i learned a new way to breathe.

people say im too hard on myself. and also that they are worried about me. and also that they are afraid I am mad. and that I lack confidence.

well I hear you. and I agree.

here's what I want to say.

I don't want to be like this.

I want to be a regular human. not a perfect human. just a regular one.

I think I am very aware. too aware maybe. which causes over analysis of myself and everyone/thing around me.

this is also mixed with a real desire to make sure everyone around me is happy. even if I am not happy. mixed also with a good amount of realization that life is short, and moves too quickly past us. and finally mixed with a good amount of fear. fear of change. death. loss. discomfort. etc... 

ive also got a faith. a real faith in a real God. who is big and intentional and gave me individuality and a skillset. I guess I want to separate what God made me to be out from what holds me back- what can and needs to change about who I started becoming. I think of sara groves' song- rewrite this tragedy- she says what I am thinking, "sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill. what of this makes us who we are. all that we love the most; all that we can not let go of; how much of change can we survive".

I think I used to be independent. always silly. always someone different. always asking for help, but trying myself first. more confident, and driven. but always closely knit to a friend group. always part of a team. I guess im sad I lost some of that.

but I can feel that God is bringing it back. I can tell He is putting me in situations where it's just Him and I and I press on through His strength. and He doesn't disappoint.

having a loving, intelligent, best friend as a husband is a blessing without question. but I think I lean on him too much. I think I collapse onto him. like for the last 3 years I just needed to rest. but he helped me get back on my feet. he helped sharpen me again.

and now I find myself again. ready to grow. to be changed. to face fears. to make mistakes and learn from them. to pray often and listen closely. to let go of who I see myself as, and to be who God created me to be. to trust His leading, and collapse onto Him while holding my best friend's hand. and even through the inevitable tears, press further and further on. always knowing that even if this life ends for me or for anyone I love, the life we experience in eternity is far greater than we can now fathom, and far longer than we will ever know. so everything is okay either way. because God is big and real and loves us.

precious moments.

i've just been thinking lately: life is so weird. it's this amount of time which is different for everyone, where we are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. it's like all of us are hoping for, even waiting for something more. even if we dont know what or why. i believe there is more to hope for; that there is something we are waiting for while we fill our time on earth. there is something more; it's a place we cannot now understand filled with the presence of God in such a huge capacity; a hugeness of which we cannot now know; it's a place He is preparing for those who love Him. it sounds crazy to some because it is not something we can imagine or comprehend. but i believe we were made for that other place. the place where God is. a place outside of time, free from pain, sorrow, and oppression. a place full of only complete joy and freedom.

and now as we live, we walk blindly, trusting in ourselves or in God, or at times in one or the Other. we only have speculations of where we are going and how long we will be there. nothing is certain. each day passes leaving us with only a memory of a past we can't get back, welcoming us into an uncomfortable present- a place i find the most difficulty enjoying in it's vaporous moments. i wish it away before i feel all of it's possible joy, hoping for adventure, freedom, a more satisfying future. a future that makes me feel like i did in the past. 

and I've been thinking those vaporous moments, this vaporous moment, is precious. it is unlike any other moment i will ever or have ever experienced. it is a vapor. and if i dont enjoy it thoroughly as it is happening, if i complain and mope through it, wont i then miss it even more once it is gone? maybe deep down it's regret that makes me long for the past. because i wish i could go back and enjoy it the way my vivid memories encourage that i should have initially done.

one thing that's true is at any moment we could be having our last moment in this life. but something even more important is the choices we make in each of our moments. the choice to enjoy ourselves free from worry or pressure or fear of man or fear of death. the choice to trust. to keep moving. to take risks. to laugh heartily. to bring comfort. to bring hope. to offer a hand. to offer the shirt of your back. to stand up for what is right. to encourage. to ride on despite difficulties or pain. then those moments, as they become memories, will fill us with such thankfulness because they were enjoyed as thoroughly as possible, and they were too precious to be recreated. so no attempt is necessary. 

and also there is so much that some people do and others dont. and i have been thinking about how that happens. how our choices that matter as we live these fleeting moments also include what to do with ourselves. all of us choose something a little bit different, dont we? and it's not just about our jobs (i mean your reading something by me, and i dont have a job), it's about everything else too. do we follow Jesus or buddha, or Allah, or ourselves. who do we spend our time with? where do we live? do we ever own a house? do we ever get married? do we ever visit Europe or Australia or Africa or America? do our moments end as a child or do they end at age 100? can we have kids? do we adopt? what tragedy do we experience? what do we fight for? what do we stand for? how do we spend our moments? some of these questions are things that happen to us, not things we choose, and how do we reconcile those times with what we believe, or with joy? and how do we move forward? and who do we lean on?

even though i am having these thoughts and trying to articulate them correctly, i want to say that i'm happy. im happy when i think back on memories of moments lived fully in college, at ponderosa pines christian camp, in rwanda, on the 2008 ride:well tour, in nashville, in phoenix, on the 2010 ride:well tour, in seattle, at my wedding, in my marriage to my best friend, and each vivid moment's memory with friends and family. but i've just thinking of how each of us walks a path that is slightly or completely different and it's interesting to contemplate. and it's important for me to remember to savor the fleeting moments as they are happening. and to remember that there will be something more later that my heart is really longing for, and nothing in life can fulfill that type of longing or bring that type of fullness of joy, but i can choose to enjoy my life. the way it has been written for me to live. and smile when i think of the past. and smile while im living in the moment. and smile when i dream of the future. no more regrets. 

when i grow up i want to be...someone else

i guess the whirlwind started on november 13, 2009. it was a carefree fall morning. crisp, sunny, hopeful. the day my stepdad died. i recounted the moments just this morning with a friend and the tears came again. not the way they did the morning of november 13th, but they still came. since his death was sudden, there was no time to think. i departed for phoenix just as soon as the next flight would leave nashville. there was only time for asking my roommate for help to construct a black outfit for the upcoming funeral in phoenix. i needed shoes. i didnt have the right shoes.

the day before this, november 12th, i was at my internship at mocha club in nashville sleepily inputting data into their accounts regarding their supporting artists when i got the call from venture expeditions that i had been accepted to lead the ride:well bike tour the next summer from san diego to seattle for blood:water mission. i was ecstatic. i needed out of the waitressing buis. stat. and this would be something wonderful to look forward to; to train for; to dream about.

november 13th came suddenly with it's news that would quench my exciting news of leading the trip. i had planned on sharing it during my visit to the blood:water office this day, and to my family later; my dad and step mom, my mom and step dad. in this new crisp fall moment when i got the unexpected call from my dad that clay was gone, everything was different. uncontrollably crying i rode the plane 5 hours before reaching phoenix. i have no memory now of who picked me up from the airport, only the memory of when i first saw my mom. our hug lasted what felt like hours as our hearts melted together at the thought of this loss.

i stayed in phoenix through thanksgiving living what didnt feel like life next to my mom and their dog eddie. after the visitors stopped being so frequent we spent our time sitting staring blankly at the many shows on tv we could record and stare at again. i reminded her to eat. and we made a plan for the funeral and for after. i flew back to nashville for just 2 weeks to wrap things up and pack. my mom came december 15th and we drove back to phoenix all my belongings packed away in duffle bags in my car. the radio broke. dang. we had some laughs, some fruitful talks.

i lived with her in their apartment. the apartment where my step dad died. for the next 7 months. we tried to work through the grief together. my mom went to counseling. it was a beautiful time walking through this pain with her. i truly admire and love my mom. and still experience grief for her; that she would have to go through this.

in june 2010 my training paid off when the bike tour started and i could actually ride:well (unlike the first time in 2008 when i would say that i barely:rode). i remember as soon as i met dan perkins i started cracking jokes at him. making fun of him for being slower than another guy at putting his bike together (i dont even know how to put a bike together), and silly things like that. our team was very tight knit and i really loved everyone, but i noticed early on that this dan perkins was a notch above me on the being a good bike rider scale yet still always around me. waiting for me for hours at some rest stops so we could ride together. conveniently explaining those times away saying he was "tired" or "felt like reading a while" before finishing our 100 mile day. he definitely was interested in me.

our first date was at midnight at dennys in phoenix on july 29, 2010 when dan flew in from seattle to visit me for the first time. we shared lovely moments, making memories together while we dated. he would visit a few more times before i would move to seattle. i was lost in his friendship, but also craving what i felt i had lost in nashville. i wanted to move back. i felt my time there was cut short. what i didnt realize was everything was different there anyway. i wouldnt be going back to the same life i had left.

after a short break up and much consideration, i moved to seattle on september 27, 2010. dan flew down to california where i had driven from phoenix to meet up with me and drive me up to seattle, all my belongings in duffle bags in my car. the radio was fixed. :) we video taped our adventure and had a lot of hope. i think it was after this that i started losing mine.

living in a house with 6 other girls i hadnt ever met in a cloudy town i didnt know away from everyone i loved except for dan, i shriveled down into someone else. a person who became quickly unrecognizable to me and to dan. i became uncontrolably clingy, needy, irrational. i started having trouble being alone, and even more trouble not being with dan. i lost hold of the grip i had around my loving Father, God. i lost hold of movement. i fell into the whirlwind that began on november 13, 2009. everything was moving to fast for my brain to connect to. my heart and my faith got caught up in in too.

dan came very close to breaking up with me. i came very close to a nervous break down. we pushed through it. for some reason dan still wanted to marry me. i think of this as a miracle of God's grace. our wedding was unbelievable. a beautiful expression of God's love for each of us; to let us be united as one in Him. everyone cried. there was a lot of genuine joy.

for the first 3 months of marriage after the honeymoon (which was wonderful), we felt stuck. not stuck as in this is terrible, but stuck as in- how do we deal with being one with another person who is so different from us. and for me i felt the weight of my continued identity issues. my head knowledge reminded me, my identity is in Christ who cannot be moved, who cannot be replaced with anything better; there is no one, nothing better. i know. and i knew then too. still the feelings in my heart were real. strong and overpowering. i spent the majority of my days in tears while dan went to work. wishing that reality was different than it was. wishing that i could spend my days with my best friend (dan) instead of alone.

God was near us during this time and answered our cry for help by breaking our hearts for each other, giving us each grace to pour out to the other. giving us hope and a reminder to be near to Him as He is not far from each one of us. the foundation was set and we felt stronger because He became our strength.

but life continues on and some parts feel too hard. and some days feel too long. and some hope feels too far away. and i started getting into thought processes that breed discontentment, discouragement, and ideas that i wish i was someone else. i guess because during the whirlwind i lost who i was. though the foundation is Christ. though i am redeemed. the rest of life moves around in dizzying circles and my mind trails off of truth and my heart sinks into despair.

my prayer is for the whirlwind to still. for my heart to feel the peace of God which my head knowledge tells me surpasses all understanding, and for my hope to be grounded again and always in Christ who cannot be moved.

today is Good Friday. the day we remember that our Savior suffered long and hard on the cross to save us from all unrighteousness. that with His death died all my sins. all of our sins. and i am reminded of the new life He died to give us. to give me. and i dont want my heart to despair any longer. because He died to set me free. i want to live free and hopeful. to stand in His strength and be who He created me to be. who i always have been, only refined as He sees fit in each season.

i am Erin Lee McDermott Perkins. child of God. and today i hope in Christ. and on sunday i will celebrate that He is alive.

and so am i.