instead of unemployment, let's talk about never starting.

people often talk about unemployment. especially in this economy. the hard place it is to be just after loosing a job you have for months or years. the job you had as your career, and then lost. the job you thought you would always do; the place you thought you would always be.

what i want to talk about comes before this loss. what i want to talk about is never starting. never knowing what you would do or be. never getting the job. 

im not trying to complain or sound angry. i dont feel angry or ungrateful. i just feel like many people dont know about this possibility (some people definitely do, but sometimes it feels like i am alone in this). many people have never felt the things i am feeling. or been in the moment i have been in so often. the moment where they tell you you didnt get the job. the moment where you knew they were going to tell you that. i want to talk about this uncommon place, and that moment. and the feeling i feel: confusion. 

not that i am confused about why the other people get the job. but confusion about what i am doing in the first place. where do i fall in the story. where am i going and is it an efficient use of my time? how often i am mostly lazy. what i spend my days doing and if that's okay or what i should try to do next.

what i am talking about is life and it's ambiguity and it's uncertainty.  

i went to college because i wanted to know more about the Bible and for the social aspect of college. i love people. i love meeting new people and learning about who they are and building community. when asked the question where do you thrive, i always answer this way; wherever there are people to get to know and to build community with. i thrived in college. i thrived in Rwanda, Africa. i thrived at blood:water mission. I thrived on the Ride:Well Bike tours. i thrive in leadership roles. i thrive in being a helper to my husband. i thrive at world relief.

and what do i do with this? that's the confusing part. 

i realize that success (as far as "the american dream" is concerned) is so silly. and so unrelated to life as God had planned for us. and so i no longer consciously struggle with not being "successful". i dont think i unconsciously struggle with it either, but sometimes you cant tell i guess. what i struggle with is something else that is hard to define really. it comes in two parts as i start to unpack it. 

what am i doing wrong and what am i not realizing i should or could be doing, and not doing.

confused yet? me too. 

the struggle is in not knowing. which is true for all of life. the problem is it looks like some people do know and are doing things that are obviously useful and/or in tune with their skills or passions. 

you could argue that i am doing things that are useful and in tune with my skills and passions, but do i continue with what i am doing or look for something else in the spirit of finding the other things i may be more useful in doing. 

and i think this because i used to think i was moving to africa. and i never did. i used to think i was going to write a book. and i never did. and at the same time, i never thought i would ride a bicycle across america. and i did. i never thought i would lead another team riding bicycles up the west coast. and i did. i never thought i would live in nashville with my best friend hope. and i did. and i never never thought i would marry such a wonderful, precious man. and i did. 

so what do i do with that? that's the second confusing part. but feels more hopeful. and still unknown. uncertain.

i think the answer is prayer. since God is all knowing and will guide me on this path if i look to Him. i often find myself looking to myself instead, as if that makes any sense. i guess it just feels easier. more accessible  but i think that's only because i can see myself. and even though God is always there, i cant see Him with my eyes, so i talk to myself instead. and that is confusing.