to change you need to...change.

the other day i day dreamt i was on a cliff side. a steep fall ahead of me. across the edge, just far enough away, was the other side. i could see it. the clean, disciplined version of myself. the pursuer of dreams. the reliable, humorous friend and worker. i could see the version of myself who couldnt sit idly by while years passed without direction or vision. while those around me continued writing their stories of redemption and hope; of justice, deliverance, and peace. across the edge of the cliff in front of me, i could see the version of myself whose legacy would be one of small (and even big) inspirations. inspiration to keep moving. inspiration to trust. to walk. to cope. to take risks. to act. across the edge of the cliff, just far enough away, was the other side. and to reach it, i could see i needed to jump off. i needed to fall and let myself be caught. i needed to take the rope set before me. and i needed to climb up to the other side. 

in order to change into who i saw across the edge i needed to jump, be caught, and climb. in order to change, i needed to change. 

oh the eb and flow that is learning and re-learning. growing, regressing, and re-growing.

i know i have been at this impasse before. it may seem silly, but it's a bit emotional for me. to jump off the edge is to loose comfort. to be caught is to trust in what i cannot see. to climb up the other side of the cliff is to work hard and let go of the comfort of complacency that i have become so ensnared in.

today, reluctantly, i am jumping. 

i am jumping because in the last few days a few key things have happened to inspire me. first, i read and saw many accounts of a woman some of my great friends knew: Lizzy. her story is heroic. and her life seemed to match up with her final heroic act: sacrificing her own life so that her unborn daughter could live. her legacy is just beginning, and it is already effecting people worldwide! i am inspired to action despite my day to day feelings by Lizzy's story. i am inspired to truly live out Phil. 2:3-4 by Lizzy's story :"let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others". because of her legacy, i am inspired to leave one of my own that is more than talk. one that is action.

second, people have been affirming me in small ways saying things like: they could see what i say being a stand up comedy routine, or what i say should be put on t shirts to be sold... which help remind me of unique gifts i was given (as we all were given unique gifts of our own). lastly, today i read this on a friends facebook status: "Women-keep pressing yourself more fully and express that to this world. Our world needs your beauty, your creativity, and your intelligence. I beg of you not to just be one fraction of a person, but the FULL array of who you are meant to be. Dont hold anything back!" (Layne Eiler). 

i dont want to hold anything back. i dont want to get lost in this big world, drowning in a sea of meaninglessness that is constant entertainment and technology and daydreaming and being someone youre not. i want to be the version of myself i see above me now- on the other side of the cliff. i want to "walk worthy of the calling with which [i was] called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace"- Ephesians 4:1-3, and want to remember that "we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them"- Ephesians 2:10, and that "He Himself gave some... for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ...that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ- from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every party does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love"-Ephesians 4:11-16. (boldness added). 

i want to do my share. i want to use my gifts to edify the body. i want to use them to make people laugh. to raise my daughter. to welcome people in. into my home. into my life. into the body of Christ. and i want to use my gifts to leave a legacy that is God glorifying, and that inspires action. 

i trust the One Who caught me when i jumped off the old end of myself today. 

if you need me, i'll be here making the slow climb up the other side... i never said i would climb fast; just that i would climb. 

i think we are going to miss it.

i have a sweet daughter. she is a toddler. she is infuriating. and adorable. and hilarious. ive never felt as much real joy as when i am with her. ive never felt more outside myself. never more sure of what matters in life. never more unsure of who i am, or where i am going. never more conflicted about use of time: the everyday, travel, or family visits. never more aware how fragile and fleeting moments are. never more sure that God exists and is present with us. never more exhausted or overwhelmed. never happier. (though i am a realist who says what i am feeling in all moments, so most people think i am most often unhappy. this is inaccurate. im just honest).

since before we got married my husband and i have discussed having kids. what a funny thing to discuss and decide on before we know what it will actually be like! (we all do it). he wanted more kids than me. he never considered adoption. all i wanted to do was adopt. we got married anyway. and im glad! (obviously). but, oh the talks we've had! disagreements all around. 

then...

our daughter. if you'd asked either of us the first two months of her life if we would have another, we would probably have yelled a resounding "NO!" at you before you even finished asking the question. i dont know if you know this, but babies starts smiling around 2 months. and this can capture your heart in ways you never thought possible. it can happen to moms and dads. it happens to a lot of moms. in our family, dan was the first to go. in the way that i mean anyway. (of course this girl had me at hello...or maybe just after hello ;) ) but SHE had me. not some other future baby. just HER. i am very stubborn about separating her from the world of babies. just because she got me, doesnt mean im ready for another. (and i may never be, but thanks for your opinion on the subject). 

more discussions ensued. more disagreements. more stubbornness (from me mostly). i had a traumatic birth, yes. that was one of the reasons for stubbornness. i think, give a girl time, you know? this is a big deal. also, realize staying at home as a mom means a lot (even if you go to a job also it means a lot to have a baby) because after youre pregnant forever, then you push this baby out of yourself (or it is removed another very painful way from your body), then your whole body is still enslaved to that baby!! nursing, no sleep, covered in spit up or poop, or both! not being able to eat certain foods that the baby cant handle. all. day. long. in my life anyway, my husband goes to work. he's gone 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. having a baby, or a second baby, is very different for him. it just is, you know? you get to keep your body, sir!!!! sounds luxurious to me. but, i get that the grass is greener. just saying my perspective is all. 

anyway, it's 1 year and 4 months later now. this girl has my heart. i cry thinking of another baby because i want to love her with my time, my money, my everything. i want her to have all of me. but, she loves babies. i mean loves. we went to see my friends two month old twins yesterday, and when she wined when i held one of the babies my friend thought it was because she was jealous. nope. it's because she loves babies. she wants that baby more than me, more than anything. and my husband. he is sweet. he is my best friend. no matter what problems or struggles we have had. we are best friends and we want what is best for each other. he is an excellent dad. seriously. you should see his joy when she is happy. when she dances. its beautiful to see. it's a picture of how God looks at us as His children. 

so here i am. my daughter wants a baby, my husband wants a baby. ok. i understand. i dont feel pressured. i feel like time has cured my stubbornness. my selfishness. i feel like God can redeem my birth experience. i trust that. i see the struggle of everyday motherhood. of toddlerhood. of parenthood. and since i have already entered into it, i think why not continue it? im sure the joy another child adds will supersede the everyday struggles in the early years. im sure we are going to miss it. these simple moments at home watching our child discover the world. watching them learn to smile, crawl, sit up, walk, dance, talk, love. i am sure we are going to miss it. so, let's do it. and let's enjoy those moments. let's laugh when they poop on us, and let's take a picture to remember the simpler times. when going to target alone was so much fun to us. when getting out of the house once a day was a victory, no matter where we went. when that cup of coffee was not only warmed up 5 times that morning, but still tasted like the sweet nectar of the gods because it got us through the day. it's all worth it. and i know that. 

(ps. we are still going to do foster to adopt one day. and we are not pregnant nor hoping to become pregnant soon. i have simply began to realize many important things about life which i am sharing with you, one of them being that children add to life. and i will try for another sometime).