when i grow up i want to be...someone else

i guess the whirlwind started on november 13, 2009. it was a carefree fall morning. crisp, sunny, hopeful. the day my stepdad died. i recounted the moments just this morning with a friend and the tears came again. not the way they did the morning of november 13th, but they still came. since his death was sudden, there was no time to think. i departed for phoenix just as soon as the next flight would leave nashville. there was only time for asking my roommate for help to construct a black outfit for the upcoming funeral in phoenix. i needed shoes. i didnt have the right shoes.

the day before this, november 12th, i was at my internship at mocha club in nashville sleepily inputting data into their accounts regarding their supporting artists when i got the call from venture expeditions that i had been accepted to lead the ride:well bike tour the next summer from san diego to seattle for blood:water mission. i was ecstatic. i needed out of the waitressing buis. stat. and this would be something wonderful to look forward to; to train for; to dream about.

november 13th came suddenly with it's news that would quench my exciting news of leading the trip. i had planned on sharing it during my visit to the blood:water office this day, and to my family later; my dad and step mom, my mom and step dad. in this new crisp fall moment when i got the unexpected call from my dad that clay was gone, everything was different. uncontrollably crying i rode the plane 5 hours before reaching phoenix. i have no memory now of who picked me up from the airport, only the memory of when i first saw my mom. our hug lasted what felt like hours as our hearts melted together at the thought of this loss.

i stayed in phoenix through thanksgiving living what didnt feel like life next to my mom and their dog eddie. after the visitors stopped being so frequent we spent our time sitting staring blankly at the many shows on tv we could record and stare at again. i reminded her to eat. and we made a plan for the funeral and for after. i flew back to nashville for just 2 weeks to wrap things up and pack. my mom came december 15th and we drove back to phoenix all my belongings packed away in duffle bags in my car. the radio broke. dang. we had some laughs, some fruitful talks.

i lived with her in their apartment. the apartment where my step dad died. for the next 7 months. we tried to work through the grief together. my mom went to counseling. it was a beautiful time walking through this pain with her. i truly admire and love my mom. and still experience grief for her; that she would have to go through this.

in june 2010 my training paid off when the bike tour started and i could actually ride:well (unlike the first time in 2008 when i would say that i barely:rode). i remember as soon as i met dan perkins i started cracking jokes at him. making fun of him for being slower than another guy at putting his bike together (i dont even know how to put a bike together), and silly things like that. our team was very tight knit and i really loved everyone, but i noticed early on that this dan perkins was a notch above me on the being a good bike rider scale yet still always around me. waiting for me for hours at some rest stops so we could ride together. conveniently explaining those times away saying he was "tired" or "felt like reading a while" before finishing our 100 mile day. he definitely was interested in me.

our first date was at midnight at dennys in phoenix on july 29, 2010 when dan flew in from seattle to visit me for the first time. we shared lovely moments, making memories together while we dated. he would visit a few more times before i would move to seattle. i was lost in his friendship, but also craving what i felt i had lost in nashville. i wanted to move back. i felt my time there was cut short. what i didnt realize was everything was different there anyway. i wouldnt be going back to the same life i had left.

after a short break up and much consideration, i moved to seattle on september 27, 2010. dan flew down to california where i had driven from phoenix to meet up with me and drive me up to seattle, all my belongings in duffle bags in my car. the radio was fixed. :) we video taped our adventure and had a lot of hope. i think it was after this that i started losing mine.

living in a house with 6 other girls i hadnt ever met in a cloudy town i didnt know away from everyone i loved except for dan, i shriveled down into someone else. a person who became quickly unrecognizable to me and to dan. i became uncontrolably clingy, needy, irrational. i started having trouble being alone, and even more trouble not being with dan. i lost hold of the grip i had around my loving Father, God. i lost hold of movement. i fell into the whirlwind that began on november 13, 2009. everything was moving to fast for my brain to connect to. my heart and my faith got caught up in in too.

dan came very close to breaking up with me. i came very close to a nervous break down. we pushed through it. for some reason dan still wanted to marry me. i think of this as a miracle of God's grace. our wedding was unbelievable. a beautiful expression of God's love for each of us; to let us be united as one in Him. everyone cried. there was a lot of genuine joy.

for the first 3 months of marriage after the honeymoon (which was wonderful), we felt stuck. not stuck as in this is terrible, but stuck as in- how do we deal with being one with another person who is so different from us. and for me i felt the weight of my continued identity issues. my head knowledge reminded me, my identity is in Christ who cannot be moved, who cannot be replaced with anything better; there is no one, nothing better. i know. and i knew then too. still the feelings in my heart were real. strong and overpowering. i spent the majority of my days in tears while dan went to work. wishing that reality was different than it was. wishing that i could spend my days with my best friend (dan) instead of alone.

God was near us during this time and answered our cry for help by breaking our hearts for each other, giving us each grace to pour out to the other. giving us hope and a reminder to be near to Him as He is not far from each one of us. the foundation was set and we felt stronger because He became our strength.

but life continues on and some parts feel too hard. and some days feel too long. and some hope feels too far away. and i started getting into thought processes that breed discontentment, discouragement, and ideas that i wish i was someone else. i guess because during the whirlwind i lost who i was. though the foundation is Christ. though i am redeemed. the rest of life moves around in dizzying circles and my mind trails off of truth and my heart sinks into despair.

my prayer is for the whirlwind to still. for my heart to feel the peace of God which my head knowledge tells me surpasses all understanding, and for my hope to be grounded again and always in Christ who cannot be moved.

today is Good Friday. the day we remember that our Savior suffered long and hard on the cross to save us from all unrighteousness. that with His death died all my sins. all of our sins. and i am reminded of the new life He died to give us. to give me. and i dont want my heart to despair any longer. because He died to set me free. i want to live free and hopeful. to stand in His strength and be who He created me to be. who i always have been, only refined as He sees fit in each season.

i am Erin Lee McDermott Perkins. child of God. and today i hope in Christ. and on sunday i will celebrate that He is alive.

and so am i.