

what a lesson.

never ready to leave.

so if you know me at all, then you know that i wish i was everywhere. all the time. when i am where i am, i dont want to leave. but i want to be where i was. or where i am going. at the same time.

but, that is not at all practical.

and i dont think that is fair. but it's reality.

i think the way it seems my life is going is really a blessing though. to be involved in crazy adventures finding community in many places along the way. making such sweet friends.

i had this dream when i was young. to bring all my friends and family from california, and implant them in arizona. so that all of us would be together.

i enjoy togetherness. very much. i think there is less sadness in togetherness. less sorrow. more fun. more chances to enjoy life.

but i know there is something to be learned from this. from being away from people i love.

real community is such a rarity. caring for one another so that all have need. enjoying each other's company. giving advice. going through rough spots. together. eating a meal. doing simple everyday things. together.

each community that i am a part of makes me want to be there all the time. and i wish i could. i think the biggest problem is that the only way i can always be there with them all is if my dream from when i was young could become real.

and, while i am working on positivity. i am also working on reality. but, i dont want to let go of my naivity (is that a word?). the thought i have that we will change the world. that we can make things different. that it doesnt have to be the way it is always. that i can bring about some sort of togetherness.

i know that i cant be everywhere all the time. God can. but, i cant. and i know that i cant get everyone to move to the same city. although i guess i havent tried to force them. i could work on that...

but i can be a part of community. in temecula. in riverside. in nashville. in phoenix. in ride:well. and i can become a better person because of the people i get to share life with. even if it's not all the time. i can learn what a healthy marriage based on Christ looks like. i can learn what it means to love your neighbor. what it means to walk alongside one another. what it means to dream together. what it means to suffer with one another. how to ask hard questions. how to be silly. spontaneous. how to give more than you can. how to serve always. i can learn how to change my perspective on life. on myself. on the world. i can be encouraged and encourage others.

and i can be a part of the growth that follows. as we all walk along our journey's and our stories are intertwined.

in order to enjoy where we are we cant wish we were somewhere else at the same time. we have to love where we are when we are there so that we can properly enjoy when it's over. so that things we are used to can change and we can be more ready.

more ready to leave. always come back. never forget. but keep walking. wherever it takes us. always being thankful for what God has provided for us to be a part of. however long it may last.

what a beautiful community i have. what an amazing, blessing each of you are.

it blows my mind that you are always there. and you never give up on me. it blows my mind that you always care. and that you always love. and that you always give. and that you share your life with me.

the adventures of tall tina and enormous erin.

my mom and i watch a lot of shows about little people and their lives. or the lady who has 19 kids..and counting. or people who hoard. or who have to give up addiction. and then i just wonder how they got these shows about themselves. the tiny choclotiers. little people, big world. my little life. the little couple. all of those.

so we thought of our own. the adventures of tall tina and enormous erin. im going to call one of those channels and tell them we are interesting. so we should have a show about us.

our episode the other day was epic. we drove around the city, ate dinner at sweet tomato. and even had fat free frozen yogurt for dessert. dark chocolate. and we went to big lots. i think we had a few laughing attacks. and we got gas.

epic.

today we met up at islands and ate tacos and french fries. then we went to the 99 cent only store and bought easter gifts for my nieces (tall tina's grandkids).

even more epic.

i dont know why any major tv channel wouldnt pick us up.

we think it could be a cool deal. but then we would probably be able to quit our jobs, and then we might have less interesting stories to talk about while we go to dinner. or big lots. or the 99 cents only store.

dear cbs,
think about it.

love tall tina and enormous erin.

ps. we dont even need a prime time spot...

there's a way i cannot see.

lyrics to live by... from the mind of sara groves.

the long defeat.

I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
all my strength and energy are raindrops in the ocean
so conditioned for the win to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din I've heard of other glories

I pray for an idea and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more than a possible defeat

I pray for an idea and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

We walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next but what I have I've offered

I pray for a vision and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

I pray for inspiration and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave.

________________________


i have joined the long defeat.
there is a way i cannot see.
what i have i offer.
it's impossible to leave.

countrytime lemonade.

one time i had a thing of countrytime lemonade in my car for about 8 months. i just never took it out. we already had some in our cupboard at the hilson house. and so i figured i would just leave it there until we needed it. we never needed it. so one day i just brought it in. i think i left it in the hilson house cupboard for them to use after i moved.

i have a problem cleaning my car. i never want to do it. i dont think it smells. and i dont think i smell. but, i guess i could be wrong. my roommates thought i was smelly because i didnt wash my comforter. i didnt know people did that. sometimes i just dont know things.

there is a vw bus on the corner. im staring at it. i have been trying to distinguish between wants and needs for a few years. but i think i might need one. maybe after my sentra breaks down.

it's 76 degrees today in phoenix. on wed. it will be 84. that is crazy. i rode my bike on saturday. 30 miles. and made friends with the manager at the bike shop i go to. he is a regular at the restaraunt i work at. which is in the same parking lot. how convenient.

remember how i said i have a problem with not cleaning my car? i have that problem in a lot of areas. where i know i should do something, but then i dont do it. it's kinda like that with biking. i want to ride. everyday. but i dont know where to ride. or if i should really ride alone. so then sometimes i just go to the gym. i want to be strong to face those mountains and headwinds. i want to be strong in my life, too. to know things better. not just know parts of things. and not just halfway complete things. i want to do things well.

like when i serve. i want to know what im talking about. instead of when people ask, "what's Kaiware?" and then i say, "i have no idea; can i ask and come right back?" or when they ask how do the beers taste. or the sushi. and i say, "i have no idea". i want to have an idea. at least. and i want to ride my bike. and change tires. and fall off. and tru a wheel. and learn endurance. and i want to clean my car out. and wash my comforters. and not be smelly.

next time i have countrytime lemonade. im going to make it. and then have a lemonade stand. and invite all of you. and we can talk about bikes. and sushi. and beer. and then go for a ride.

the tv is fuzz.

if i dont turn the cable off there is a slight buzzing noise. barely recognizable coming from the tv. whenever i visit a house without a tv i get excited. these people are noble, i think. going against the grain. probably read a lot of books i only stare at on the shelf.

i want to have one of those houses without a tv someday. not for show. but so i can see if it's true about the books. and also because i can watch the office and grey's anatomy on my computer anyways. take that! tv.

my life story starting with the tv being fuzz is different than what im writing now. i just like to use it as the title to things. i think it grasps people's attention. that's why my book is going to have it in the title. ive been thinking a lot about the idea of writing a book lately. a lot of people are doing it. so i dont want to anymore. but most of it is already written. and the rest will write itself as i put it together. it's not coherent. but neither am i, so i guess it's a good reflection the author. i cant imagine it getting published. but that's because i lack confidence. it's not like a false lack of confidence, either. you know, the kind where i say im not good at something, or something probably wont work out because i want you to say that im wrong. that i am good at it, and that it will work out. i dont really want you to say that. unless you really think so.

i dont always think that i wont finish this book. or that it wont get published. or that everyone will hate it. just sometimes. and then i dont work on it anymore because it seems overwhelming. i have two friends now who have written legit books. substantial ones that you have probably heard of. i hear thier stories of how it happened for them. and i hope for the same. but i know we are different. and there is a reason i have this idea. and maybe it will end up working out.

someone who inspires me is a woman named melody. she has a beautiful voice. and she spends a lot of time singing back up for sara groves. who also inspires me. melody recenlty completed her own cd. it had been a dream of hers for a long time. and she did it. regardless of whatever success it would bring. she fundraised for it. she recorded it. and she released it.

im going to write my book. then im going to keep living my life.

because this life. it's not about an earthly destination. it's not as if i will become something once i reach this or that destination. the journey is the destination. so, i keep journeying. a new adventure unfolds with each day.

one day i might have one of those noble houses without a tv. another day i might have a book that people i dont know end up reading. or money to pay off my student loans. but, like switchfoot says in the economy of mercy, "today i have today".

and it's unpredictable. even in the "mundane" the tv is fuzz.