i guess that means something.
ive been figuring out how to identify my feelings better, and communicate my thoughts. dan and i have been talking about future things some. we have thoughts, and afar off ideas, but nothing concrete. one thing i often brought up at first was moving. i have wanted to get out of seattle since i got here. only i wanted to be with dan even more than i wanted to leave. so, i stayed.
there have been a lot of changes in me since. the main one, of course being, marrying dan. what that looks like fleshed out is something i'm still working on explaining correctly, especially to friends getting ready to get married themselves. the changes are in no way bad, even if they are hard. they mainly revolve around two people becoming one- and what that does to your previous conception of your own identity. i think it's even more change for the woman, because she also loses her family name, and takes on a different families name. seems small, maybe, but it's a big deal. not a bad deal, just a big deal.
with this renewal of my identity, came more change. i began viewing myself not only from my perspective, but also from dan's. how does what i say, do, think, not do, effect this other person who is a part of me now? this realization caused me to reevaluate why i have been feeling like i want to leave seattle so bad, why i was feeling depressed, and where it was that i wanted to go that wasn't seattle.
i figured it out a few weeks ago when dan and i were in portland. we were at julian's house, and he and i were talking about old times. and i got that feeling in my heart again. like it was bigger than before. like it was sparking. it's the feeling i have when i most want to leave seattle and go to another place. in that moment i realized that the place i want to be so badly, the place i long for, isn't real anymore. i told julian and dan, "i guess the place where i want to move is back to the memories".
that's the truth. i long for the memories. for the good friends, and the family attached to the experiences that changed me most.
this may not be a life-altering realization for most, because i'm guessing it's a common feeling. but, for me, it has really helped. it helps me to look back on those memories with so much thankfulness that they happened at all, even if they had to also end. it makes me feel even more love for the people attached to those memories. it makes me feel more joy. and it makes me realize more fully, that God had ordained those moments, and they changed me. they changed us. and they are a part of who each of us is right now. and we carry them with us always.
i guess the moments, and the times in life i miss so deeply would not be close to as precious if they lasted forever.
and now each moment that i have with my sweet husband, i treasure deep inside my soul, because i know each moment is a gift. and later it will be a memory that makes my heart spark as it fills again with the love i remember feeling back in the moment; however many years ago.
it's almost christmas, and im just thinking, "it's a beautiful life", and i didnt even mean to quote that movie title.
but, it is. and i have such beautiful memories, with such amazingly beautiful people that i will always always treasure.
so, i just want to say to Ride:Well 2008- matthew williams, brianne olson, jesse olson, don miller, margie gordner, mindy gunter, jess abt, jessica blocker, greg bargo, gregg mwendwa, david van buskirk, iron mike barrow, criselda vasquez, jen tyler, drew nelson, joanne cadicomo, and branndon bargo you guys changed me. and what we did together is always a part of who we are now, and who we are becoming. and no one else has these same memories as us. it is so special what we have. and i love each of you, and i will forever.
Ride:Well 2010- dan perkins, cody henderson, demetrius burns, ryan reid, heather goodman, anne taylor-biddle, stephanie smith, lexi austin, shannon jones, jenn vasquez- you guys changed me, and what we have is different and special. and i love each of you and i always will.
cal baptist university- jay potter, hannah barrett, amanda jenkins, drew and taryn mcelvany, rose barnes, and the gang, jacob stoutenberg, lauren vail, heather gibson, tim wilson, garret newman, maydelle white, and 2D!! ISP Rwanda 2007, the post and copy center, and everyone that was there at the same time as me. i miss your faces. those moments we had walking past each other, eating around each other in the caf. we always have those in our hearts and they dont go away. even though it's been 3 years for me since ive been there.
nashville. hilson. journey church. nashvillage. middle school and high school friends. phoenix. frozen yogurt. the bridge church. temecula. the san bernadino mountains. family. hope freaking mendola and PONDO 06!! and 07...
i wont ever move on or forget. but, i will live where i am at right now. because like my friend paul hurckman of (ventureexpeditions.org look it up) said recently, "we want to look at what God is doing right now, and be a part of that".
so, now i am looking at what God is doing in seattle. in my marriage. and with the memories of the past and the good friends that stay close even from far away. and i am more grateful than ever to fondly, with an incredible amount of warmth, look back and remember God is sovereign, and faithful- He gave me these experiences, and He gives new ones even now.
im glad the old ones will always be a part of me. i'm glad all of you will always be a part of me.
love,
erin.
