im a mother. all of the sudden. i am a mother. before this though, i was just erin. erin the human who wasnt a mother. and who wasnt efficient. and who wasnt organized. and who wasnt prompt. i was just erin. i was a friend. a good listener. i was interested in people; in helping however i could; in effecting change. i was also prone to laziness. interested in taking naps and watching tv. luckily i nixed my earlier habit of also eating my weight in cheese balls and coca cola, but i was still very interested in watching tv. i enjoyed simple things. but also sought adventure. community was important to me, but i also desired comfort. i loved seeing my favorite bands play live over and over. (thrice 10 times, mewithoutYou 10 times, all together separate 11 times, etc). i loved making people laugh, bringing people together, writing my thoughts down. i thought it was important to share what i had because Jesus said in the Bible to share what you have so that none have need. i thought everyone was connected because Paul said in the Bible that God made all from one blood. i didnt like to do hard or scary things, but i still did them. i road my bike across america and up the west coast because i felt pulled towards it. i loved sharing about organizations that were answering the call of Jesus to serve others. i went sky diving even though i am very scared of heights. i always felt drawn towards Africa, specifically Tanzania, Rwanda, Uganda, Swaziland, DRC, and Cameroon (shout out to donald baliaba if youre reading!) because i was scared of most things, i just did them despite my fear because i figured if i didnt do them, i would just sit around and watch tv and eat cheese balls all day everyday until maybe one day i would receive my fifteen minutes of fame for being on some TLC show about being so fat that you cant move. im serious.
when i got married i entertained the idea of having children from my body. before that i never thought i would do it. adoption, to me seemed like the only way. there are so many children awaiting families and i wanted to be their family. and i still do. badly. but i never thought i would do the pregnancy and childbirth thing. of course i was in on the idea when it came down to it because it seemed awesome for there to be a tiny version of my husband and i in the world. then as it all happened, it felt so much like an out of body experience. like, "how is this my life?" "how are these things happening to me?" it was very hard for me. very foreign. interesting. beautiful, yes. but, foreign. and beyond scary. as my pregnancy progressed i got more and more scared because i couldnt control how this baby would come out of me, all i knew is that she had to. and i wished and wished that could change somehow. that she could exist outside of me without me having to get her out. inevitably, she had to come out. and she did. and we all know how that went.
now she is 7 months old. and such an enormous joy. i cant believe she is mine to hold. this girl is hilarious. she is so curious. so strong. so stinkin cute. i am her mother. and i am so amazed by that. but guess what else? i am still erin. i am still all the things i was more than i can ever be all the things that are projected on me to be as a mother. i am an inefficient mother. dont feel bad for me. i dont mind. im just being honest with myself and with you. i'll try to grow of course. i'll listen to advice with a grain of salt, of course. but, as of yesterday, i decided i'll quit putting pressure on myself to somehow "grow up", or somehow be whatever others think a mother should be. and you know what i'll be instead?
i'll be erin.
and i think Lilly will enjoy erin as her mother. you know why? because we will laugh a lot at ourselves. because we will cry together. we will apologize together for our tardiness. (i am apologetic when my flaws effect others' lives negatively). and i guess that is why i was worried that i wasnt organized, creative, crafty, tech savvy, good at cooking or doing hair, or matching for my daughter. because i thought these were flaws and that she needed a mother who could do these things. but, then i realized these arent what makes a mother. they are just often the things we see mothers doing. and if i cannot do them, it's okay because i am a mother regardless of my proficiency in these areas. and that wont effect my daughter negatively. if she wants to learn one of these things, i'll try and learn with her. and/or i'll ask a friend to help teach her/us. and you know what i'll do no matter what my flaws or inefficiencies? i'll love Lilly with all my heart. every day. and i think she will know that, that is what a mother is. and that, to me is what matters.
