the pressure. the weight. the freedom. the release. and walking.

oh the pressure of life has been weighing on me lately. sometimes, i guess, i get this idea that everything i want to do needs to be done now. or quickly. and there is no time to actually relax. even when i am sitting doing nothing, im thinking of the lists of things i want to accomplish and convincing myself that there are too many things. overwhelmed, i begin to rush life. i miss out on the journey. i ignore the freedom, and i stop walking.

today we went to see don speak. he was the guest speaker at a church in gilbert that reminded me a lot of the oaks fellowship in red oak, texas. don hit the nail on the head. this church in gilbert, az is focused on the verse micah 6:8. "what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God". don was invited to speak on the part of the verse that says, "walk humbly with God". he spoke a lot about walking. about movement with God. about how we connect with God when we are doing. when we jump in. when we take risks. when we dream big, and move with Him. he talked about being a child. when we would create as children. if someone gave us a box of crayons and a peice of paper we would go to town on that paper, creating something beautiful and chaotic on the canvas. don talked about doing that now, as followers of Christ. not asking God, "what is Thy will for my life?", but saying, "thank you for this canvas, God, thank you for this freedom" and drawing on it, whatever is in our hearts. just start drawing. even if it is a purple horse. dive in.

he said, "find the thing that's in your heart, that moves you most, and do it" he said, "God gave that to you". don talked about us being a part of an orchestra as the Body of Christ. he quoted his band director, who said, "when you are playing make sure you never stop looking at me, and keep listening for the other instruments; if you can't hear them, you are playing too loud". don said this a good metaphor for our lives with Christ. keep looking at Him and listening to the voices of the Orchestra around us. in this orchestra of the Body, God gets the solo. but we have to play. together.

and that is beautiful. and that is freedom. and when i think of all of this. and when i think of how God uses the weak to lead the strong. the weary and broken to speak out. i remember that He gets the glory. and this life is a gift. and when i remember all of this, the weight begins to lift. the pressure begins to release.

but it always comes back. and when it comes back i think maybe i am bipolar, or i have some sort of emotional problems that only good sessions of heavy counseling can unravel. i mean, because this pressure is sometimes hard to bear. the thing is it's brought on by my own self. my own mind. maybe satan. a confusion that tells me im doing everything wrong. im missing out on something. im going to make a bad decision that changes everything. my dreams will never be fulfilled. everyone is against me. no one hears what i say. and then because i am thinking so much about myself, i focus on stripping myself of self. i think constantly, how can i stop being selfish? how can i take the focus on me and make sure all my motivation is found in loving God?

and then don talked about humility. about stripping oneself of self. and how if we are thinking about it, we are focused on ourselves. and we can't become selfless this way. like everything else in life, we have to just live. we have to just walk. we have to keep our eyes on God and walk. and when we are doing this, we distract ourselves from the idea of humility, selflessness, and we just are humble, and selfless. and we dont even realize it. like Jesus. but, because we are human, and not God, we can only get a glimpse of this in life. in our interactions with God; when we are distracted by His glory, we get a glimpse of how amazing He is, and we are, in those moments, freed from ourselves.

in walking with God, i've begun to see the pressure that i put on myself. im thinking it will always be there. but, im thinking things like training for ride:well, riding across america, being a part of a team, community, and moving across country make it fade. i think that doing things that scare me start releasing the pressure. and when i breathe in God there is freedom. and the weight is lifted. and i am less likely to be quick to anger, more likely to smile. less likely to have a headache, and more likely to rest in Him. and when my heart starts beating too quickly, i will know to stop my mind from racing, and breathe in deeply. and then release.

thoughts...what makes us feel hopeless, and what brings us hope?

today i went on a bike ride with a new friend. our conversation came to the loss of hope in life. this was at the beginning of the ride. and i rode those 3 hours thinking a lot about this reality.

we all experience loss. we all experience pain..physical, emotional, all kinds of pain. we all experience hopelessness. a loss of interest in living. a loss of reason for living. a loss of purpose.

it is real. we cant ignore this. so, my mind began to spin with ideas of how to address it. what to look for. how to bring hope back into the hearts of people who have lost it. how to regain purpose. dignity. reason to keep moving. when you have lost it.

the thing is i think we all find hope outside of ourselves. we cannot find it inside us. not first anyway. there has to be an outside source of hope. for me it is God. it is His redemption. it is His promise. His covenant. His faithfulness. His love dispite this worlds hatred. His mercy despite this worlds judgement. His freedom despite this worlds chains. He is our hope. He is our peace. He is everything we need.

but what if we dont know Him. what if we think we dont need Him. what if we are confused about who He is? what if only have ourselves? where can we find hope. where can we regain a reason to live?

not from ourselves. it has to be from someone else. from children in africa whose parents have died of AIDS and they are now orphans. we find hope from their smile. we find hope in their dreams. we find hope in their innocent eyes that tell us there is more to life. there cant be just us from nothing returning to nothing. there is something. and we are a part of that something. there is hope. and a reason to live. even if none of us know for sure what that reason is. we all feel it.

unless we have let ourselves stop seeing a reason to hope. unless we have experienced loss or pain and we have not coped with it. when we do not address issues, they stay issues. and while it is hard. beyond hard. heart wrenching sometimes. like the orphan who smiles. we have to find that smile. we have to move. we have to walk. we have to know that this time on the earth, where there is pain, sorrow, loss, choas, monstrousities like human traffiking, diseases, lack of access to basic necessities, selfishness, murder, and even just death. where there is sorrow there is also hope. there is "hope in the dark".

and we may not see it because we focus on the suffering as if we are alone in it. we are not alone. this is very true for us as followers of Christ. because in Christ there is family. acts 17:26 says we were all made from one blood. they same blood runs through us all. and we have been adopted into a family of hope.

and without Christ? the peace that hope brings cannot truly come. i dont think i am right about everything in life. but i think i am right about this. when there is hopelesness. there is not Christ.

when there is Christ there is reason to live. dignity. hope. movement. even in the midst of suffering, death, pain. things i cannot even begin to understand. i know there is hope because i see it in the faces of orphans who smile. and that brings me hope. and it makes me move. and share this hope. and bring this peace to the hearts of those who dont have it. what an incredible gift. i could never have deserved, no matter what i do.

oh how He loves.

selfishness is a real kicker.

how do we move past ourselves? it's a question i have been asking since i can remember. but the answers are not as common.

i know that the road to selflessness never comes to an end. there is no way that on this earth we can become completely selfless. only Jesus could do that. because He was perfect. but, as we move with Him, we must get better at it, right?

or at least we must seek to.

or maybe we must seek Him and in doing so, inevitably, we become less selfish. less concerned with our personal gain. less concerned with being acknowledged for our actions. less in control of how things happen. more at ease. more inclined to give. and learn. and hear. and step back. and be quiet.

and then the growth happens.

anne lamott quotes her pastor in her book "Plan B" saying, "We don't transform ourselves, but when we finally hear, the Spirit has access to our hearts, and that is what changes us". (225)

He loves us. and when we love Him back we start to hear Him speak to us. and then the Spirit begins to take away our selfish desires. we begin to desire God first. and just like His mercy is new every morning, so is our learning of this lesson. every morning we must recognize it. every morning we must take up our cross. let go of ourselves. and listen.

then we must walk. not out of obligation. out or sincere desire to know what it is to pursue love. to live life to it's fullest. to know the God who loves us. to love Him back. to serve His people. and to get over ourselves.

what a lesson.