just thinking these days. life slows down a bit as a stay at home mom (at least for me). it's busy too. hard to explain i guess. naps are quite long and yield to "freetime" as some call it. "chore time", alone time. well, i am an extrovert, and as nap schedules and an energetic baby become more of a priority, this mom spends less and less time extrovert..ing. life things are still happening though. marriage things. friendships. desires are still springing up in my heart. but, alas, i'm sitting alone waiting for my baby to wake up a lot of the day. thinking. wishing. dreaming. day dreaming. fantasizing other people's lives via facebook. my need for extraverting lends to laziness while alone. especially combined with all the thoughts in my head. instead of getting things done, i find myself watching tv to "getaway" as if this will somehow make things better. while it is a great way to relax once in a while (i think) i do not want it to be my go to. it increases my daydreaming. takes me further from reality.
i've gotten to hang out a few nights in big groups of friends recently. people. i need this. so, this is documentation to remind myself (and my sweet husband who understands) that i should do this regularly to get my extroverts out. i need this and i need dates with my husband. (we have been working on this). ive found there are things that i need that i wish i didnt need. like my friend said last night at happy hour, "i like the idea of not wanting gifts, but i do want gifts". In the same way, i like the idea of being simple and laid back not needing to ask much of my husband, but i need to ask some of my husband. i feel better when i do. i feel better when i go out with him, and when i go out with friends. it's how i recharge. life is not about me. i know. life is life. it's weird and it's point is highly debated. i am of the camp that life is a gift with an unknown end date that is given by a Kind and Loving Creator in order that we would love Him and others, making an impact on other lives as we go along. i like that life has meaning. but it doesnt mean i always live towards this. it doesnt mean i always feel happy. or even joy. but i do find that simple things are helping. reading His Word. honesty with myself and with my husband. prayer. music. and as mentioned above: going out with my husband, and with friends. also, games. also, waking up when my baby does and seeing her so happy.
then the big things that would help: going on a new adventure. whether short term or permanent. whether nearby or far (hopefully both). instead of holding my desires inside and not sharing them because i am embarrassed or ashamed that i desire them, ive decided i'll pray through them, then share them with my husband. after all, he is my partner in life. we chose each other to walk with. might as well keep up with each other, and enjoy the journey.
end random conglomerate of thoughts. happy wednesday :)
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
the inefficient mother.
im a mother. all of the sudden. i am a mother. before this though, i was just erin. erin the human who wasnt a mother. and who wasnt efficient. and who wasnt organized. and who wasnt prompt. i was just erin. i was a friend. a good listener. i was interested in people; in helping however i could; in effecting change. i was also prone to laziness. interested in taking naps and watching tv. luckily i nixed my earlier habit of also eating my weight in cheese balls and coca cola, but i was still very interested in watching tv. i enjoyed simple things. but also sought adventure. community was important to me, but i also desired comfort. i loved seeing my favorite bands play live over and over. (thrice 10 times, mewithoutYou 10 times, all together separate 11 times, etc). i loved making people laugh, bringing people together, writing my thoughts down. i thought it was important to share what i had because Jesus said in the Bible to share what you have so that none have need. i thought everyone was connected because Paul said in the Bible that God made all from one blood. i didnt like to do hard or scary things, but i still did them. i road my bike across america and up the west coast because i felt pulled towards it. i loved sharing about organizations that were answering the call of Jesus to serve others. i went sky diving even though i am very scared of heights. i always felt drawn towards Africa, specifically Tanzania, Rwanda, Uganda, Swaziland, DRC, and Cameroon (shout out to donald baliaba if youre reading!) because i was scared of most things, i just did them despite my fear because i figured if i didnt do them, i would just sit around and watch tv and eat cheese balls all day everyday until maybe one day i would receive my fifteen minutes of fame for being on some TLC show about being so fat that you cant move. im serious.
when i got married i entertained the idea of having children from my body. before that i never thought i would do it. adoption, to me seemed like the only way. there are so many children awaiting families and i wanted to be their family. and i still do. badly. but i never thought i would do the pregnancy and childbirth thing. of course i was in on the idea when it came down to it because it seemed awesome for there to be a tiny version of my husband and i in the world. then as it all happened, it felt so much like an out of body experience. like, "how is this my life?" "how are these things happening to me?" it was very hard for me. very foreign. interesting. beautiful, yes. but, foreign. and beyond scary. as my pregnancy progressed i got more and more scared because i couldnt control how this baby would come out of me, all i knew is that she had to. and i wished and wished that could change somehow. that she could exist outside of me without me having to get her out. inevitably, she had to come out. and she did. and we all know how that went.
now she is 7 months old. and such an enormous joy. i cant believe she is mine to hold. this girl is hilarious. she is so curious. so strong. so stinkin cute. i am her mother. and i am so amazed by that. but guess what else? i am still erin. i am still all the things i was more than i can ever be all the things that are projected on me to be as a mother. i am an inefficient mother. dont feel bad for me. i dont mind. im just being honest with myself and with you. i'll try to grow of course. i'll listen to advice with a grain of salt, of course. but, as of yesterday, i decided i'll quit putting pressure on myself to somehow "grow up", or somehow be whatever others think a mother should be. and you know what i'll be instead?
i'll be erin.
and i think Lilly will enjoy erin as her mother. you know why? because we will laugh a lot at ourselves. because we will cry together. we will apologize together for our tardiness. (i am apologetic when my flaws effect others' lives negatively). and i guess that is why i was worried that i wasnt organized, creative, crafty, tech savvy, good at cooking or doing hair, or matching for my daughter. because i thought these were flaws and that she needed a mother who could do these things. but, then i realized these arent what makes a mother. they are just often the things we see mothers doing. and if i cannot do them, it's okay because i am a mother regardless of my proficiency in these areas. and that wont effect my daughter negatively. if she wants to learn one of these things, i'll try and learn with her. and/or i'll ask a friend to help teach her/us. and you know what i'll do no matter what my flaws or inefficiencies? i'll love Lilly with all my heart. every day. and i think she will know that, that is what a mother is. and that, to me is what matters.
when i got married i entertained the idea of having children from my body. before that i never thought i would do it. adoption, to me seemed like the only way. there are so many children awaiting families and i wanted to be their family. and i still do. badly. but i never thought i would do the pregnancy and childbirth thing. of course i was in on the idea when it came down to it because it seemed awesome for there to be a tiny version of my husband and i in the world. then as it all happened, it felt so much like an out of body experience. like, "how is this my life?" "how are these things happening to me?" it was very hard for me. very foreign. interesting. beautiful, yes. but, foreign. and beyond scary. as my pregnancy progressed i got more and more scared because i couldnt control how this baby would come out of me, all i knew is that she had to. and i wished and wished that could change somehow. that she could exist outside of me without me having to get her out. inevitably, she had to come out. and she did. and we all know how that went.
now she is 7 months old. and such an enormous joy. i cant believe she is mine to hold. this girl is hilarious. she is so curious. so strong. so stinkin cute. i am her mother. and i am so amazed by that. but guess what else? i am still erin. i am still all the things i was more than i can ever be all the things that are projected on me to be as a mother. i am an inefficient mother. dont feel bad for me. i dont mind. im just being honest with myself and with you. i'll try to grow of course. i'll listen to advice with a grain of salt, of course. but, as of yesterday, i decided i'll quit putting pressure on myself to somehow "grow up", or somehow be whatever others think a mother should be. and you know what i'll be instead?
i'll be erin.
and i think Lilly will enjoy erin as her mother. you know why? because we will laugh a lot at ourselves. because we will cry together. we will apologize together for our tardiness. (i am apologetic when my flaws effect others' lives negatively). and i guess that is why i was worried that i wasnt organized, creative, crafty, tech savvy, good at cooking or doing hair, or matching for my daughter. because i thought these were flaws and that she needed a mother who could do these things. but, then i realized these arent what makes a mother. they are just often the things we see mothers doing. and if i cannot do them, it's okay because i am a mother regardless of my proficiency in these areas. and that wont effect my daughter negatively. if she wants to learn one of these things, i'll try and learn with her. and/or i'll ask a friend to help teach her/us. and you know what i'll do no matter what my flaws or inefficiencies? i'll love Lilly with all my heart. every day. and i think she will know that, that is what a mother is. and that, to me is what matters.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
what happend on september 7th and the following days.
it's been 5 months. i've needed to write this out, but it's hard to find the time. and it's hard to find the words.
let me tell you a story.
five months ago on september 7th, my due date, my water broke: a little. i didnt know for sure if it was my water. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. my back was hurting and i wondered if i was having contractions. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. i went to my midwives office and she checked me. my water had broken, and i was having contractions. small contractions. she said that i had 72 hours to go into labor before i would have to start trying natural induction strategies. dan thought that probably meant i wouldnt go into labor that day. i thought it probably meant i would. my midwife said go home, eat dinner, and get rest. so we went out to dinner at the oak, our favorite place to get a burger, went home, and watched 50 first dates in our bed (we briefly had our old tv in our room). towards the end i was getting very uncomfortable. luckily i had convinced dan to leave the plastic on our mattress in case i went into labor. because by the end of 50 first dates, i was in labor. i learned all these techniques for relaxation in our birth class. we practiced them. i didnt i remember any of them until after labor was over. i couldnt think or move. i couldnt relax. i couldnt even cry, or eat or walk around or bounce on a ball or get into the shower, or anything. i could yell, and that's what i did. my labor was short as far as labors are often concerned. so my doula later said she was afraid she might have to deliver her first baby because the midwife wasnt getting there and i was progressing so quickly! i know that when we called my midwife, i was having contractions 6 minutes apart...ish. then she said call back when they are 3 minutes are less apart. they were 3 minutes apart 10 minutes after our first call to her. so we called her again. and my doula told me later that she was secretly frantically texting my midwife to check on her whereabouts because she thought we would run out of time. my midwife got there on time, but definitely wasnt there long before i started to push. i dont know how long i pushed, but i remember the pain was mostly from how i was holding my body. so uncomfortable! i remember my midwife said i was doing great at not pushing too fast which made me think, "yes, maybe i wont tear so bad", and "what was i afraid of, this is not so bad". but then. Lilly's head was stuck, and my midwife said she needed to cut. Ah! she cut, and i tore. Lilly was presenting asynclitic. with her head tilted in a funny way which made for a rough exit. So, although she only weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces, I was left with some months of recovery that I wasn't expecting. People often describe the way they felt when they saw their baby for the first time as "the best moment of their life" or "so beautiful". I don't remember feeling those things, or anything really. Now I am quite confident that I was in shock. Trauma to my body took away those feelings, and that is unfortunate, but now I have those feelings every moment when I look at Lilly. She is so amazing. And I am so happy to be her mom.
But the story continues... with me, in shock, getting sown up. (just keepin it real here). While administering post birth shots of Pitocin because of bleeding, my midwife states, "Erin, I think I'll have to have you transferred to the hospital for repair, I want a second opinion on this tear so that you will heal well". Or something to that effect. "okay", I said. Shock. "can I have some orange juice? I remember they said I should drink orange juice after and try to walk around". "can I have some food too?" yes. My doula goes to get my juice and food. A burrito or mac n cheese? Mac and cheese. Dan can eat the burrito. Good thing he does because he wouldn't be eating for a while after that. Since Lilly was already born and healthy (thank God!), Swedish would not allow her to come with me unless I entered the hospital via the emergency room. Oh good! But it wasn't an emergency so we waited over and hour, maybe two? For the ambulance to come. They got there after my midwife had administered an I.V. , I had eaten a half toast with peanut butter, and before I could get my clothes on. One female. One male medic. Oh good. My doula helped me get a shirt on quickly and put on those awesome mesh underwear. The medics asked if I wanted to sit in their chair to go down my skinny houses two flights of stairs, or if I could walk. Hmmm. I hate both options. I can't sit or walk. So with the help of my midwife, my doula, and the medics, I army crawled backwards in my mesh underwear down two flights of stairs. Luckily, the stretcher was in my living room and they covered me up before I went outside to the ambulance. Dan got Lilly ready (oh happy first day baby!), and our bag packed up, and after 30 minutes of the two medics and Dan trying to get the carseat into the ambulance, we left for the hospital.
Admitting me to the emergency room took a while. One highlight was my midwife advocating that they don't poke me again but use my current I.V. port to draw blood and do a hospital I.V. through. (thanks Cindie, I needed a win). I remember joking around with people and trying to help myself cope. My midwife later said she admired that. I was just surviving. At some point they said we could have a post partum room and we could Move to it soon, so we did that. And at some point they told me that I could be put under for my surgery or that I could get a spinal tap and that they recommended a spinal tap because there are people who say anesthesia can get into the breast milk and maybe be bad for the baby. Okay. So I started sobbing. Dan, my midwife, and my doula surrounded me to pray. They said would not be so bad to get the anesthesia for this. I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please! I already did a natural birth, had shots, stitches, an i.v. that didn't want! I didn't get an epidural because I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please don't make me get one now that it's over! I chose anesthesia. Then surgery came. They wheeled me into pre op. Without letting me say goodbye, they stopped Lilly and everyone at door. They said she can't come in because she is a newborn (understandable, but please let this traumatized, emotional, brand freaking. New mom say bye to her baby before you take her away on her first day of life!) my midwife and doula took care of Lilly, and Dan came in with me. We cried together. He held my hand while they told me that I had to wait two more hours because of the half toast I after giving birth. I cried so hard. Why didn't I lie about eating!! I needed this ordeal to be over. We all did. Also I was SO TIRED AND SO HUNGRY. At some point they did let me go see Lilly for 45 minutes before surgery. I was glad to see her but having a hard time because of shock and exhaustion. Then they wheeled me back or surgery finally. (Lilly was born at 5:42am and it was now 2pm and I had labored from 9pm til she was born at 5:42am). There were a bunch of lady doctors surrounding me as they gave me anesthesia. I remember saying, "everything is going to be okay, right?" they said yes. Then I remember the lights, and waking up to their voices. They told me important sounding things that I couldn't retain. Then wheeled me to post op to wake up. The nurse came in to find me weeping. I asked her if I could please see my husband. She said no. No one is allowed I post op, and she left. I cried harder than I ever have. I don't know. I felt so alone. I needed a hug.
I was so happy to be back in the room wit Dan and Lilly. I remember then laying Lilly on me, my doula giving me a jimmy johns sandwich which I had been craving my whole pregnancy, and her ordering me some milkshakes which my friend Diana had raved about. I don't remember much else. Then the next day we got to go home. It was a relief, though due to silly things, I had to return to the emergency room via ambulance two days later. And what ensued next were many crazy (which is normal) days of getting used to a newborn, and realizing we weren't feeding her well, and engorgement, and blisters (you don't want to know). And me not sitting up again for almost 2months. I spent so many days in my bed. I ate and slept there like they do on TLC's my 600 pound life. I could barely make it to the bathroom, let alone downstairs (where the kitchen is). I needed help and so many amazing friends and family helped me. I am eternally grateful for each of you (you know who you are), and my midwife, Cindie, and my doula, Tiffany. God placed them in my life intentionally. They helped me through. Dan helped me through and I am eternally grateful for his patience, endurance, and support.
But I'm not okay with what happened. I don't know why it happened. And I don't want it to happen again. I needed to write this to help me process, and to say, birth is a big deal. I know it's not always so rough, but it is a big deal. And I don't think you really get it til you do it. I don't really have anything else to say about this. Except that I have some healing to do. And I could use prayer. Thanks for reading and being my friend.
Love,
Erin
let me tell you a story.
five months ago on september 7th, my due date, my water broke: a little. i didnt know for sure if it was my water. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. my back was hurting and i wondered if i was having contractions. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. i went to my midwives office and she checked me. my water had broken, and i was having contractions. small contractions. she said that i had 72 hours to go into labor before i would have to start trying natural induction strategies. dan thought that probably meant i wouldnt go into labor that day. i thought it probably meant i would. my midwife said go home, eat dinner, and get rest. so we went out to dinner at the oak, our favorite place to get a burger, went home, and watched 50 first dates in our bed (we briefly had our old tv in our room). towards the end i was getting very uncomfortable. luckily i had convinced dan to leave the plastic on our mattress in case i went into labor. because by the end of 50 first dates, i was in labor. i learned all these techniques for relaxation in our birth class. we practiced them. i didnt i remember any of them until after labor was over. i couldnt think or move. i couldnt relax. i couldnt even cry, or eat or walk around or bounce on a ball or get into the shower, or anything. i could yell, and that's what i did. my labor was short as far as labors are often concerned. so my doula later said she was afraid she might have to deliver her first baby because the midwife wasnt getting there and i was progressing so quickly! i know that when we called my midwife, i was having contractions 6 minutes apart...ish. then she said call back when they are 3 minutes are less apart. they were 3 minutes apart 10 minutes after our first call to her. so we called her again. and my doula told me later that she was secretly frantically texting my midwife to check on her whereabouts because she thought we would run out of time. my midwife got there on time, but definitely wasnt there long before i started to push. i dont know how long i pushed, but i remember the pain was mostly from how i was holding my body. so uncomfortable! i remember my midwife said i was doing great at not pushing too fast which made me think, "yes, maybe i wont tear so bad", and "what was i afraid of, this is not so bad". but then. Lilly's head was stuck, and my midwife said she needed to cut. Ah! she cut, and i tore. Lilly was presenting asynclitic. with her head tilted in a funny way which made for a rough exit. So, although she only weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces, I was left with some months of recovery that I wasn't expecting. People often describe the way they felt when they saw their baby for the first time as "the best moment of their life" or "so beautiful". I don't remember feeling those things, or anything really. Now I am quite confident that I was in shock. Trauma to my body took away those feelings, and that is unfortunate, but now I have those feelings every moment when I look at Lilly. She is so amazing. And I am so happy to be her mom.
But the story continues... with me, in shock, getting sown up. (just keepin it real here). While administering post birth shots of Pitocin because of bleeding, my midwife states, "Erin, I think I'll have to have you transferred to the hospital for repair, I want a second opinion on this tear so that you will heal well". Or something to that effect. "okay", I said. Shock. "can I have some orange juice? I remember they said I should drink orange juice after and try to walk around". "can I have some food too?" yes. My doula goes to get my juice and food. A burrito or mac n cheese? Mac and cheese. Dan can eat the burrito. Good thing he does because he wouldn't be eating for a while after that. Since Lilly was already born and healthy (thank God!), Swedish would not allow her to come with me unless I entered the hospital via the emergency room. Oh good! But it wasn't an emergency so we waited over and hour, maybe two? For the ambulance to come. They got there after my midwife had administered an I.V. , I had eaten a half toast with peanut butter, and before I could get my clothes on. One female. One male medic. Oh good. My doula helped me get a shirt on quickly and put on those awesome mesh underwear. The medics asked if I wanted to sit in their chair to go down my skinny houses two flights of stairs, or if I could walk. Hmmm. I hate both options. I can't sit or walk. So with the help of my midwife, my doula, and the medics, I army crawled backwards in my mesh underwear down two flights of stairs. Luckily, the stretcher was in my living room and they covered me up before I went outside to the ambulance. Dan got Lilly ready (oh happy first day baby!), and our bag packed up, and after 30 minutes of the two medics and Dan trying to get the carseat into the ambulance, we left for the hospital.
Admitting me to the emergency room took a while. One highlight was my midwife advocating that they don't poke me again but use my current I.V. port to draw blood and do a hospital I.V. through. (thanks Cindie, I needed a win). I remember joking around with people and trying to help myself cope. My midwife later said she admired that. I was just surviving. At some point they said we could have a post partum room and we could Move to it soon, so we did that. And at some point they told me that I could be put under for my surgery or that I could get a spinal tap and that they recommended a spinal tap because there are people who say anesthesia can get into the breast milk and maybe be bad for the baby. Okay. So I started sobbing. Dan, my midwife, and my doula surrounded me to pray. They said would not be so bad to get the anesthesia for this. I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please! I already did a natural birth, had shots, stitches, an i.v. that didn't want! I didn't get an epidural because I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please don't make me get one now that it's over! I chose anesthesia. Then surgery came. They wheeled me into pre op. Without letting me say goodbye, they stopped Lilly and everyone at door. They said she can't come in because she is a newborn (understandable, but please let this traumatized, emotional, brand freaking. New mom say bye to her baby before you take her away on her first day of life!) my midwife and doula took care of Lilly, and Dan came in with me. We cried together. He held my hand while they told me that I had to wait two more hours because of the half toast I after giving birth. I cried so hard. Why didn't I lie about eating!! I needed this ordeal to be over. We all did. Also I was SO TIRED AND SO HUNGRY. At some point they did let me go see Lilly for 45 minutes before surgery. I was glad to see her but having a hard time because of shock and exhaustion. Then they wheeled me back or surgery finally. (Lilly was born at 5:42am and it was now 2pm and I had labored from 9pm til she was born at 5:42am). There were a bunch of lady doctors surrounding me as they gave me anesthesia. I remember saying, "everything is going to be okay, right?" they said yes. Then I remember the lights, and waking up to their voices. They told me important sounding things that I couldn't retain. Then wheeled me to post op to wake up. The nurse came in to find me weeping. I asked her if I could please see my husband. She said no. No one is allowed I post op, and she left. I cried harder than I ever have. I don't know. I felt so alone. I needed a hug.
I was so happy to be back in the room wit Dan and Lilly. I remember then laying Lilly on me, my doula giving me a jimmy johns sandwich which I had been craving my whole pregnancy, and her ordering me some milkshakes which my friend Diana had raved about. I don't remember much else. Then the next day we got to go home. It was a relief, though due to silly things, I had to return to the emergency room via ambulance two days later. And what ensued next were many crazy (which is normal) days of getting used to a newborn, and realizing we weren't feeding her well, and engorgement, and blisters (you don't want to know). And me not sitting up again for almost 2months. I spent so many days in my bed. I ate and slept there like they do on TLC's my 600 pound life. I could barely make it to the bathroom, let alone downstairs (where the kitchen is). I needed help and so many amazing friends and family helped me. I am eternally grateful for each of you (you know who you are), and my midwife, Cindie, and my doula, Tiffany. God placed them in my life intentionally. They helped me through. Dan helped me through and I am eternally grateful for his patience, endurance, and support.
But I'm not okay with what happened. I don't know why it happened. And I don't want it to happen again. I needed to write this to help me process, and to say, birth is a big deal. I know it's not always so rough, but it is a big deal. And I don't think you really get it til you do it. I don't really have anything else to say about this. Except that I have some healing to do. And I could use prayer. Thanks for reading and being my friend.
Love,
Erin
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