i learned a new way to breathe.

people say im too hard on myself. and also that they are worried about me. and also that they are afraid I am mad. and that I lack confidence.

well I hear you. and I agree.

here's what I want to say.

I don't want to be like this.

I want to be a regular human. not a perfect human. just a regular one.

I think I am very aware. too aware maybe. which causes over analysis of myself and everyone/thing around me.

this is also mixed with a real desire to make sure everyone around me is happy. even if I am not happy. mixed also with a good amount of realization that life is short, and moves too quickly past us. and finally mixed with a good amount of fear. fear of change. death. loss. discomfort. etc... 

ive also got a faith. a real faith in a real God. who is big and intentional and gave me individuality and a skillset. I guess I want to separate what God made me to be out from what holds me back- what can and needs to change about who I started becoming. I think of sara groves' song- rewrite this tragedy- she says what I am thinking, "sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill. what of this makes us who we are. all that we love the most; all that we can not let go of; how much of change can we survive".

I think I used to be independent. always silly. always someone different. always asking for help, but trying myself first. more confident, and driven. but always closely knit to a friend group. always part of a team. I guess im sad I lost some of that.

but I can feel that God is bringing it back. I can tell He is putting me in situations where it's just Him and I and I press on through His strength. and He doesn't disappoint.

having a loving, intelligent, best friend as a husband is a blessing without question. but I think I lean on him too much. I think I collapse onto him. like for the last 3 years I just needed to rest. but he helped me get back on my feet. he helped sharpen me again.

and now I find myself again. ready to grow. to be changed. to face fears. to make mistakes and learn from them. to pray often and listen closely. to let go of who I see myself as, and to be who God created me to be. to trust His leading, and collapse onto Him while holding my best friend's hand. and even through the inevitable tears, press further and further on. always knowing that even if this life ends for me or for anyone I love, the life we experience in eternity is far greater than we can now fathom, and far longer than we will ever know. so everything is okay either way. because God is big and real and loves us.