who knew such a tiny girl would bring about such massive changes in mine and my husband's life? i guess most people knew. youre supposed to know these things. taking care of another life is kind of a big deal. and such a tiny life that requires your undivided and immediate attention. all of this would be quite tolerable if the birthing and post part em ordeal was not so overwhelmingly difficult. having a baby would be such bliss if you didnt actually have to have the baby. at least i think so. it's just a little much that God would ask women to carry a baby nine months, push said baby out of their bodies, then be said babies sole source of food while she recovers slowly and painfully from pushing a baby out of her body! it's insanity. of course i know it is our lot, and there are also beautiful parts. like when the baby kicks you for the first time. and when she starts doing summersaults. and when she gets the hiccups and makes your belly noticeably bounce. and after you give birth life changes. in big ways. ways that are beautiful, but also impossible to catch up with. out of nowhere, and after a traumatic event like none other, you, the mother, are expected to do things you have no idea how to do and never have done before: instantly. you're expected to nurse her right away. this is a foreign yet seemingly efficient practice for a first time mother. and it is so vital. you have to figure it out. it doesnt work for everyone of course, and may still not work for me though we are making great strides in the right direction now. it is great to know that formula exists and is a great option for anyone who needs it. but either way this tiny baby needs you to feed her. often. and just like that your whole world is altered forever. instantly and forever.
my baby girl, Lilly, is so beautiful. i was worried she may look funny. i just imagined her getting the weirdest traits from each of us and looking so funny. instead she is so cute and everyone says so. not just me and my husband. she is also so sweet. she makes the cutest faces and is so soft and cuddly. ive never loved anyone like the way i love her. even though this is true, it has been unbelievably hard to become a mother. to have everything change.
the season changed since i have been mostly captive in my room. from summer to fall. i watched from my window as the last of the consecutively beautiful sunny days came and went. it was hard to watch them slip away knowing the cold winter was coming after a short fall. getting used to all the change while pent up alone in a room during the last of seattle's sunny days is a lot. and i did not do well at first. my delivery left me with wounds that really had me confined to my bed for a solid two weeks, and then mostly so since then. my biggest adventure so far has been short almost daily walks in the last week, and a trip to bent burger for my first beer on tap. it tasted like freedom.
amazingly during this time of healing and growing and being stretched and letting go, everyone helped us. our family, our community group, my co-workers/friends, our roommates, and many other friends. we have been humbled and convicted to do the same for others. we have been blessed. with an amazing community and a beautiful, precious little baby. we are blessed. i cant believe that this is my life now, and often times through out the day i have vivid memories of the past pop into my head like i am viewing a movie and i look back yearning for those times. and then i look down at my precious tiny baby girl, and i am floored that this baby is mine to take care of. to love and to cherish. i carried her in my womb as she was being knit together. and now i carry her in my arms as she grows. and because of her i am growing. the change that she brings is both necessary and something i was unprepared for. both beautiful and difficult.
alongside my tiny baby, i am growing. and it is a wonderful phenomena however painful the process.
