never ready to leave.

so if you know me at all, then you know that i wish i was everywhere. all the time. when i am where i am, i dont want to leave. but i want to be where i was. or where i am going. at the same time.

but, that is not at all practical.

and i dont think that is fair. but it's reality.

i think the way it seems my life is going is really a blessing though. to be involved in crazy adventures finding community in many places along the way. making such sweet friends.

i had this dream when i was young. to bring all my friends and family from california, and implant them in arizona. so that all of us would be together.

i enjoy togetherness. very much. i think there is less sadness in togetherness. less sorrow. more fun. more chances to enjoy life.

but i know there is something to be learned from this. from being away from people i love.

real community is such a rarity. caring for one another so that all have need. enjoying each other's company. giving advice. going through rough spots. together. eating a meal. doing simple everyday things. together.

each community that i am a part of makes me want to be there all the time. and i wish i could. i think the biggest problem is that the only way i can always be there with them all is if my dream from when i was young could become real.

and, while i am working on positivity. i am also working on reality. but, i dont want to let go of my naivity (is that a word?). the thought i have that we will change the world. that we can make things different. that it doesnt have to be the way it is always. that i can bring about some sort of togetherness.

i know that i cant be everywhere all the time. God can. but, i cant. and i know that i cant get everyone to move to the same city. although i guess i havent tried to force them. i could work on that...

but i can be a part of community. in temecula. in riverside. in nashville. in phoenix. in ride:well. and i can become a better person because of the people i get to share life with. even if it's not all the time. i can learn what a healthy marriage based on Christ looks like. i can learn what it means to love your neighbor. what it means to walk alongside one another. what it means to dream together. what it means to suffer with one another. how to ask hard questions. how to be silly. spontaneous. how to give more than you can. how to serve always. i can learn how to change my perspective on life. on myself. on the world. i can be encouraged and encourage others.

and i can be a part of the growth that follows. as we all walk along our journey's and our stories are intertwined.

in order to enjoy where we are we cant wish we were somewhere else at the same time. we have to love where we are when we are there so that we can properly enjoy when it's over. so that things we are used to can change and we can be more ready.

more ready to leave. always come back. never forget. but keep walking. wherever it takes us. always being thankful for what God has provided for us to be a part of. however long it may last.

what a beautiful community i have. what an amazing, blessing each of you are.

it blows my mind that you are always there. and you never give up on me. it blows my mind that you always care. and that you always love. and that you always give. and that you share your life with me.

the adventures of tall tina and enormous erin.

my mom and i watch a lot of shows about little people and their lives. or the lady who has 19 kids..and counting. or people who hoard. or who have to give up addiction. and then i just wonder how they got these shows about themselves. the tiny choclotiers. little people, big world. my little life. the little couple. all of those.

so we thought of our own. the adventures of tall tina and enormous erin. im going to call one of those channels and tell them we are interesting. so we should have a show about us.

our episode the other day was epic. we drove around the city, ate dinner at sweet tomato. and even had fat free frozen yogurt for dessert. dark chocolate. and we went to big lots. i think we had a few laughing attacks. and we got gas.

epic.

today we met up at islands and ate tacos and french fries. then we went to the 99 cent only store and bought easter gifts for my nieces (tall tina's grandkids).

even more epic.

i dont know why any major tv channel wouldnt pick us up.

we think it could be a cool deal. but then we would probably be able to quit our jobs, and then we might have less interesting stories to talk about while we go to dinner. or big lots. or the 99 cents only store.

dear cbs,
think about it.

love tall tina and enormous erin.

ps. we dont even need a prime time spot...

there's a way i cannot see.

lyrics to live by... from the mind of sara groves.

the long defeat.

I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
all my strength and energy are raindrops in the ocean
so conditioned for the win to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din I've heard of other glories

I pray for an idea and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more than a possible defeat

I pray for an idea and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

We walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next but what I have I've offered

I pray for a vision and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

I pray for inspiration and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave.

________________________


i have joined the long defeat.
there is a way i cannot see.
what i have i offer.
it's impossible to leave.

countrytime lemonade.

one time i had a thing of countrytime lemonade in my car for about 8 months. i just never took it out. we already had some in our cupboard at the hilson house. and so i figured i would just leave it there until we needed it. we never needed it. so one day i just brought it in. i think i left it in the hilson house cupboard for them to use after i moved.

i have a problem cleaning my car. i never want to do it. i dont think it smells. and i dont think i smell. but, i guess i could be wrong. my roommates thought i was smelly because i didnt wash my comforter. i didnt know people did that. sometimes i just dont know things.

there is a vw bus on the corner. im staring at it. i have been trying to distinguish between wants and needs for a few years. but i think i might need one. maybe after my sentra breaks down.

it's 76 degrees today in phoenix. on wed. it will be 84. that is crazy. i rode my bike on saturday. 30 miles. and made friends with the manager at the bike shop i go to. he is a regular at the restaraunt i work at. which is in the same parking lot. how convenient.

remember how i said i have a problem with not cleaning my car? i have that problem in a lot of areas. where i know i should do something, but then i dont do it. it's kinda like that with biking. i want to ride. everyday. but i dont know where to ride. or if i should really ride alone. so then sometimes i just go to the gym. i want to be strong to face those mountains and headwinds. i want to be strong in my life, too. to know things better. not just know parts of things. and not just halfway complete things. i want to do things well.

like when i serve. i want to know what im talking about. instead of when people ask, "what's Kaiware?" and then i say, "i have no idea; can i ask and come right back?" or when they ask how do the beers taste. or the sushi. and i say, "i have no idea". i want to have an idea. at least. and i want to ride my bike. and change tires. and fall off. and tru a wheel. and learn endurance. and i want to clean my car out. and wash my comforters. and not be smelly.

next time i have countrytime lemonade. im going to make it. and then have a lemonade stand. and invite all of you. and we can talk about bikes. and sushi. and beer. and then go for a ride.

the tv is fuzz.

if i dont turn the cable off there is a slight buzzing noise. barely recognizable coming from the tv. whenever i visit a house without a tv i get excited. these people are noble, i think. going against the grain. probably read a lot of books i only stare at on the shelf.

i want to have one of those houses without a tv someday. not for show. but so i can see if it's true about the books. and also because i can watch the office and grey's anatomy on my computer anyways. take that! tv.

my life story starting with the tv being fuzz is different than what im writing now. i just like to use it as the title to things. i think it grasps people's attention. that's why my book is going to have it in the title. ive been thinking a lot about the idea of writing a book lately. a lot of people are doing it. so i dont want to anymore. but most of it is already written. and the rest will write itself as i put it together. it's not coherent. but neither am i, so i guess it's a good reflection the author. i cant imagine it getting published. but that's because i lack confidence. it's not like a false lack of confidence, either. you know, the kind where i say im not good at something, or something probably wont work out because i want you to say that im wrong. that i am good at it, and that it will work out. i dont really want you to say that. unless you really think so.

i dont always think that i wont finish this book. or that it wont get published. or that everyone will hate it. just sometimes. and then i dont work on it anymore because it seems overwhelming. i have two friends now who have written legit books. substantial ones that you have probably heard of. i hear thier stories of how it happened for them. and i hope for the same. but i know we are different. and there is a reason i have this idea. and maybe it will end up working out.

someone who inspires me is a woman named melody. she has a beautiful voice. and she spends a lot of time singing back up for sara groves. who also inspires me. melody recenlty completed her own cd. it had been a dream of hers for a long time. and she did it. regardless of whatever success it would bring. she fundraised for it. she recorded it. and she released it.

im going to write my book. then im going to keep living my life.

because this life. it's not about an earthly destination. it's not as if i will become something once i reach this or that destination. the journey is the destination. so, i keep journeying. a new adventure unfolds with each day.

one day i might have one of those noble houses without a tv. another day i might have a book that people i dont know end up reading. or money to pay off my student loans. but, like switchfoot says in the economy of mercy, "today i have today".

and it's unpredictable. even in the "mundane" the tv is fuzz.