tiny baby. big change.

who knew such a tiny girl would bring about such massive changes in mine and my husband's life? i guess most people knew. youre supposed to know these things. taking care of another life is kind of a big deal. and such a tiny life that requires your undivided and immediate attention. all of this would be quite tolerable if the birthing and post part em ordeal was not so overwhelmingly difficult. having a baby would be such bliss if you didnt actually have to have the baby. at least i think so. it's just a little much that God would ask women to carry a baby nine months, push said baby out of their bodies, then be said babies sole source of food while she recovers slowly and painfully from pushing a baby out of her body! it's insanity. of course i know it is our lot, and there are also beautiful parts. like when the baby kicks you for the first time. and when she starts doing summersaults. and when she gets the hiccups and makes your belly noticeably bounce. and after you give birth life changes. in big ways. ways that are beautiful, but also impossible to catch up with. out of nowhere, and after a traumatic event like none other, you, the mother, are expected to do things you have no idea how to do and never have done before: instantly. you're expected to nurse her right away. this is a foreign yet seemingly efficient practice for a first time mother. and it is so vital. you have to figure it out. it doesnt work for everyone of course, and may still not work for me though we are making great strides in the right direction now. it is great to know that formula exists and is a great option for anyone who needs it. but either way this tiny baby needs you to feed her. often. and just like that your whole world is altered forever. instantly and forever.

my baby girl, Lilly, is so beautiful. i was worried she may look funny. i just imagined her getting the weirdest traits from each of us and looking so funny. instead she is so cute and everyone says so. not just me and my husband. she is also so sweet. she makes the cutest faces and is so soft and cuddly. ive never loved anyone like the way i love her. even though this is true, it has been unbelievably hard to become a mother. to have everything change.

the season changed since i have been mostly captive in my room. from summer to fall. i watched from my window as the last of the consecutively beautiful sunny days came and went. it was hard to watch them slip away knowing the cold winter was coming after a short fall. getting used to all the change while pent up alone in a room during the last of seattle's sunny days is a lot. and i did not do well at first. my delivery left me with wounds that really had me confined to my bed for a solid two weeks, and then mostly so since then. my biggest adventure so far  has been short almost daily walks in the last week, and a trip to bent burger for my first beer on tap. it tasted like freedom.

amazingly during this time of healing and growing and being stretched and letting go, everyone helped us. our family, our community group, my co-workers/friends, our roommates, and many other friends. we have been humbled and convicted to do the same for others. we have been blessed. with an amazing community and a beautiful, precious little baby. we are blessed. i cant believe that this is my life now, and often times through out the day i have vivid memories of the past pop into my head like i am viewing a movie and i look back yearning for those times. and then i look down at my precious tiny baby girl, and i am floored that this baby is mine to take care of. to love and to cherish. i carried her in my womb as she was being knit together. and now i carry her in my arms as she grows. and because of her i am growing. the change that she brings is both necessary and something i was unprepared for. both beautiful and difficult.

alongside my tiny baby, i am growing. and it is a wonderful phenomena however painful the process.

i learned a new way to breathe.

people say im too hard on myself. and also that they are worried about me. and also that they are afraid I am mad. and that I lack confidence.

well I hear you. and I agree.

here's what I want to say.

I don't want to be like this.

I want to be a regular human. not a perfect human. just a regular one.

I think I am very aware. too aware maybe. which causes over analysis of myself and everyone/thing around me.

this is also mixed with a real desire to make sure everyone around me is happy. even if I am not happy. mixed also with a good amount of realization that life is short, and moves too quickly past us. and finally mixed with a good amount of fear. fear of change. death. loss. discomfort. etc... 

ive also got a faith. a real faith in a real God. who is big and intentional and gave me individuality and a skillset. I guess I want to separate what God made me to be out from what holds me back- what can and needs to change about who I started becoming. I think of sara groves' song- rewrite this tragedy- she says what I am thinking, "sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill. what of this makes us who we are. all that we love the most; all that we can not let go of; how much of change can we survive".

I think I used to be independent. always silly. always someone different. always asking for help, but trying myself first. more confident, and driven. but always closely knit to a friend group. always part of a team. I guess im sad I lost some of that.

but I can feel that God is bringing it back. I can tell He is putting me in situations where it's just Him and I and I press on through His strength. and He doesn't disappoint.

having a loving, intelligent, best friend as a husband is a blessing without question. but I think I lean on him too much. I think I collapse onto him. like for the last 3 years I just needed to rest. but he helped me get back on my feet. he helped sharpen me again.

and now I find myself again. ready to grow. to be changed. to face fears. to make mistakes and learn from them. to pray often and listen closely. to let go of who I see myself as, and to be who God created me to be. to trust His leading, and collapse onto Him while holding my best friend's hand. and even through the inevitable tears, press further and further on. always knowing that even if this life ends for me or for anyone I love, the life we experience in eternity is far greater than we can now fathom, and far longer than we will ever know. so everything is okay either way. because God is big and real and loves us.

precious moments.

i've just been thinking lately: life is so weird. it's this amount of time which is different for everyone, where we are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. it's like all of us are hoping for, even waiting for something more. even if we dont know what or why. i believe there is more to hope for; that there is something we are waiting for while we fill our time on earth. there is something more; it's a place we cannot now understand filled with the presence of God in such a huge capacity; a hugeness of which we cannot now know; it's a place He is preparing for those who love Him. it sounds crazy to some because it is not something we can imagine or comprehend. but i believe we were made for that other place. the place where God is. a place outside of time, free from pain, sorrow, and oppression. a place full of only complete joy and freedom.

and now as we live, we walk blindly, trusting in ourselves or in God, or at times in one or the Other. we only have speculations of where we are going and how long we will be there. nothing is certain. each day passes leaving us with only a memory of a past we can't get back, welcoming us into an uncomfortable present- a place i find the most difficulty enjoying in it's vaporous moments. i wish it away before i feel all of it's possible joy, hoping for adventure, freedom, a more satisfying future. a future that makes me feel like i did in the past. 

and I've been thinking those vaporous moments, this vaporous moment, is precious. it is unlike any other moment i will ever or have ever experienced. it is a vapor. and if i dont enjoy it thoroughly as it is happening, if i complain and mope through it, wont i then miss it even more once it is gone? maybe deep down it's regret that makes me long for the past. because i wish i could go back and enjoy it the way my vivid memories encourage that i should have initially done.

one thing that's true is at any moment we could be having our last moment in this life. but something even more important is the choices we make in each of our moments. the choice to enjoy ourselves free from worry or pressure or fear of man or fear of death. the choice to trust. to keep moving. to take risks. to laugh heartily. to bring comfort. to bring hope. to offer a hand. to offer the shirt of your back. to stand up for what is right. to encourage. to ride on despite difficulties or pain. then those moments, as they become memories, will fill us with such thankfulness because they were enjoyed as thoroughly as possible, and they were too precious to be recreated. so no attempt is necessary. 

and also there is so much that some people do and others dont. and i have been thinking about how that happens. how our choices that matter as we live these fleeting moments also include what to do with ourselves. all of us choose something a little bit different, dont we? and it's not just about our jobs (i mean your reading something by me, and i dont have a job), it's about everything else too. do we follow Jesus or buddha, or Allah, or ourselves. who do we spend our time with? where do we live? do we ever own a house? do we ever get married? do we ever visit Europe or Australia or Africa or America? do our moments end as a child or do they end at age 100? can we have kids? do we adopt? what tragedy do we experience? what do we fight for? what do we stand for? how do we spend our moments? some of these questions are things that happen to us, not things we choose, and how do we reconcile those times with what we believe, or with joy? and how do we move forward? and who do we lean on?

even though i am having these thoughts and trying to articulate them correctly, i want to say that i'm happy. im happy when i think back on memories of moments lived fully in college, at ponderosa pines christian camp, in rwanda, on the 2008 ride:well tour, in nashville, in phoenix, on the 2010 ride:well tour, in seattle, at my wedding, in my marriage to my best friend, and each vivid moment's memory with friends and family. but i've just thinking of how each of us walks a path that is slightly or completely different and it's interesting to contemplate. and it's important for me to remember to savor the fleeting moments as they are happening. and to remember that there will be something more later that my heart is really longing for, and nothing in life can fulfill that type of longing or bring that type of fullness of joy, but i can choose to enjoy my life. the way it has been written for me to live. and smile when i think of the past. and smile while im living in the moment. and smile when i dream of the future. no more regrets. 

when i grow up i want to be...someone else

i guess the whirlwind started on november 13, 2009. it was a carefree fall morning. crisp, sunny, hopeful. the day my stepdad died. i recounted the moments just this morning with a friend and the tears came again. not the way they did the morning of november 13th, but they still came. since his death was sudden, there was no time to think. i departed for phoenix just as soon as the next flight would leave nashville. there was only time for asking my roommate for help to construct a black outfit for the upcoming funeral in phoenix. i needed shoes. i didnt have the right shoes.

the day before this, november 12th, i was at my internship at mocha club in nashville sleepily inputting data into their accounts regarding their supporting artists when i got the call from venture expeditions that i had been accepted to lead the ride:well bike tour the next summer from san diego to seattle for blood:water mission. i was ecstatic. i needed out of the waitressing buis. stat. and this would be something wonderful to look forward to; to train for; to dream about.

november 13th came suddenly with it's news that would quench my exciting news of leading the trip. i had planned on sharing it during my visit to the blood:water office this day, and to my family later; my dad and step mom, my mom and step dad. in this new crisp fall moment when i got the unexpected call from my dad that clay was gone, everything was different. uncontrollably crying i rode the plane 5 hours before reaching phoenix. i have no memory now of who picked me up from the airport, only the memory of when i first saw my mom. our hug lasted what felt like hours as our hearts melted together at the thought of this loss.

i stayed in phoenix through thanksgiving living what didnt feel like life next to my mom and their dog eddie. after the visitors stopped being so frequent we spent our time sitting staring blankly at the many shows on tv we could record and stare at again. i reminded her to eat. and we made a plan for the funeral and for after. i flew back to nashville for just 2 weeks to wrap things up and pack. my mom came december 15th and we drove back to phoenix all my belongings packed away in duffle bags in my car. the radio broke. dang. we had some laughs, some fruitful talks.

i lived with her in their apartment. the apartment where my step dad died. for the next 7 months. we tried to work through the grief together. my mom went to counseling. it was a beautiful time walking through this pain with her. i truly admire and love my mom. and still experience grief for her; that she would have to go through this.

in june 2010 my training paid off when the bike tour started and i could actually ride:well (unlike the first time in 2008 when i would say that i barely:rode). i remember as soon as i met dan perkins i started cracking jokes at him. making fun of him for being slower than another guy at putting his bike together (i dont even know how to put a bike together), and silly things like that. our team was very tight knit and i really loved everyone, but i noticed early on that this dan perkins was a notch above me on the being a good bike rider scale yet still always around me. waiting for me for hours at some rest stops so we could ride together. conveniently explaining those times away saying he was "tired" or "felt like reading a while" before finishing our 100 mile day. he definitely was interested in me.

our first date was at midnight at dennys in phoenix on july 29, 2010 when dan flew in from seattle to visit me for the first time. we shared lovely moments, making memories together while we dated. he would visit a few more times before i would move to seattle. i was lost in his friendship, but also craving what i felt i had lost in nashville. i wanted to move back. i felt my time there was cut short. what i didnt realize was everything was different there anyway. i wouldnt be going back to the same life i had left.

after a short break up and much consideration, i moved to seattle on september 27, 2010. dan flew down to california where i had driven from phoenix to meet up with me and drive me up to seattle, all my belongings in duffle bags in my car. the radio was fixed. :) we video taped our adventure and had a lot of hope. i think it was after this that i started losing mine.

living in a house with 6 other girls i hadnt ever met in a cloudy town i didnt know away from everyone i loved except for dan, i shriveled down into someone else. a person who became quickly unrecognizable to me and to dan. i became uncontrolably clingy, needy, irrational. i started having trouble being alone, and even more trouble not being with dan. i lost hold of the grip i had around my loving Father, God. i lost hold of movement. i fell into the whirlwind that began on november 13, 2009. everything was moving to fast for my brain to connect to. my heart and my faith got caught up in in too.

dan came very close to breaking up with me. i came very close to a nervous break down. we pushed through it. for some reason dan still wanted to marry me. i think of this as a miracle of God's grace. our wedding was unbelievable. a beautiful expression of God's love for each of us; to let us be united as one in Him. everyone cried. there was a lot of genuine joy.

for the first 3 months of marriage after the honeymoon (which was wonderful), we felt stuck. not stuck as in this is terrible, but stuck as in- how do we deal with being one with another person who is so different from us. and for me i felt the weight of my continued identity issues. my head knowledge reminded me, my identity is in Christ who cannot be moved, who cannot be replaced with anything better; there is no one, nothing better. i know. and i knew then too. still the feelings in my heart were real. strong and overpowering. i spent the majority of my days in tears while dan went to work. wishing that reality was different than it was. wishing that i could spend my days with my best friend (dan) instead of alone.

God was near us during this time and answered our cry for help by breaking our hearts for each other, giving us each grace to pour out to the other. giving us hope and a reminder to be near to Him as He is not far from each one of us. the foundation was set and we felt stronger because He became our strength.

but life continues on and some parts feel too hard. and some days feel too long. and some hope feels too far away. and i started getting into thought processes that breed discontentment, discouragement, and ideas that i wish i was someone else. i guess because during the whirlwind i lost who i was. though the foundation is Christ. though i am redeemed. the rest of life moves around in dizzying circles and my mind trails off of truth and my heart sinks into despair.

my prayer is for the whirlwind to still. for my heart to feel the peace of God which my head knowledge tells me surpasses all understanding, and for my hope to be grounded again and always in Christ who cannot be moved.

today is Good Friday. the day we remember that our Savior suffered long and hard on the cross to save us from all unrighteousness. that with His death died all my sins. all of our sins. and i am reminded of the new life He died to give us. to give me. and i dont want my heart to despair any longer. because He died to set me free. i want to live free and hopeful. to stand in His strength and be who He created me to be. who i always have been, only refined as He sees fit in each season.

i am Erin Lee McDermott Perkins. child of God. and today i hope in Christ. and on sunday i will celebrate that He is alive.

and so am i.

instead of unemployment, let's talk about never starting.

people often talk about unemployment. especially in this economy. the hard place it is to be just after loosing a job you have for months or years. the job you had as your career, and then lost. the job you thought you would always do; the place you thought you would always be.

what i want to talk about comes before this loss. what i want to talk about is never starting. never knowing what you would do or be. never getting the job. 

im not trying to complain or sound angry. i dont feel angry or ungrateful. i just feel like many people dont know about this possibility (some people definitely do, but sometimes it feels like i am alone in this). many people have never felt the things i am feeling. or been in the moment i have been in so often. the moment where they tell you you didnt get the job. the moment where you knew they were going to tell you that. i want to talk about this uncommon place, and that moment. and the feeling i feel: confusion. 

not that i am confused about why the other people get the job. but confusion about what i am doing in the first place. where do i fall in the story. where am i going and is it an efficient use of my time? how often i am mostly lazy. what i spend my days doing and if that's okay or what i should try to do next.

what i am talking about is life and it's ambiguity and it's uncertainty.  

i went to college because i wanted to know more about the Bible and for the social aspect of college. i love people. i love meeting new people and learning about who they are and building community. when asked the question where do you thrive, i always answer this way; wherever there are people to get to know and to build community with. i thrived in college. i thrived in Rwanda, Africa. i thrived at blood:water mission. I thrived on the Ride:Well Bike tours. i thrive in leadership roles. i thrive in being a helper to my husband. i thrive at world relief.

and what do i do with this? that's the confusing part. 

i realize that success (as far as "the american dream" is concerned) is so silly. and so unrelated to life as God had planned for us. and so i no longer consciously struggle with not being "successful". i dont think i unconsciously struggle with it either, but sometimes you cant tell i guess. what i struggle with is something else that is hard to define really. it comes in two parts as i start to unpack it. 

what am i doing wrong and what am i not realizing i should or could be doing, and not doing.

confused yet? me too. 

the struggle is in not knowing. which is true for all of life. the problem is it looks like some people do know and are doing things that are obviously useful and/or in tune with their skills or passions. 

you could argue that i am doing things that are useful and in tune with my skills and passions, but do i continue with what i am doing or look for something else in the spirit of finding the other things i may be more useful in doing. 

and i think this because i used to think i was moving to africa. and i never did. i used to think i was going to write a book. and i never did. and at the same time, i never thought i would ride a bicycle across america. and i did. i never thought i would lead another team riding bicycles up the west coast. and i did. i never thought i would live in nashville with my best friend hope. and i did. and i never never thought i would marry such a wonderful, precious man. and i did. 

so what do i do with that? that's the second confusing part. but feels more hopeful. and still unknown. uncertain.

i think the answer is prayer. since God is all knowing and will guide me on this path if i look to Him. i often find myself looking to myself instead, as if that makes any sense. i guess it just feels easier. more accessible  but i think that's only because i can see myself. and even though God is always there, i cant see Him with my eyes, so i talk to myself instead. and that is confusing.

news. themes. realizations.

just thinking of the right title for this post. i wanted to call it "growth, and movement", or one or the other. just take a look at my old posts; they are all titled similarly, if not exactly the same.

i guess that means something.

ive been figuring out how to identify my feelings better, and communicate my thoughts. dan and i have been talking about future things some. we have thoughts, and afar off ideas, but nothing concrete. one thing i often brought up at first was moving. i have wanted to get out of seattle since i got here. only i wanted to be with dan even more than i wanted to leave. so, i stayed.

there have been a lot of changes in me since. the main one, of course being, marrying dan. what that looks like fleshed out is something i'm still working on explaining correctly, especially to friends getting ready to get married themselves. the changes are in no way bad, even if they are hard. they mainly revolve around two people becoming one- and what that does to your previous conception of your own identity. i think it's even more change for the woman, because she also loses her family name, and takes on a different families name. seems small, maybe, but it's a big deal. not a bad deal, just a big deal.

with this renewal of my identity, came more change. i began viewing myself not only from my perspective, but also from dan's. how does what i say, do, think, not do, effect this other person who is a part of me now? this realization caused me to reevaluate why i have been feeling like i want to leave seattle so bad, why i was feeling depressed, and where it was that i wanted to go that wasn't seattle.

i figured it out a few weeks ago when dan and i were in portland. we were at julian's house, and he and i were talking about old times. and i got that feeling in my heart again. like it was bigger than before. like it was sparking. it's the feeling i have when i most want to leave seattle and go to another place. in that moment i realized that the place i want to be so badly, the place i long for, isn't real anymore. i told julian and dan, "i guess the place where i want to move is back to the memories".

that's the truth. i long for the memories. for the good friends, and the family attached to the experiences that changed me most.

this may not be a life-altering realization for most, because i'm guessing it's a common feeling. but, for me, it has really helped. it helps me to look back on those memories with so much thankfulness that they happened at all, even if they had to also end. it makes me feel even more love for the people attached to those memories. it makes me feel more joy. and it makes me realize more fully, that God had ordained those moments, and they changed me. they changed us. and they are a part of who each of us is right now. and we carry them with us always.

i guess the moments, and the times in life i miss so deeply would not be close to as precious if they lasted forever.

and now each moment that i have with my sweet husband, i treasure deep inside my soul, because i know each moment is a gift. and later it will be a memory that makes my heart spark as it fills again with the love i remember feeling back in the moment; however many years ago.

it's almost christmas, and im just thinking, "it's a beautiful life", and i didnt even mean to quote that movie title.

but, it is. and i have such beautiful memories, with such amazingly beautiful people that i will always always treasure.

so, i just want to say to Ride:Well 2008- matthew williams, brianne olson, jesse olson, don miller, margie gordner, mindy gunter, jess abt, jessica blocker, greg bargo, gregg mwendwa, david van buskirk, iron mike barrow, criselda vasquez, jen tyler, drew nelson, joanne cadicomo, and branndon bargo you guys changed me. and what we did together is always a part of who we are now, and who we are becoming. and no one else has these same memories as us. it is so special what we have. and i love each of you, and i will forever.

Ride:Well 2010- dan perkins, cody henderson, demetrius burns, ryan reid, heather goodman, anne taylor-biddle, stephanie smith, lexi austin, shannon jones, jenn vasquez- you guys changed me, and what we have is different and special. and i love each of you and i always will.

cal baptist university- jay potter, hannah barrett, amanda jenkins, drew and taryn mcelvany, rose barnes, and the gang, jacob stoutenberg, lauren vail, heather gibson, tim wilson, garret newman, maydelle white, and 2D!! ISP Rwanda 2007, the post and copy center, and everyone that was there at the same time as me. i miss your faces. those moments we had walking past each other, eating around each other in the caf. we always have those in our hearts and they dont go away. even though it's been 3 years for me since ive been there.

nashville. hilson. journey church. nashvillage. middle school and high school friends. phoenix. frozen yogurt. the bridge church. temecula. the san bernadino mountains. family. hope freaking mendola and PONDO 06!! and 07...

i wont ever move on or forget. but, i will live where i am at right now. because like my friend paul hurckman of (ventureexpeditions.org look it up) said recently, "we want to look at what God is doing right now, and be a part of that".

so, now i am looking at what God is doing in seattle. in my marriage. and with the memories of the past and the good friends that stay close even from far away. and i am more grateful than ever to fondly, with an incredible amount of warmth, look back and remember God is sovereign, and faithful- He gave me these experiences, and He gives new ones even now.

im glad the old ones will always be a part of me. i'm glad all of you will always be a part of me.

love,

erin.

fall and being alive.

i really love fall. i think it's short in washington, but at least it exists. today it exists. there are only wispy clouds in the sky today. no sign of rain; and so many trees lining every street, some of them covered with evidence of fall. red, yellow, orange, even light green; and then the air is crisp and cool; and i feel alive.

i think sometimes it's hard for me to feel alive. like there is a beating heart inside my body. like there is hope.

something im afraid of is getting stuck where i am. in a routine. in a certain place with no hope of change. it's weird that i fear it so much because all life is, is change. everyday is a change. every morning is a new chance for another day of unpredictable life. nothing ever stays exactly the same, even inside of routine. we can predict what will happen tomorrow based on what we did yesterday or our plans, but none of this is a guarantee.

i think i would like to stop fearing getting stuck. but i think i also want to keep adventure a part of my life if i can. i think the answer to not getting too serious, too focused on the negativity of realities in life, are threefold. spontaneity, laughter, and fun. i think these each hold a vital role for us humans. we get too serious, too caught up in working, or trying, or striving, or whatever it is, and we miss out on moments of joy that are found in spontaneity, laughter, and fun.

it's fall today in seattle, and im feeling alive.