it's been 5 months. i've needed to write this out, but it's hard to find the time. and it's hard to find the words.
let me tell you a story.
five months ago on september 7th, my due date, my water broke: a little. i didnt know for sure if it was my water. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. my back was hurting and i wondered if i was having contractions. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. i went to my midwives office and she checked me. my water had broken, and i was having contractions. small contractions. she said that i had 72 hours to go into labor before i would have to start trying natural induction strategies. dan thought that probably meant i wouldnt go into labor that day. i thought it probably meant i would. my midwife said go home, eat dinner, and get rest. so we went out to dinner at the oak, our favorite place to get a burger, went home, and watched 50 first dates in our bed (we briefly had our old tv in our room). towards the end i was getting very uncomfortable. luckily i had convinced dan to leave the plastic on our mattress in case i went into labor. because by the end of 50 first dates, i was in labor. i learned all these techniques for relaxation in our birth class. we practiced them. i didnt i remember any of them until after labor was over. i couldnt think or move. i couldnt relax. i couldnt even cry, or eat or walk around or bounce on a ball or get into the shower, or anything. i could yell, and that's what i did. my labor was short as far as labors are often concerned. so my doula later said she was afraid she might have to deliver her first baby because the midwife wasnt getting there and i was progressing so quickly! i know that when we called my midwife, i was having contractions 6 minutes apart...ish. then she said call back when they are 3 minutes are less apart. they were 3 minutes apart 10 minutes after our first call to her. so we called her again. and my doula told me later that she was secretly frantically texting my midwife to check on her whereabouts because she thought we would run out of time. my midwife got there on time, but definitely wasnt there long before i started to push. i dont know how long i pushed, but i remember the pain was mostly from how i was holding my body. so uncomfortable! i remember my midwife said i was doing great at not pushing too fast which made me think, "yes, maybe i wont tear so bad", and "what was i afraid of, this is not so bad". but then. Lilly's head was stuck, and my midwife said she needed to cut. Ah! she cut, and i tore. Lilly was presenting asynclitic. with her head tilted in a funny way which made for a rough exit. So, although she only weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces, I was left with some months of recovery that I wasn't expecting. People often describe the way they felt when they saw their baby for the first time as "the best moment of their life" or "so beautiful". I don't remember feeling those things, or anything really. Now I am quite confident that I was in shock. Trauma to my body took away those feelings, and that is unfortunate, but now I have those feelings every moment when I look at Lilly. She is so amazing. And I am so happy to be her mom.
But the story continues... with me, in shock, getting sown up. (just keepin it real here). While administering post birth shots of Pitocin because of bleeding, my midwife states, "Erin, I think I'll have to have you transferred to the hospital for repair, I want a second opinion on this tear so that you will heal well". Or something to that effect. "okay", I said. Shock. "can I have some orange juice? I remember they said I should drink orange juice after and try to walk around". "can I have some food too?" yes. My doula goes to get my juice and food. A burrito or mac n cheese? Mac and cheese. Dan can eat the burrito. Good thing he does because he wouldn't be eating for a while after that. Since Lilly was already born and healthy (thank God!), Swedish would not allow her to come with me unless I entered the hospital via the emergency room. Oh good! But it wasn't an emergency so we waited over and hour, maybe two? For the ambulance to come. They got there after my midwife had administered an I.V. , I had eaten a half toast with peanut butter, and before I could get my clothes on. One female. One male medic. Oh good. My doula helped me get a shirt on quickly and put on those awesome mesh underwear. The medics asked if I wanted to sit in their chair to go down my skinny houses two flights of stairs, or if I could walk. Hmmm. I hate both options. I can't sit or walk. So with the help of my midwife, my doula, and the medics, I army crawled backwards in my mesh underwear down two flights of stairs. Luckily, the stretcher was in my living room and they covered me up before I went outside to the ambulance. Dan got Lilly ready (oh happy first day baby!), and our bag packed up, and after 30 minutes of the two medics and Dan trying to get the carseat into the ambulance, we left for the hospital.
Admitting me to the emergency room took a while. One highlight was my midwife advocating that they don't poke me again but use my current I.V. port to draw blood and do a hospital I.V. through. (thanks Cindie, I needed a win). I remember joking around with people and trying to help myself cope. My midwife later said she admired that. I was just surviving. At some point they said we could have a post partum room and we could Move to it soon, so we did that. And at some point they told me that I could be put under for my surgery or that I could get a spinal tap and that they recommended a spinal tap because there are people who say anesthesia can get into the breast milk and maybe be bad for the baby. Okay. So I started sobbing. Dan, my midwife, and my doula surrounded me to pray. They said would not be so bad to get the anesthesia for this. I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please! I already did a natural birth, had shots, stitches, an i.v. that didn't want! I didn't get an epidural because I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please don't make me get one now that it's over! I chose anesthesia. Then surgery came. They wheeled me into pre op. Without letting me say goodbye, they stopped Lilly and everyone at door. They said she can't come in because she is a newborn (understandable, but please let this traumatized, emotional, brand freaking. New mom say bye to her baby before you take her away on her first day of life!) my midwife and doula took care of Lilly, and Dan came in with me. We cried together. He held my hand while they told me that I had to wait two more hours because of the half toast I after giving birth. I cried so hard. Why didn't I lie about eating!! I needed this ordeal to be over. We all did. Also I was SO TIRED AND SO HUNGRY. At some point they did let me go see Lilly for 45 minutes before surgery. I was glad to see her but having a hard time because of shock and exhaustion. Then they wheeled me back or surgery finally. (Lilly was born at 5:42am and it was now 2pm and I had labored from 9pm til she was born at 5:42am). There were a bunch of lady doctors surrounding me as they gave me anesthesia. I remember saying, "everything is going to be okay, right?" they said yes. Then I remember the lights, and waking up to their voices. They told me important sounding things that I couldn't retain. Then wheeled me to post op to wake up. The nurse came in to find me weeping. I asked her if I could please see my husband. She said no. No one is allowed I post op, and she left. I cried harder than I ever have. I don't know. I felt so alone. I needed a hug.
I was so happy to be back in the room wit Dan and Lilly. I remember then laying Lilly on me, my doula giving me a jimmy johns sandwich which I had been craving my whole pregnancy, and her ordering me some milkshakes which my friend Diana had raved about. I don't remember much else. Then the next day we got to go home. It was a relief, though due to silly things, I had to return to the emergency room via ambulance two days later. And what ensued next were many crazy (which is normal) days of getting used to a newborn, and realizing we weren't feeding her well, and engorgement, and blisters (you don't want to know). And me not sitting up again for almost 2months. I spent so many days in my bed. I ate and slept there like they do on TLC's my 600 pound life. I could barely make it to the bathroom, let alone downstairs (where the kitchen is). I needed help and so many amazing friends and family helped me. I am eternally grateful for each of you (you know who you are), and my midwife, Cindie, and my doula, Tiffany. God placed them in my life intentionally. They helped me through. Dan helped me through and I am eternally grateful for his patience, endurance, and support.
But I'm not okay with what happened. I don't know why it happened. And I don't want it to happen again. I needed to write this to help me process, and to say, birth is a big deal. I know it's not always so rough, but it is a big deal. And I don't think you really get it til you do it. I don't really have anything else to say about this. Except that I have some healing to do. And I could use prayer. Thanks for reading and being my friend.
Love,
Erin
