i've just been thinking lately: life is so weird. it's this amount of time which is different for everyone, where we are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. it's like all of us are hoping for, even waiting for something more. even if we dont know what or why. i believe there is more to hope for; that there is something we are waiting for while we fill our time on earth. there is something more; it's a place we cannot now understand filled with the presence of God in such a huge capacity; a hugeness of which we cannot now know; it's a place He is preparing for those who love Him. it sounds crazy to some because it is not something we can imagine or comprehend. but i believe we were made for that other place. the place where God is. a place outside of time, free from pain, sorrow, and oppression. a place full of only complete joy and freedom.
and now as we live, we walk blindly, trusting in ourselves or in God, or at times in one or the Other. we only have speculations of where we are going and how long we will be there. nothing is certain. each day passes leaving us with only a memory of a past we can't get back, welcoming us into an uncomfortable present- a place i find the most difficulty enjoying in it's vaporous moments. i wish it away before i feel all of it's possible joy, hoping for adventure, freedom, a more satisfying future. a future that makes me feel like i did in the past.
and I've been thinking those vaporous moments, this vaporous moment, is precious. it is unlike any other moment i will ever or have ever experienced. it is a vapor. and if i dont enjoy it thoroughly as it is happening, if i complain and mope through it, wont i then miss it even more once it is gone? maybe deep down it's regret that makes me long for the past. because i wish i could go back and enjoy it the way my vivid memories encourage that i should have initially done.
one thing that's true is at any moment we could be having our last moment in this life. but something even more important is the choices we make in each of our moments. the choice to enjoy ourselves free from worry or pressure or fear of man or fear of death. the choice to trust. to keep moving. to take risks. to laugh heartily. to bring comfort. to bring hope. to offer a hand. to offer the shirt of your back. to stand up for what is right. to encourage. to ride on despite difficulties or pain. then those moments, as they become memories, will fill us with such thankfulness because they were enjoyed as thoroughly as possible, and they were too precious to be recreated. so no attempt is necessary.
and also there is so much that some people do and others dont. and i have been thinking about how that happens. how our choices that matter as we live these fleeting moments also include what to do with ourselves. all of us choose something a little bit different, dont we? and it's not just about our jobs (i mean your reading something by me, and i dont have a job), it's about everything else too. do we follow Jesus or buddha, or Allah, or ourselves. who do we spend our time with? where do we live? do we ever own a house? do we ever get married? do we ever visit Europe or Australia or Africa or America? do our moments end as a child or do they end at age 100? can we have kids? do we adopt? what tragedy do we experience? what do we fight for? what do we stand for? how do we spend our moments? some of these questions are things that happen to us, not things we choose, and how do we reconcile those times with what we believe, or with joy? and how do we move forward? and who do we lean on?
even though i am having these thoughts and trying to articulate them correctly, i want to say that i'm happy. im happy when i think back on memories of moments lived fully in college, at ponderosa pines christian camp, in rwanda, on the 2008 ride:well tour, in nashville, in phoenix, on the 2010 ride:well tour, in seattle, at my wedding, in my marriage to my best friend, and each vivid moment's memory with friends and family. but i've just thinking of how each of us walks a path that is slightly or completely different and it's interesting to contemplate. and it's important for me to remember to savor the fleeting moments as they are happening. and to remember that there will be something more later that my heart is really longing for, and nothing in life can fulfill that type of longing or bring that type of fullness of joy, but i can choose to enjoy my life. the way it has been written for me to live. and smile when i think of the past. and smile while im living in the moment. and smile when i dream of the future. no more regrets.
