I wrote this on a wednesday.
Boy oh boy have I been learning a lot in the last few months. I have had some measure of writers block since I moved to Seattle. Most days I dream of working on my book, but don’t move much past that dream. It is sitting in my trunk waiting to be rescued. Today I feel like dreaming and doing. Today I see God at work. Today my eyes are open. My ears are hearing. My heart is full. Today I trust God. Today I really believe He is good. Today I’m not afraid.
But, yesterday. Yesterday was Tuesday.
I think most of us since we were tiny, had some kind of dream about the day we would get married. It’s like this illusive reality. A date in the future that we cannot really wrap our minds around. Who will it be? How old will I be? Will it happen for me? What will my wedding day be like? Who will be my bridesmaids? What will my wedding dress look like? We either think of these often or just figure they will be a part of our lives at some point, and we subconsciously look forward to this day. No matter who we are though, we think of getting married to some degree, and we imagine what the day will be like.
I got proposed to on a beach on my 25th birthday. And I bought my wedding dress on a Tuesday. I never thought ahead about what it would be like to experience engagement. I never thought about marriage counseling. To some degree, I guess I imagined I would meet with my pastor before the “big day” and discuss things about marriage to prepare. I never imagined I would take a class. That I would be in small group, listen to a teaching, do a lot of homework, and meet with a pastor I didn’t know to prepare for my marriage. I never imagined it would be messy. That I would have to dig deep down and find the things that have happened in my life which make me who I am today, and see the truth of what needs to be called out, and what needs to be changed. I always believed what I heard about how being married will be the most significant part of one’s sanctification. But, I never really knew why. I never knew it was because you can’t hide from yourself anymore. Because you can’t ignore the necessity of change, of sacrifice, or repentance. Not anymore. Not when someone else is getting ready to become one flesh with you. You have to consider them. You can no longer run. Or even try to.
I’m not one to ignore problems; to pretend like everything is okay when it is not. But, there are things in my heart that feel really deep, that God is calling out and reminding me that He has freed me from them so I need not be enslaved to them any longer. I watched a documentary on Rwanda. It’s called “Wounded Healers”. It expresses God’s power to reconcile enemies to each other, even in regards to one of the world’s most horrendous tragedies, namely, the Rwandan Genocide. In this documentary Pascal, a Tutsi Rwandan citizen, survives the genocide. His pregnant wife, however, does not. She is murdered by their neighbor Narcisse, a Hutu, who has been brainwashed to believe this innocent pregnant woman is an enemy. Pascal is the first of many Rwandans to genuinely forgive Narcisse for his crime. It’s hard to believe this to be possible. But, if we remember who our God is, we remember the truth He proclaims, “nothing will be impossible with God”. This floors me. But, it is real. And a reminder to me, and to everyone who sees any part of Rwanda’s story of reconciliation that God is who He said He was. He is love. He is good. He does work everything together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He is involved. He does care. He is in the business of justice. Of Hope. Of reconciliation. Of shalom. He is at work. And He is faithful. We can’t completely understand God. Where He is coming from, and why He does things the way He does. But, we can hold on to these truth’s that we know about Him.
Yesterday was Tuesday. But, today is Wednesday. I’m in Seattle in March and the sun is out. It’s 65 degrees and God is here. Today there is hope. My grandma just told me something I won’t soon forget. She said, “the things we worry about are things that never end up happening”. This is important for me to remember because yesterday, on Tuesday, God began to reveal a work He has been doing in my heart, namely freedom. In marriage counseling I brought up my fear of death. My fear of Dan dying. Of God doing whatever He wants to get glory. All of these real fears I hold onto which reveal my heart of unbelief in God. That a sin I am tempted by is fear, and a wrong view of the Creator God. I started believing deep in my heart lies that I had yet to recognize. That God is angry at me. That God is harsh. That God will not be faithful. That God will not carry me through the heartache of losing a loved one, even though He has already. That God is absent from me, and cannot come closer. That none of this will ever change. I cried a lot in counseling, and confessed these things to God.
And today is Wednesday, and I feel free.
My wedding dress is long and white. Made of cotton eyelet material. My wedding celebration is in 115 days from today. I got an internship at Rwanda Partners today. And God reminded me to trust Him. Not because He will give me what I want. But, because He will not withhold from me joy regardless of whether I end up getting what I want, or I end up experiencing what I fear most. He reminded me that He is good, and that what I worry about most likely won’t end up happening, but even if it does, He will never leave nor forsake me. He reminded me to consider the ravens and the lilies. And He reminded me that He foreknew what would happen in my life before He knit me together in my mother’s womb. And that He knew I would buy my wedding dress on a Tuesday.
