to change you need to...change.

the other day i day dreamt i was on a cliff side. a steep fall ahead of me. across the edge, just far enough away, was the other side. i could see it. the clean, disciplined version of myself. the pursuer of dreams. the reliable, humorous friend and worker. i could see the version of myself who couldnt sit idly by while years passed without direction or vision. while those around me continued writing their stories of redemption and hope; of justice, deliverance, and peace. across the edge of the cliff in front of me, i could see the version of myself whose legacy would be one of small (and even big) inspirations. inspiration to keep moving. inspiration to trust. to walk. to cope. to take risks. to act. across the edge of the cliff, just far enough away, was the other side. and to reach it, i could see i needed to jump off. i needed to fall and let myself be caught. i needed to take the rope set before me. and i needed to climb up to the other side. 

in order to change into who i saw across the edge i needed to jump, be caught, and climb. in order to change, i needed to change. 

oh the eb and flow that is learning and re-learning. growing, regressing, and re-growing.

i know i have been at this impasse before. it may seem silly, but it's a bit emotional for me. to jump off the edge is to loose comfort. to be caught is to trust in what i cannot see. to climb up the other side of the cliff is to work hard and let go of the comfort of complacency that i have become so ensnared in.

today, reluctantly, i am jumping. 

i am jumping because in the last few days a few key things have happened to inspire me. first, i read and saw many accounts of a woman some of my great friends knew: Lizzy. her story is heroic. and her life seemed to match up with her final heroic act: sacrificing her own life so that her unborn daughter could live. her legacy is just beginning, and it is already effecting people worldwide! i am inspired to action despite my day to day feelings by Lizzy's story. i am inspired to truly live out Phil. 2:3-4 by Lizzy's story :"let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others". because of her legacy, i am inspired to leave one of my own that is more than talk. one that is action.

second, people have been affirming me in small ways saying things like: they could see what i say being a stand up comedy routine, or what i say should be put on t shirts to be sold... which help remind me of unique gifts i was given (as we all were given unique gifts of our own). lastly, today i read this on a friends facebook status: "Women-keep pressing yourself more fully and express that to this world. Our world needs your beauty, your creativity, and your intelligence. I beg of you not to just be one fraction of a person, but the FULL array of who you are meant to be. Dont hold anything back!" (Layne Eiler). 

i dont want to hold anything back. i dont want to get lost in this big world, drowning in a sea of meaninglessness that is constant entertainment and technology and daydreaming and being someone youre not. i want to be the version of myself i see above me now- on the other side of the cliff. i want to "walk worthy of the calling with which [i was] called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace"- Ephesians 4:1-3, and want to remember that "we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them"- Ephesians 2:10, and that "He Himself gave some... for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ...that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ- from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every party does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love"-Ephesians 4:11-16. (boldness added). 

i want to do my share. i want to use my gifts to edify the body. i want to use them to make people laugh. to raise my daughter. to welcome people in. into my home. into my life. into the body of Christ. and i want to use my gifts to leave a legacy that is God glorifying, and that inspires action. 

i trust the One Who caught me when i jumped off the old end of myself today. 

if you need me, i'll be here making the slow climb up the other side... i never said i would climb fast; just that i would climb. 

i think we are going to miss it.

i have a sweet daughter. she is a toddler. she is infuriating. and adorable. and hilarious. ive never felt as much real joy as when i am with her. ive never felt more outside myself. never more sure of what matters in life. never more unsure of who i am, or where i am going. never more conflicted about use of time: the everyday, travel, or family visits. never more aware how fragile and fleeting moments are. never more sure that God exists and is present with us. never more exhausted or overwhelmed. never happier. (though i am a realist who says what i am feeling in all moments, so most people think i am most often unhappy. this is inaccurate. im just honest).

since before we got married my husband and i have discussed having kids. what a funny thing to discuss and decide on before we know what it will actually be like! (we all do it). he wanted more kids than me. he never considered adoption. all i wanted to do was adopt. we got married anyway. and im glad! (obviously). but, oh the talks we've had! disagreements all around. 

then...

our daughter. if you'd asked either of us the first two months of her life if we would have another, we would probably have yelled a resounding "NO!" at you before you even finished asking the question. i dont know if you know this, but babies starts smiling around 2 months. and this can capture your heart in ways you never thought possible. it can happen to moms and dads. it happens to a lot of moms. in our family, dan was the first to go. in the way that i mean anyway. (of course this girl had me at hello...or maybe just after hello ;) ) but SHE had me. not some other future baby. just HER. i am very stubborn about separating her from the world of babies. just because she got me, doesnt mean im ready for another. (and i may never be, but thanks for your opinion on the subject). 

more discussions ensued. more disagreements. more stubbornness (from me mostly). i had a traumatic birth, yes. that was one of the reasons for stubbornness. i think, give a girl time, you know? this is a big deal. also, realize staying at home as a mom means a lot (even if you go to a job also it means a lot to have a baby) because after youre pregnant forever, then you push this baby out of yourself (or it is removed another very painful way from your body), then your whole body is still enslaved to that baby!! nursing, no sleep, covered in spit up or poop, or both! not being able to eat certain foods that the baby cant handle. all. day. long. in my life anyway, my husband goes to work. he's gone 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. having a baby, or a second baby, is very different for him. it just is, you know? you get to keep your body, sir!!!! sounds luxurious to me. but, i get that the grass is greener. just saying my perspective is all. 

anyway, it's 1 year and 4 months later now. this girl has my heart. i cry thinking of another baby because i want to love her with my time, my money, my everything. i want her to have all of me. but, she loves babies. i mean loves. we went to see my friends two month old twins yesterday, and when she wined when i held one of the babies my friend thought it was because she was jealous. nope. it's because she loves babies. she wants that baby more than me, more than anything. and my husband. he is sweet. he is my best friend. no matter what problems or struggles we have had. we are best friends and we want what is best for each other. he is an excellent dad. seriously. you should see his joy when she is happy. when she dances. its beautiful to see. it's a picture of how God looks at us as His children. 

so here i am. my daughter wants a baby, my husband wants a baby. ok. i understand. i dont feel pressured. i feel like time has cured my stubbornness. my selfishness. i feel like God can redeem my birth experience. i trust that. i see the struggle of everyday motherhood. of toddlerhood. of parenthood. and since i have already entered into it, i think why not continue it? im sure the joy another child adds will supersede the everyday struggles in the early years. im sure we are going to miss it. these simple moments at home watching our child discover the world. watching them learn to smile, crawl, sit up, walk, dance, talk, love. i am sure we are going to miss it. so, let's do it. and let's enjoy those moments. let's laugh when they poop on us, and let's take a picture to remember the simpler times. when going to target alone was so much fun to us. when getting out of the house once a day was a victory, no matter where we went. when that cup of coffee was not only warmed up 5 times that morning, but still tasted like the sweet nectar of the gods because it got us through the day. it's all worth it. and i know that. 

(ps. we are still going to do foster to adopt one day. and we are not pregnant nor hoping to become pregnant soon. i have simply began to realize many important things about life which i am sharing with you, one of them being that children add to life. and i will try for another sometime).    

hey. whoa. life!

just thinking these days. life slows down a bit as a stay at home mom (at least for me). it's busy too. hard to explain i guess. naps are quite long and yield to "freetime" as some call it. "chore time", alone time. well, i am an extrovert, and as nap schedules and an energetic baby become more of a priority, this mom spends less and less time extrovert..ing. life things are still happening though. marriage things. friendships. desires are still springing up in my heart. but, alas, i'm sitting alone waiting for my baby to wake up a lot of the day. thinking. wishing. dreaming. day dreaming. fantasizing other people's lives via facebook. my need for extraverting lends to laziness while alone. especially combined with all the thoughts in my head. instead of getting things done, i find myself watching tv to "getaway" as if this will somehow make things better. while it is a great way to relax once in a while (i think) i do not want it to be my go to. it increases my daydreaming. takes me further from reality.

i've gotten to hang out a few nights in big groups of friends recently. people. i need this. so, this is documentation to remind myself (and my sweet husband who understands) that i should do this regularly to get my extroverts out. i need this and i need dates with my husband. (we have been working on this). ive found there are things that i need that i wish i didnt need. like my friend said last night at happy hour, "i like the idea of not wanting gifts, but i do want gifts". In the same way, i like the idea of being simple and laid back not needing to ask much of my husband, but i need to ask some of my husband. i feel better when i do. i feel better when i go out with him, and when i go out with friends. it's how i recharge. life is not about me. i know. life is life. it's weird and it's point is highly debated. i am of the camp that life is a gift with an unknown end date that is given by a Kind and Loving Creator in order that we would love Him and others, making an impact on other lives as we go along. i like that life has meaning. but it doesnt mean i always live towards this. it doesnt mean i always feel happy. or even joy. but i do find that simple things are helping. reading His Word. honesty with myself and with my husband. prayer. music. and as mentioned above: going out with my husband, and with friends. also, games. also, waking up when my baby does and seeing her so happy.

then the big things that would help: going on a new adventure. whether short term or permanent. whether nearby or far (hopefully both). instead of holding my desires inside and not sharing them because i am embarrassed or ashamed that i desire them, ive decided i'll pray through them, then share them with my husband. after all, he is my partner in life. we chose each other to walk with. might as well keep up with each other, and enjoy the journey.

end random conglomerate of thoughts. happy wednesday :)

the inefficient mother.

im a mother. all of the sudden. i am a mother. before this though, i was just erin. erin the human who wasnt a mother. and who wasnt efficient. and who wasnt organized. and who wasnt prompt. i was just erin. i was a friend. a good listener. i was interested in people; in helping however i could; in effecting change. i was also prone to laziness. interested in taking naps and watching tv. luckily i nixed my earlier habit of also eating my weight in cheese balls and coca cola, but i was still very interested in watching tv. i enjoyed simple things. but also sought adventure. community was important to me, but i also desired comfort. i loved seeing my favorite bands play live over and over. (thrice 10 times, mewithoutYou 10 times, all together separate 11 times, etc). i loved making people laugh, bringing people together, writing my thoughts down. i thought it was important to share what i had because Jesus said in the Bible to share what you have so that none have need. i thought everyone was connected because Paul said in the Bible that God made all from one blood. i didnt like to do hard or scary things, but i still did them. i road my bike across america and up the west coast because i felt pulled towards it. i loved sharing about organizations that were answering the call of Jesus to serve others. i went sky diving even though i am very scared of heights. i always felt drawn towards Africa, specifically Tanzania, Rwanda, Uganda, Swaziland, DRC, and Cameroon (shout out to donald baliaba if youre reading!) because i was scared of most things, i just did them despite my fear because i figured if i didnt do them, i would just sit around and watch tv and eat cheese balls all day everyday until maybe one day i would receive my fifteen minutes of fame for being on some TLC show about being so fat that you cant move. im serious.

when i got married i entertained the idea of having children from my body. before that i never thought i would do it. adoption, to me seemed like the only way. there are so many children awaiting families and i wanted to be their family. and i still do. badly. but i never thought i would do the pregnancy and childbirth thing. of course i was in on the idea when it came down to it because it seemed awesome for there to be a tiny version of my husband and i in the world. then as it all happened, it felt so much like an out of body experience. like, "how is this my life?" "how are these things happening to me?" it was very hard for me. very foreign. interesting. beautiful, yes. but, foreign. and beyond scary. as my pregnancy progressed i got more and more scared because i couldnt control how this baby would come out of me, all i knew is that she had to. and i wished and wished that could change somehow. that she could exist outside of me without me having to get her out. inevitably, she had to come out. and she did. and we all know how that went.

now she is 7 months old. and such an enormous joy. i cant believe she is mine to hold. this girl is hilarious. she is so curious. so strong. so stinkin cute. i am her mother. and i am so amazed by that. but guess what else? i am still erin. i am still all the things i was more than i can ever be all the things that are projected on me to be as a mother. i am an inefficient mother. dont feel bad for me. i dont mind. im just being honest with myself and with you. i'll try to grow of course. i'll listen to advice with a grain of salt, of course. but, as of yesterday, i decided i'll quit putting pressure on myself to somehow "grow up", or somehow be whatever others think a mother should be. and you know what i'll be instead?

i'll be erin.

and i think Lilly will enjoy erin as her mother. you know why? because we will laugh a lot at ourselves. because we will cry together. we will apologize together for our tardiness.  (i am apologetic when my flaws effect others' lives negatively). and i guess that is why i was worried that i wasnt organized, creative, crafty, tech savvy, good at cooking or doing hair, or matching for my daughter. because i thought these were flaws and that she needed a mother who could do these things. but, then i realized these arent what  makes a mother. they are just often the things we see mothers doing. and if i cannot do them, it's okay because i am a mother regardless of my proficiency in these areas. and that wont effect my daughter negatively. if she wants to learn one of these things, i'll try and learn with her. and/or i'll ask a friend to help teach her/us. and you know what i'll do no matter what my flaws or inefficiencies? i'll love Lilly with all my heart. every day. and i think she will know that, that is what a mother is. and that, to me is what matters.

what happend on september 7th and the following days.

it's been 5 months. i've needed to write this out, but it's hard to find the time. and it's hard to find the words.

let me tell you a story.

five months ago on september 7th, my due date, my water broke: a little. i didnt know for sure if it was my water. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. my back was hurting and i wondered if i was having contractions. everyone said, "oh you will know". i didnt know. i went to my midwives office and she checked me. my water had broken, and i was having contractions. small contractions. she said that i had 72 hours to go into labor before i would have to start trying natural induction strategies. dan thought that probably  meant i wouldnt go into labor that day. i thought it probably meant i would. my midwife said go home, eat dinner, and get rest. so we went out to dinner at the oak, our favorite place to get a burger, went home, and watched 50 first dates in our bed (we briefly had our old tv in our room). towards the end i was getting very uncomfortable. luckily i had convinced dan to leave the plastic on our mattress in case i went into labor. because by the end of 50 first dates, i was in labor. i learned all these techniques for relaxation in our birth class. we practiced them. i didnt i remember any of them until after labor was over. i couldnt think or move. i couldnt relax. i couldnt even cry, or eat or walk around or bounce on a ball or get into the shower, or anything. i could yell, and that's what i did. my labor was short as far as labors are often concerned. so my doula later said she was afraid she might have to deliver her first baby because the midwife wasnt getting there and i was progressing so quickly! i know that when we called my midwife, i was having contractions 6 minutes apart...ish. then she said call back when they are 3 minutes are less apart. they were 3 minutes apart 10 minutes after our first call to her. so we called her again. and my doula told me later that she was secretly frantically texting my midwife to check on her whereabouts because she thought we would run out of time. my midwife got there on time, but definitely wasnt there long before i started to push. i dont know how long i pushed, but i remember the pain was mostly from how i was holding my body. so uncomfortable! i remember my midwife said i was doing great at not pushing too fast which made me think, "yes, maybe i wont tear so bad", and "what was i afraid of, this is not so bad". but then. Lilly's head was stuck, and my midwife said she needed to cut. Ah! she cut, and i tore. Lilly was presenting asynclitic. with her head tilted in a funny way which made for a rough exit. So, although she only weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces, I was left with some months of recovery that I wasn't expecting. People often describe the way they felt when they saw their baby for the first time as "the best moment of their life" or "so beautiful". I don't remember feeling those things, or anything really. Now I am quite confident that I was in shock. Trauma to my body took away those feelings, and that is unfortunate, but now I have those feelings every moment when I look at Lilly. She is so amazing. And I am so happy to be her mom.

But the story continues... with me, in shock, getting sown up. (just keepin it real here). While administering post birth shots of Pitocin because of bleeding, my midwife states, "Erin, I think I'll have to have you transferred to the hospital for repair, I want a second opinion on this tear so that you will heal well". Or something to that effect. "okay", I said. Shock. "can I have some orange juice? I remember they said I should drink orange juice after and try to walk around". "can I have some food too?" yes. My doula goes to get my juice and food. A burrito or mac n cheese? Mac and cheese. Dan can eat the burrito. Good thing he does because he wouldn't be eating for a while after that. Since Lilly was already born and healthy (thank God!), Swedish would not allow her to come with me unless I entered the hospital via the emergency room. Oh good! But it wasn't an emergency so we waited over and hour, maybe two? For the ambulance to come. They got there after my midwife had administered an I.V. , I had eaten a half toast with peanut butter, and before I could get my clothes on. One female. One male medic. Oh good. My doula helped me get a shirt on quickly and put on those awesome mesh underwear. The medics asked if I wanted to sit in their chair to go down my skinny houses two flights of stairs, or if I could walk. Hmmm. I hate both options. I can't sit or walk. So with the help of my midwife, my doula, and the medics, I army crawled backwards in my mesh underwear down two flights of stairs. Luckily, the stretcher was in my living room and they covered me up before I went outside to the ambulance. Dan got Lilly ready (oh happy first day baby!), and our bag packed up, and after 30 minutes of the two medics and Dan trying to get the carseat into the ambulance, we left for the hospital.

Admitting me to the emergency room took a while. One highlight was my midwife advocating that they don't poke me again but use my current I.V. port to draw blood and do a hospital I.V. through. (thanks Cindie, I needed a win).  I remember joking around with people and trying to help myself cope. My midwife later said she admired that. I was just surviving. At some point they said we could have a post partum room and we could Move to it soon, so we did that. And at some point they told me that I could be put under for my surgery or that I could get a spinal tap and that they recommended a spinal tap because there are people who say anesthesia can get into the breast milk and maybe be bad for the baby. Okay. So I started sobbing. Dan, my midwife, and my doula surrounded me to pray. They said would not be so bad to get the anesthesia for this. I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please! I already did a natural birth, had shots, stitches, an i.v. that didn't want! I didn't get an epidural because I didn't want a needle in my spine. Please don't make me get one now that it's over! I chose anesthesia. Then surgery came. They wheeled me into pre op. Without letting me say goodbye, they stopped Lilly and everyone at door. They said she can't come in because she is a newborn (understandable, but please let this traumatized, emotional, brand freaking. New mom say bye to her baby before you take her away on her first day of life!) my midwife and doula took care of Lilly, and Dan came in with me. We cried together. He held my hand while they told me that I had to wait two more hours because of the half toast I after giving birth. I cried so hard. Why didn't I lie about eating!! I needed this ordeal to be over. We all did. Also I was SO TIRED AND SO HUNGRY. At some point they did let me go see Lilly for 45 minutes before surgery. I was glad to see her but having a hard time because of shock and exhaustion. Then they wheeled me back or surgery finally. (Lilly was born at 5:42am and it was now 2pm and I had labored from 9pm til she was born at 5:42am). There were a bunch of lady doctors surrounding me as they gave me anesthesia. I remember saying, "everything is going to be okay, right?" they said yes. Then I remember the lights, and waking up to their voices. They told me important sounding things that I couldn't retain. Then wheeled me to post op to wake up. The nurse came in to find me weeping. I asked her if I could please see my husband. She said no. No one is allowed I post op,  and she left. I cried harder than I ever have. I don't know. I felt so alone. I needed a hug.

I was so happy to be back in the room wit Dan and Lilly. I remember then laying Lilly on me, my doula giving me a jimmy johns sandwich which I had been craving my whole pregnancy, and her ordering me some milkshakes which my friend Diana had raved about. I don't remember much else. Then the next day we got to go home. It was a relief, though due to silly things, I had to return to the emergency room via ambulance two days later. And what ensued next were many crazy (which is normal) days of getting used to a newborn, and realizing we weren't feeding her well, and engorgement, and blisters (you don't want to know). And me not sitting up again for almost 2months. I spent so many days in my bed. I ate and slept there like they do on TLC's my 600 pound life. I could barely make it to the bathroom, let alone downstairs (where the kitchen is). I needed help and so many amazing friends and family helped me. I am eternally grateful for each of you (you know who you are), and my midwife, Cindie, and my doula, Tiffany. God placed them in my life intentionally. They helped me through. Dan helped me through and I am eternally grateful for his patience, endurance, and support.

But I'm not okay with what happened. I don't know why it happened. And I don't want it to happen again. I needed to write this to help me process, and to say, birth is a big deal. I know it's not always so rough, but it is a big deal. And I don't think you really get it til you do it. I don't really have anything else to say about this. Except that I have some healing to do. And I could use prayer. Thanks for reading and being my friend.

Love,
Erin

tiny baby. big change.

who knew such a tiny girl would bring about such massive changes in mine and my husband's life? i guess most people knew. youre supposed to know these things. taking care of another life is kind of a big deal. and such a tiny life that requires your undivided and immediate attention. all of this would be quite tolerable if the birthing and post part em ordeal was not so overwhelmingly difficult. having a baby would be such bliss if you didnt actually have to have the baby. at least i think so. it's just a little much that God would ask women to carry a baby nine months, push said baby out of their bodies, then be said babies sole source of food while she recovers slowly and painfully from pushing a baby out of her body! it's insanity. of course i know it is our lot, and there are also beautiful parts. like when the baby kicks you for the first time. and when she starts doing summersaults. and when she gets the hiccups and makes your belly noticeably bounce. and after you give birth life changes. in big ways. ways that are beautiful, but also impossible to catch up with. out of nowhere, and after a traumatic event like none other, you, the mother, are expected to do things you have no idea how to do and never have done before: instantly. you're expected to nurse her right away. this is a foreign yet seemingly efficient practice for a first time mother. and it is so vital. you have to figure it out. it doesnt work for everyone of course, and may still not work for me though we are making great strides in the right direction now. it is great to know that formula exists and is a great option for anyone who needs it. but either way this tiny baby needs you to feed her. often. and just like that your whole world is altered forever. instantly and forever.

my baby girl, Lilly, is so beautiful. i was worried she may look funny. i just imagined her getting the weirdest traits from each of us and looking so funny. instead she is so cute and everyone says so. not just me and my husband. she is also so sweet. she makes the cutest faces and is so soft and cuddly. ive never loved anyone like the way i love her. even though this is true, it has been unbelievably hard to become a mother. to have everything change.

the season changed since i have been mostly captive in my room. from summer to fall. i watched from my window as the last of the consecutively beautiful sunny days came and went. it was hard to watch them slip away knowing the cold winter was coming after a short fall. getting used to all the change while pent up alone in a room during the last of seattle's sunny days is a lot. and i did not do well at first. my delivery left me with wounds that really had me confined to my bed for a solid two weeks, and then mostly so since then. my biggest adventure so far  has been short almost daily walks in the last week, and a trip to bent burger for my first beer on tap. it tasted like freedom.

amazingly during this time of healing and growing and being stretched and letting go, everyone helped us. our family, our community group, my co-workers/friends, our roommates, and many other friends. we have been humbled and convicted to do the same for others. we have been blessed. with an amazing community and a beautiful, precious little baby. we are blessed. i cant believe that this is my life now, and often times through out the day i have vivid memories of the past pop into my head like i am viewing a movie and i look back yearning for those times. and then i look down at my precious tiny baby girl, and i am floored that this baby is mine to take care of. to love and to cherish. i carried her in my womb as she was being knit together. and now i carry her in my arms as she grows. and because of her i am growing. the change that she brings is both necessary and something i was unprepared for. both beautiful and difficult.

alongside my tiny baby, i am growing. and it is a wonderful phenomena however painful the process.

i learned a new way to breathe.

people say im too hard on myself. and also that they are worried about me. and also that they are afraid I am mad. and that I lack confidence.

well I hear you. and I agree.

here's what I want to say.

I don't want to be like this.

I want to be a regular human. not a perfect human. just a regular one.

I think I am very aware. too aware maybe. which causes over analysis of myself and everyone/thing around me.

this is also mixed with a real desire to make sure everyone around me is happy. even if I am not happy. mixed also with a good amount of realization that life is short, and moves too quickly past us. and finally mixed with a good amount of fear. fear of change. death. loss. discomfort. etc... 

ive also got a faith. a real faith in a real God. who is big and intentional and gave me individuality and a skillset. I guess I want to separate what God made me to be out from what holds me back- what can and needs to change about who I started becoming. I think of sara groves' song- rewrite this tragedy- she says what I am thinking, "sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill. what of this makes us who we are. all that we love the most; all that we can not let go of; how much of change can we survive".

I think I used to be independent. always silly. always someone different. always asking for help, but trying myself first. more confident, and driven. but always closely knit to a friend group. always part of a team. I guess im sad I lost some of that.

but I can feel that God is bringing it back. I can tell He is putting me in situations where it's just Him and I and I press on through His strength. and He doesn't disappoint.

having a loving, intelligent, best friend as a husband is a blessing without question. but I think I lean on him too much. I think I collapse onto him. like for the last 3 years I just needed to rest. but he helped me get back on my feet. he helped sharpen me again.

and now I find myself again. ready to grow. to be changed. to face fears. to make mistakes and learn from them. to pray often and listen closely. to let go of who I see myself as, and to be who God created me to be. to trust His leading, and collapse onto Him while holding my best friend's hand. and even through the inevitable tears, press further and further on. always knowing that even if this life ends for me or for anyone I love, the life we experience in eternity is far greater than we can now fathom, and far longer than we will ever know. so everything is okay either way. because God is big and real and loves us.

precious moments.

i've just been thinking lately: life is so weird. it's this amount of time which is different for everyone, where we are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. it's like all of us are hoping for, even waiting for something more. even if we dont know what or why. i believe there is more to hope for; that there is something we are waiting for while we fill our time on earth. there is something more; it's a place we cannot now understand filled with the presence of God in such a huge capacity; a hugeness of which we cannot now know; it's a place He is preparing for those who love Him. it sounds crazy to some because it is not something we can imagine or comprehend. but i believe we were made for that other place. the place where God is. a place outside of time, free from pain, sorrow, and oppression. a place full of only complete joy and freedom.

and now as we live, we walk blindly, trusting in ourselves or in God, or at times in one or the Other. we only have speculations of where we are going and how long we will be there. nothing is certain. each day passes leaving us with only a memory of a past we can't get back, welcoming us into an uncomfortable present- a place i find the most difficulty enjoying in it's vaporous moments. i wish it away before i feel all of it's possible joy, hoping for adventure, freedom, a more satisfying future. a future that makes me feel like i did in the past. 

and I've been thinking those vaporous moments, this vaporous moment, is precious. it is unlike any other moment i will ever or have ever experienced. it is a vapor. and if i dont enjoy it thoroughly as it is happening, if i complain and mope through it, wont i then miss it even more once it is gone? maybe deep down it's regret that makes me long for the past. because i wish i could go back and enjoy it the way my vivid memories encourage that i should have initially done.

one thing that's true is at any moment we could be having our last moment in this life. but something even more important is the choices we make in each of our moments. the choice to enjoy ourselves free from worry or pressure or fear of man or fear of death. the choice to trust. to keep moving. to take risks. to laugh heartily. to bring comfort. to bring hope. to offer a hand. to offer the shirt of your back. to stand up for what is right. to encourage. to ride on despite difficulties or pain. then those moments, as they become memories, will fill us with such thankfulness because they were enjoyed as thoroughly as possible, and they were too precious to be recreated. so no attempt is necessary. 

and also there is so much that some people do and others dont. and i have been thinking about how that happens. how our choices that matter as we live these fleeting moments also include what to do with ourselves. all of us choose something a little bit different, dont we? and it's not just about our jobs (i mean your reading something by me, and i dont have a job), it's about everything else too. do we follow Jesus or buddha, or Allah, or ourselves. who do we spend our time with? where do we live? do we ever own a house? do we ever get married? do we ever visit Europe or Australia or Africa or America? do our moments end as a child or do they end at age 100? can we have kids? do we adopt? what tragedy do we experience? what do we fight for? what do we stand for? how do we spend our moments? some of these questions are things that happen to us, not things we choose, and how do we reconcile those times with what we believe, or with joy? and how do we move forward? and who do we lean on?

even though i am having these thoughts and trying to articulate them correctly, i want to say that i'm happy. im happy when i think back on memories of moments lived fully in college, at ponderosa pines christian camp, in rwanda, on the 2008 ride:well tour, in nashville, in phoenix, on the 2010 ride:well tour, in seattle, at my wedding, in my marriage to my best friend, and each vivid moment's memory with friends and family. but i've just thinking of how each of us walks a path that is slightly or completely different and it's interesting to contemplate. and it's important for me to remember to savor the fleeting moments as they are happening. and to remember that there will be something more later that my heart is really longing for, and nothing in life can fulfill that type of longing or bring that type of fullness of joy, but i can choose to enjoy my life. the way it has been written for me to live. and smile when i think of the past. and smile while im living in the moment. and smile when i dream of the future. no more regrets. 

when i grow up i want to be...someone else

i guess the whirlwind started on november 13, 2009. it was a carefree fall morning. crisp, sunny, hopeful. the day my stepdad died. i recounted the moments just this morning with a friend and the tears came again. not the way they did the morning of november 13th, but they still came. since his death was sudden, there was no time to think. i departed for phoenix just as soon as the next flight would leave nashville. there was only time for asking my roommate for help to construct a black outfit for the upcoming funeral in phoenix. i needed shoes. i didnt have the right shoes.

the day before this, november 12th, i was at my internship at mocha club in nashville sleepily inputting data into their accounts regarding their supporting artists when i got the call from venture expeditions that i had been accepted to lead the ride:well bike tour the next summer from san diego to seattle for blood:water mission. i was ecstatic. i needed out of the waitressing buis. stat. and this would be something wonderful to look forward to; to train for; to dream about.

november 13th came suddenly with it's news that would quench my exciting news of leading the trip. i had planned on sharing it during my visit to the blood:water office this day, and to my family later; my dad and step mom, my mom and step dad. in this new crisp fall moment when i got the unexpected call from my dad that clay was gone, everything was different. uncontrollably crying i rode the plane 5 hours before reaching phoenix. i have no memory now of who picked me up from the airport, only the memory of when i first saw my mom. our hug lasted what felt like hours as our hearts melted together at the thought of this loss.

i stayed in phoenix through thanksgiving living what didnt feel like life next to my mom and their dog eddie. after the visitors stopped being so frequent we spent our time sitting staring blankly at the many shows on tv we could record and stare at again. i reminded her to eat. and we made a plan for the funeral and for after. i flew back to nashville for just 2 weeks to wrap things up and pack. my mom came december 15th and we drove back to phoenix all my belongings packed away in duffle bags in my car. the radio broke. dang. we had some laughs, some fruitful talks.

i lived with her in their apartment. the apartment where my step dad died. for the next 7 months. we tried to work through the grief together. my mom went to counseling. it was a beautiful time walking through this pain with her. i truly admire and love my mom. and still experience grief for her; that she would have to go through this.

in june 2010 my training paid off when the bike tour started and i could actually ride:well (unlike the first time in 2008 when i would say that i barely:rode). i remember as soon as i met dan perkins i started cracking jokes at him. making fun of him for being slower than another guy at putting his bike together (i dont even know how to put a bike together), and silly things like that. our team was very tight knit and i really loved everyone, but i noticed early on that this dan perkins was a notch above me on the being a good bike rider scale yet still always around me. waiting for me for hours at some rest stops so we could ride together. conveniently explaining those times away saying he was "tired" or "felt like reading a while" before finishing our 100 mile day. he definitely was interested in me.

our first date was at midnight at dennys in phoenix on july 29, 2010 when dan flew in from seattle to visit me for the first time. we shared lovely moments, making memories together while we dated. he would visit a few more times before i would move to seattle. i was lost in his friendship, but also craving what i felt i had lost in nashville. i wanted to move back. i felt my time there was cut short. what i didnt realize was everything was different there anyway. i wouldnt be going back to the same life i had left.

after a short break up and much consideration, i moved to seattle on september 27, 2010. dan flew down to california where i had driven from phoenix to meet up with me and drive me up to seattle, all my belongings in duffle bags in my car. the radio was fixed. :) we video taped our adventure and had a lot of hope. i think it was after this that i started losing mine.

living in a house with 6 other girls i hadnt ever met in a cloudy town i didnt know away from everyone i loved except for dan, i shriveled down into someone else. a person who became quickly unrecognizable to me and to dan. i became uncontrolably clingy, needy, irrational. i started having trouble being alone, and even more trouble not being with dan. i lost hold of the grip i had around my loving Father, God. i lost hold of movement. i fell into the whirlwind that began on november 13, 2009. everything was moving to fast for my brain to connect to. my heart and my faith got caught up in in too.

dan came very close to breaking up with me. i came very close to a nervous break down. we pushed through it. for some reason dan still wanted to marry me. i think of this as a miracle of God's grace. our wedding was unbelievable. a beautiful expression of God's love for each of us; to let us be united as one in Him. everyone cried. there was a lot of genuine joy.

for the first 3 months of marriage after the honeymoon (which was wonderful), we felt stuck. not stuck as in this is terrible, but stuck as in- how do we deal with being one with another person who is so different from us. and for me i felt the weight of my continued identity issues. my head knowledge reminded me, my identity is in Christ who cannot be moved, who cannot be replaced with anything better; there is no one, nothing better. i know. and i knew then too. still the feelings in my heart were real. strong and overpowering. i spent the majority of my days in tears while dan went to work. wishing that reality was different than it was. wishing that i could spend my days with my best friend (dan) instead of alone.

God was near us during this time and answered our cry for help by breaking our hearts for each other, giving us each grace to pour out to the other. giving us hope and a reminder to be near to Him as He is not far from each one of us. the foundation was set and we felt stronger because He became our strength.

but life continues on and some parts feel too hard. and some days feel too long. and some hope feels too far away. and i started getting into thought processes that breed discontentment, discouragement, and ideas that i wish i was someone else. i guess because during the whirlwind i lost who i was. though the foundation is Christ. though i am redeemed. the rest of life moves around in dizzying circles and my mind trails off of truth and my heart sinks into despair.

my prayer is for the whirlwind to still. for my heart to feel the peace of God which my head knowledge tells me surpasses all understanding, and for my hope to be grounded again and always in Christ who cannot be moved.

today is Good Friday. the day we remember that our Savior suffered long and hard on the cross to save us from all unrighteousness. that with His death died all my sins. all of our sins. and i am reminded of the new life He died to give us. to give me. and i dont want my heart to despair any longer. because He died to set me free. i want to live free and hopeful. to stand in His strength and be who He created me to be. who i always have been, only refined as He sees fit in each season.

i am Erin Lee McDermott Perkins. child of God. and today i hope in Christ. and on sunday i will celebrate that He is alive.

and so am i.

instead of unemployment, let's talk about never starting.

people often talk about unemployment. especially in this economy. the hard place it is to be just after loosing a job you have for months or years. the job you had as your career, and then lost. the job you thought you would always do; the place you thought you would always be.

what i want to talk about comes before this loss. what i want to talk about is never starting. never knowing what you would do or be. never getting the job. 

im not trying to complain or sound angry. i dont feel angry or ungrateful. i just feel like many people dont know about this possibility (some people definitely do, but sometimes it feels like i am alone in this). many people have never felt the things i am feeling. or been in the moment i have been in so often. the moment where they tell you you didnt get the job. the moment where you knew they were going to tell you that. i want to talk about this uncommon place, and that moment. and the feeling i feel: confusion. 

not that i am confused about why the other people get the job. but confusion about what i am doing in the first place. where do i fall in the story. where am i going and is it an efficient use of my time? how often i am mostly lazy. what i spend my days doing and if that's okay or what i should try to do next.

what i am talking about is life and it's ambiguity and it's uncertainty.  

i went to college because i wanted to know more about the Bible and for the social aspect of college. i love people. i love meeting new people and learning about who they are and building community. when asked the question where do you thrive, i always answer this way; wherever there are people to get to know and to build community with. i thrived in college. i thrived in Rwanda, Africa. i thrived at blood:water mission. I thrived on the Ride:Well Bike tours. i thrive in leadership roles. i thrive in being a helper to my husband. i thrive at world relief.

and what do i do with this? that's the confusing part. 

i realize that success (as far as "the american dream" is concerned) is so silly. and so unrelated to life as God had planned for us. and so i no longer consciously struggle with not being "successful". i dont think i unconsciously struggle with it either, but sometimes you cant tell i guess. what i struggle with is something else that is hard to define really. it comes in two parts as i start to unpack it. 

what am i doing wrong and what am i not realizing i should or could be doing, and not doing.

confused yet? me too. 

the struggle is in not knowing. which is true for all of life. the problem is it looks like some people do know and are doing things that are obviously useful and/or in tune with their skills or passions. 

you could argue that i am doing things that are useful and in tune with my skills and passions, but do i continue with what i am doing or look for something else in the spirit of finding the other things i may be more useful in doing. 

and i think this because i used to think i was moving to africa. and i never did. i used to think i was going to write a book. and i never did. and at the same time, i never thought i would ride a bicycle across america. and i did. i never thought i would lead another team riding bicycles up the west coast. and i did. i never thought i would live in nashville with my best friend hope. and i did. and i never never thought i would marry such a wonderful, precious man. and i did. 

so what do i do with that? that's the second confusing part. but feels more hopeful. and still unknown. uncertain.

i think the answer is prayer. since God is all knowing and will guide me on this path if i look to Him. i often find myself looking to myself instead, as if that makes any sense. i guess it just feels easier. more accessible  but i think that's only because i can see myself. and even though God is always there, i cant see Him with my eyes, so i talk to myself instead. and that is confusing.

news. themes. realizations.

just thinking of the right title for this post. i wanted to call it "growth, and movement", or one or the other. just take a look at my old posts; they are all titled similarly, if not exactly the same.

i guess that means something.

ive been figuring out how to identify my feelings better, and communicate my thoughts. dan and i have been talking about future things some. we have thoughts, and afar off ideas, but nothing concrete. one thing i often brought up at first was moving. i have wanted to get out of seattle since i got here. only i wanted to be with dan even more than i wanted to leave. so, i stayed.

there have been a lot of changes in me since. the main one, of course being, marrying dan. what that looks like fleshed out is something i'm still working on explaining correctly, especially to friends getting ready to get married themselves. the changes are in no way bad, even if they are hard. they mainly revolve around two people becoming one- and what that does to your previous conception of your own identity. i think it's even more change for the woman, because she also loses her family name, and takes on a different families name. seems small, maybe, but it's a big deal. not a bad deal, just a big deal.

with this renewal of my identity, came more change. i began viewing myself not only from my perspective, but also from dan's. how does what i say, do, think, not do, effect this other person who is a part of me now? this realization caused me to reevaluate why i have been feeling like i want to leave seattle so bad, why i was feeling depressed, and where it was that i wanted to go that wasn't seattle.

i figured it out a few weeks ago when dan and i were in portland. we were at julian's house, and he and i were talking about old times. and i got that feeling in my heart again. like it was bigger than before. like it was sparking. it's the feeling i have when i most want to leave seattle and go to another place. in that moment i realized that the place i want to be so badly, the place i long for, isn't real anymore. i told julian and dan, "i guess the place where i want to move is back to the memories".

that's the truth. i long for the memories. for the good friends, and the family attached to the experiences that changed me most.

this may not be a life-altering realization for most, because i'm guessing it's a common feeling. but, for me, it has really helped. it helps me to look back on those memories with so much thankfulness that they happened at all, even if they had to also end. it makes me feel even more love for the people attached to those memories. it makes me feel more joy. and it makes me realize more fully, that God had ordained those moments, and they changed me. they changed us. and they are a part of who each of us is right now. and we carry them with us always.

i guess the moments, and the times in life i miss so deeply would not be close to as precious if they lasted forever.

and now each moment that i have with my sweet husband, i treasure deep inside my soul, because i know each moment is a gift. and later it will be a memory that makes my heart spark as it fills again with the love i remember feeling back in the moment; however many years ago.

it's almost christmas, and im just thinking, "it's a beautiful life", and i didnt even mean to quote that movie title.

but, it is. and i have such beautiful memories, with such amazingly beautiful people that i will always always treasure.

so, i just want to say to Ride:Well 2008- matthew williams, brianne olson, jesse olson, don miller, margie gordner, mindy gunter, jess abt, jessica blocker, greg bargo, gregg mwendwa, david van buskirk, iron mike barrow, criselda vasquez, jen tyler, drew nelson, joanne cadicomo, and branndon bargo you guys changed me. and what we did together is always a part of who we are now, and who we are becoming. and no one else has these same memories as us. it is so special what we have. and i love each of you, and i will forever.

Ride:Well 2010- dan perkins, cody henderson, demetrius burns, ryan reid, heather goodman, anne taylor-biddle, stephanie smith, lexi austin, shannon jones, jenn vasquez- you guys changed me, and what we have is different and special. and i love each of you and i always will.

cal baptist university- jay potter, hannah barrett, amanda jenkins, drew and taryn mcelvany, rose barnes, and the gang, jacob stoutenberg, lauren vail, heather gibson, tim wilson, garret newman, maydelle white, and 2D!! ISP Rwanda 2007, the post and copy center, and everyone that was there at the same time as me. i miss your faces. those moments we had walking past each other, eating around each other in the caf. we always have those in our hearts and they dont go away. even though it's been 3 years for me since ive been there.

nashville. hilson. journey church. nashvillage. middle school and high school friends. phoenix. frozen yogurt. the bridge church. temecula. the san bernadino mountains. family. hope freaking mendola and PONDO 06!! and 07...

i wont ever move on or forget. but, i will live where i am at right now. because like my friend paul hurckman of (ventureexpeditions.org look it up) said recently, "we want to look at what God is doing right now, and be a part of that".

so, now i am looking at what God is doing in seattle. in my marriage. and with the memories of the past and the good friends that stay close even from far away. and i am more grateful than ever to fondly, with an incredible amount of warmth, look back and remember God is sovereign, and faithful- He gave me these experiences, and He gives new ones even now.

im glad the old ones will always be a part of me. i'm glad all of you will always be a part of me.

love,

erin.

fall and being alive.

i really love fall. i think it's short in washington, but at least it exists. today it exists. there are only wispy clouds in the sky today. no sign of rain; and so many trees lining every street, some of them covered with evidence of fall. red, yellow, orange, even light green; and then the air is crisp and cool; and i feel alive.

i think sometimes it's hard for me to feel alive. like there is a beating heart inside my body. like there is hope.

something im afraid of is getting stuck where i am. in a routine. in a certain place with no hope of change. it's weird that i fear it so much because all life is, is change. everyday is a change. every morning is a new chance for another day of unpredictable life. nothing ever stays exactly the same, even inside of routine. we can predict what will happen tomorrow based on what we did yesterday or our plans, but none of this is a guarantee.

i think i would like to stop fearing getting stuck. but i think i also want to keep adventure a part of my life if i can. i think the answer to not getting too serious, too focused on the negativity of realities in life, are threefold. spontaneity, laughter, and fun. i think these each hold a vital role for us humans. we get too serious, too caught up in working, or trying, or striving, or whatever it is, and we miss out on moments of joy that are found in spontaneity, laughter, and fun.

it's fall today in seattle, and im feeling alive.

it's easier in church.

this sunday, i was sitting in my church filled with the joy of the Lord, thinking to myself, "it's definitely easier in church".

i do have joy in the Lord other times, of course, but in church the worries of life are not forefront in my mind. the loneliness of my previous week slips away. and i often find myself thinking, "i wish i could feel this released from the pressure of life, and from my anxiousness, and loneliness all the time. i wish i could rejoice in the Lord always".

i just read philippians 4 again. it's often quoted. often suggested to us who are prone to worry, and anxiousness; those of us who are prone to wander. it says if you forgot, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things". Phil 4:4-8

if you have been in touch with me lately, you know that i have been going through a series of rough transitional seasons. this is true. but, what is also true is that i have been blessed beyond measure through these seasons. I read through some old journals recently while working on a book i am writing, and found some prayers for a husband, and for a job. they were from two years ago. and when i read them now, i think of how much bigger God is than i make Him. how much more He knows than i realize. how much less there is to worry about than i remember.

the truth is it's easier to be reminded of these things in church. the reason why? because in a church there are people gathered together for a common purpose regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, or background-- to worship and adore their King, to remember His promises; that we are bought with a price...the precious lifeblood of Jesus Christ; that we are adopted into His family; that we are free in Him; that there is no condemnation in Jesus Christ; that He has won the victory over our sin and over all kingdoms; that His Kingdom is within us. and we are filled because we focus in on these truths. We focus in on our God.

but, why don't we do this other times? i mean, i am asking myself. maybe you do it other times and i just don't. maybe sometimes we do it other times. but not always. but, doesnt this passage ask us to rejoice in the Lord always? so, then how do we do that on the other days? how do we do that in loneliness? how do we do that in difficult seasons? in uncertainty? in failure? in grieving? in pain?

i think we do what the rest of the passage says. pray. petition. with thankfulness. how can we muster up thankfulness during hard times? read the rest...

meditate on the things that are true, noble, pure, lovely, the things of good report, and the things that are virtuous, and praiseworthy.

often the things i meditate on are negative, self deprecating, not God honoring, lies, ugly, without virtue, and forgetful of praiseworthiness.

i think when the Word says for us to "take every thought captive to the things of Christ", this is what was meant. to stop the thoughts my mind wanders to, and to focus them on meditation on these 7 things of Christ. in church. and outside the walls of church. in the Church so that my "gentleness [can] be known to all men. [for] the Lord is at hand" and He is at work in the world. and in my heart.

Refill with Life.

A few years back, maybe 5, I bought a shirt at a mewithoutYou show. It has a picture of three bottles filled with sideways numbers in it. and to the right of them it says, "refill with life". Everything I own fits in some duffle bags and a few suitcases and since I have moved 3 times across country in the past 3 years, a lot of my belongings somehow never make it out of the duffle bags and suitcases. one day in nashville, i decided to see what i had in one of the suitcases, and ended up rediscovering this particular shirt.

yesterday i decided to wear the shirt. and the message it exudes spoke to me louder than it has since i first bought it.

refill with life. i looked at the sideways numbers in the bottles and the words again caught my eye. the truth is, i have been struggling a lot since i left nashville. many things in my life have changed drastically, suddenly, and more quickly than i can process through. and then i find myself one and a half months from getting married, living in seattle, with real things to deal with in practical ways, and a mind that is not prepared, too backed logged, slow to function. and a person to walk with me through all of this who has to deal with more than he ever could have imagined.

i think about the numbers in the bottles. filling them up with day to day stresses, sadness, hopelessness, mundane, complacency- i mean, the world in essence.

then there is life.

John 10:10 Jesus says, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly".

abundant life.

where else am i walking if i'm not walking with Christ in abundant life? im walking sluggishly, like the fool, missing the joy of the Lord, missing the hope of glory in Christ, missing the path of God.

my prayer is that God would "refill [me] with life" abundant life. so, i will have joy in Him. i'm learning a lot and meditating on some key Scriptures like Matthew 6:32-34 which says, "For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble".

how do i erase the sideways numbers in the bottles of my soul and refill with life? seek first the Kingdom and all these things will be added to me. all the things God knows i need. not want. but need.

im ready to be free again. to experience abundant life. to wait on the Lord. for Him to renew my strength.

thanks be to God. for He is good. His love endures forever.

I bought my wedding dress on a tuesday.

I wrote this on a wednesday.

Boy oh boy have I been learning a lot in the last few months. I have had some measure of writers block since I moved to Seattle. Most days I dream of working on my book, but don’t move much past that dream. It is sitting in my trunk waiting to be rescued. Today I feel like dreaming and doing. Today I see God at work. Today my eyes are open. My ears are hearing. My heart is full. Today I trust God. Today I really believe He is good. Today I’m not afraid.

But, yesterday. Yesterday was Tuesday.

I think most of us since we were tiny, had some kind of dream about the day we would get married. It’s like this illusive reality. A date in the future that we cannot really wrap our minds around. Who will it be? How old will I be? Will it happen for me? What will my wedding day be like? Who will be my bridesmaids? What will my wedding dress look like? We either think of these often or just figure they will be a part of our lives at some point, and we subconsciously look forward to this day. No matter who we are though, we think of getting married to some degree, and we imagine what the day will be like.

I got proposed to on a beach on my 25^th birthday. And I bought my wedding dress on a Tuesday. I never thought ahead about what it would be like to experience engagement. I never thought about marriage counseling. To some degree, I guess I imagined I would meet with my pastor before the “big day” and discuss things about marriage to prepare. I never imagined I would take a class. That I would be in small group, listen to a teaching, do a lot of homework, and meet with a pastor I didn’t know to prepare for my marriage. I never imagined it would be messy. That I would have to dig deep down and find the things that have happened in my life which make me who I am today, and see the truth of what needs to be called out, and what needs to be changed. I always believed what I heard about how being married will be the most significant part of one’s sanctification. But, I never really knew why. I never knew it was because you can’t hide from yourself anymore. Because you can’t ignore the necessity of change, of sacrifice, or repentance. Not anymore. Not when someone else is getting ready to become one flesh with you. You have to consider them. You can no longer run. Or even try to.

I’m not one to ignore problems; to pretend like everything is okay when it is not. But, there are things in my heart that feel really deep, that God is calling out and reminding me that He has freed me from them so I need not be enslaved to them any longer. I watched a documentary on Rwanda. It’s called “Wounded Healers”. It expresses God’s power to reconcile enemies to each other, even in regards to one of the world’s most horrendous tragedies, namely, the Rwandan Genocide. In this documentary Pascal, a Tutsi Rwandan citizen, survives the genocide. His pregnant wife, however, does not. She is murdered by their neighbor Narcisse, a Hutu, who has been brainwashed to believe this innocent pregnant woman is an enemy. Pascal is the first of many Rwandans to genuinely forgive Narcisse for his crime. It’s hard to believe this to be possible. But, if we remember who our God is, we remember the truth He proclaims, “nothing will be impossible with God”. This floors me. But, it is real. And a reminder to me, and to everyone who sees any part of Rwanda’s story of reconciliation that God is who He said He was. He is love. He is good. He does work everything together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He is involved. He does care. He is in the business of justice. Of Hope. Of reconciliation. Of shalom. He is at work. And He is faithful. We can’t completely understand God. Where He is coming from, and why He does things the way He does. But, we can hold on to these truth’s that we know about Him.

Yesterday was Tuesday. But, today is Wednesday. I’m in Seattle in March and the sun is out. It’s 65 degrees and God is here. Today there is hope. My grandma just told me something I won’t soon forget. She said, “the things we worry about are things that never end up happening”. This is important for me to remember because yesterday, on Tuesday, God began to reveal a work He has been doing in my heart, namely freedom. In marriage counseling I brought up my fear of death. My fear of Dan dying. Of God doing whatever He wants to get glory. All of these real fears I hold onto which reveal my heart of unbelief in God. That a sin I am tempted by is fear, and a wrong view of the Creator God. I started believing deep in my heart lies that I had yet to recognize. That God is angry at me. That God is harsh. That God will not be faithful. That God will not carry me through the heartache of losing a loved one, even though He has already. That God is absent from me, and cannot come closer. That none of this will ever change. I cried a lot in counseling, and confessed these things to God.

And today is Wednesday, and I feel free.

My wedding dress is long and white. Made of cotton eyelet material. My wedding celebration is in 115 days from today. I got an internship at Rwanda Partners today. And God reminded me to trust Him. Not because He will give me what I want. But, because He will not withhold from me joy regardless of whether I end up getting what I want, or I end up experiencing what I fear most. He reminded me that He is good, and that what I worry about most likely won’t end up happening, but even if it does, He will never leave nor forsake me. He reminded me to consider the ravens and the lilies. And He reminded me that He foreknew what would happen in my life before He knit me together in my mother’s womb. And that He knew I would buy my wedding dress on a Tuesday.

i am changing. less, and less asleep.

i dont want to leave here.
i dont want to stay.
it feels like pinching to me. either way.

the places i long for the most are the places where i've been.
they are calling out to me. like a long lost friend.

it's not about losing faith.
it's not about trust.
it's all about comfortable when you move so much.

and the place i was, wasnt perfect. but i had found a way to live.
and it wasnt milk or honey. but, then neither is this.

i've been painting pictures of egypt.
leaving out what it lacks.
the future feels so hard and i want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me. cannot hold the things i've learned.
and those roads were closed off to me. while my back was turned.
(sara groves)
------------------------

when i stand before the Lord. i'll be standing alone.
this journey is my own.
still i want man's advice.
and i need man's approval.
but, this journey is my own.

why would i want to live for man. and pay the highest price.
what does it mean to gain the whole world. only to lose my life?
(sara groves)
-----------------------

i keep wanting You to be fair.
but that's not what You said.

i want certain answers to these prayers.
but that's not what You said.

what i thought i wanted.
what i got instead.
leaves me broken.
and grateful.
(sara groves)

-------------------------

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

there's nothing left of me to defend.

i turn everything over.
turn myself in.

im an already, but not yet. resurrected. fallen man.

come break this limbo.
(switchfoot)

----------------------------

walking. stumbling.
on these shadowfeet.
to a Homeland that i've never seen

i am changing.
less. and less asleep.
made of different stuff than when i began.

and i have sensed it all along.
fast approaching is the day.

when the world is falling out from under me.

i'll be found in You.

still standing.

...You make all things new.
(brook fraser)
----------------------------

"With what shall I come before the LORD,

And bow myself before the High God?

Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings,

With calves a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,

Ten thousand rivers of oil?

ShallI give my firstborn for my transgression,

The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has shown you, O man,

What is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But, to do justly,

to love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?"

Micah 6:6-8

a new year is about to start. people are making resolutions. deals with themselves and with others. to be better. to do better.

i have been making these deals with myself and with others all year. all my life. to be better. to do better.

there's just been one problem this whole time. i have been doing it for me. i have been pursuing what i want my life to be. for me. i have been seeking God. for me. i have been loving others. for me.

what is encouraging about this is twofold. one. is that God is bigger than my intentions. He is bigger than my motivations. He changes them consistently. He checks my selfishness. and saves me from destruction. because He redeems that which is inadequate, i have not lived my life in vain thus far. i have simply been on a road to this realization. and now that i am reaching this road, there is a new road in front of me. it's a road of deeper fellowship with God. of a more full joy. a more full life. a better understanding. awakeness. peace that surpasses understanding. and love for God and for His Kingdom. and for others that is not something i can conger up. but it is overflowing out of me. a reflection of Christ. because of Him and for Him and through Him.

i have been asking God to help me live life more rightly. to think rightly about Him. about life. about situations. i have been asking Him to help me find Him more real. find life more real. find joy that penetrates pain. that brings hope. that dispells fear. that encourages walking. even through the mundane.

He is answering.

this year has been long. it started with a move to arizona to live with my mom for the first time since i was four. it was something both of us had dreamed of for a very long time, and it was finally happening. but, it wasnt perfect. we never expected that we would live together at the time when my mom would be hurting more than she had ever hurt before. at the time when we would experience loss. and not know what to do. it wasn't perfect, but God was working. in me. in her.

i lived there until september. for all of june and some of july i co-lead the ride:well pacific coast inaguaral tour. we had a great, great team. people that after you meet them, you just continue to thank God that He would allow you to exist at the time they existed. and He would allow you to know them. just like on the 2008 team. it was beautiful. and i met dan on that tour. God brought us together outside of both of our control. we weren't seeking each other. we were walking with God. doing justice.

then God brought me to seattle. to a house with 6 girls. to a closer relationship with dan. to hardships. to brokenness. to beauty. to joy. to unmet expectations. to what it is to be content with much. with little. material possessions or circumstances.

i am changing.

today i was praying. and i started thanking God for everything. i started listing things. from the present backwards. and He reminded me that He has carried me. that He has been guiding me and He wont stop. and He will provide the people that later i will thank Him for having the privelege to know.

when i look back at times like this, i can refect on how i got to each place i went. how i got to pondo and met hope. and so so many other people who are dear to me. and will forever be no matter what. how i got to Cal Baptist and met the gang! people who changed me. who walked alongside me and help me see God. and how i got on the 2008 ride:well team. and got involved in something bigger than myself. more beautiful than words can describe. that brought me to a relationship with blood:water mission. with venture expeditions. and with 17 dear friends. and how that lead me to nashville. and nashvillage. and the hilson house. and community life. and how that brought me to phoenix. and that brought me closer to God. and that brought me to do ride:well again. and that brought me to 10 more dear friends. and that brought me to dan. and that brought me to seattle. and that brought me to know and experience God. to meet more people who are seeking Him. to be a part of a story that doesnt end.

to find that where God is, is in the little things. in the faithful walk. in the looking to Him. in the trust. the not worrying. in the simple life.

in the love of Him first. the pursuance of Him and the praise of His glory.

i find that i am changing.

because He is working. and i am resting in Him. and remembering that He guides. and that what He requires of us is to do justice. love mercy. and walk humbly with Him.

not to worry. not to control. not to know what to do.

just to walk.

so in 2011, i'll be walking. and i dont know where i'll walk to. it might be close. it might be far. it might be so tiny. it might be so big. it might go unnoticed.

but, it will be good. so, i'll let go. and be better. for God. because of Him in me.

growing pains..

i remember being a little kid. staying outside til the street lights came on. playing frisbee golf, and having nerf wars. water balloon fights, riding bikes, playing super nintendo, never wanting to shower. those days were happening and they felt like they would never end. they felt like slow motion. no time to worry about the future when youre watching rocco's modern life, and playing donkey kong.

somehow since then i turned 24, and now im almost 25. and i am done with college. i mean, i have been done with college for almost 2 years. somehow. time must have fast forwarded somewhere when i wasnt paying attention. so many things have happened. and i find myself in phoenix, about to move to seattle. still completely unsure how to rightly think about the future. unsure how to make sound decisions. unsure where to walk. who to walk with. when to turn. when to run. when to slow down. when to take deep breaths. when to "grow up".

somehow in the last 2 weeks i realized i can feel it. i mean, i remember when i was a kid and my legs would hurt because i was growing and i could feel it. now i am 24 and everything feels crazy because i am growing and i can feel it. this time, i think, it hurts more. because this time it isn't my body growing. my body is actually getting weaker. it's my spirit, my charecter, my reality. that's what's growing this time.

there are all these real life things that happen when we "grow up". things that i just didnt let myself focus on, or didnt know i would need to focus on. ways the world works. things i want to change about how the world works. the system. marriage. a house. a mortgage. children. 9-5. retirement. vacation. cars. money. settling.

it's too much. where did the street lights go? the nerf wars. the water balloons. rocco?

they have been replaced by decisions. reality. future. a vast emptiness of the unknown.

well, guess what decisions. guess what reality, guess what future, i dont know what to do with you! you came to quickly with no warning. and you expected me to be ready. i dont know how to be ready. so, i just wanted to call you out. and tell you that it hurts. sometimes it can be really exciting to imagine what could happen. but, then i get nervous or something. because i cant make what i imagine be reality. i can only operate in reality. and i dont have any clue what that will set before me. so it's hard. and im not complaining. just stating the facts.

one thing i know is that God is faithful. i know it. and ive seen it. and i believe it. and i'll walk in it. my prayer as im growing is this. Psalm 143:8 Cause me to know Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift my soul to You".

i dont believe we can make sabotaging decisions in life when we are trusting the God who made us. and He is showing us mercy and grace. i am just unsure of how to navigate through the uncertaintly of life. it's foggy. and vast. and sometimes i wish someone would just come outside and tell me it's time for dinner, or it's past my bedtime. something. so, i wouldnt feel like time was happening too fast. that all of the sudden this will all be over. the inbetween will seem blurry then, but now, now it is my reality. now im experiencing growing pains. not in my legs. but, in my soul.

my only calm is You.

i went to nashville recently. before the floods. everyone asks me if i went before the floods. i did. but, i wish i was there now. to help with rebuilding. to be a part of nashville's incredible community. i want to say with everyone that "i am nashville". i love it. i love community. what a beautiful thing.

when i was in nashville a lot happened. i mean, i did a lot of things. but, also a lot happened in my mind. and i think i grew again. i didnt really plan much. i just lived everyday. i only had 6 days, and i didnt want to rush it. i wanted to enjoy it. when i landed, it felt like home. i think there was such a struggle there for me, and then God brought me past the struggle, and now it feels like home. there is a warmth there. a hope. a community. and i have that same community in southern california. and it's older. more established. a lovely group of amazing people who want to change the world. i want to join them. and i want to be in nashville. i want a lot of things, but they are mostly to be with people. sometimes i want a car with a sunroof. or a stereo that works. but mostly i just want to be with people.

so then i dont know what to do again. what choice to make. and i know i still have time in phoenix. i like phoenix. it has been a good experience. my mom and i crack up laughing often, i made some great friends and i get to hang out with criselda, and i go to a church that is doing life in love; the way i think it's supposed to be done, and training here has really worked out. but, i dont think im staying. i dont know when im leaving though. or where to.

in my mind it's nashville (and in my heart). but it's only nashville if it happens. because if it happens it is right. and chances are i'll be reading this blog in 8 months from nashville and everything will have worked out just like it always does. and i'll be thinking, "wait, how did i even get this job..this house..these roommates?". that's how it always is. haha. oh life.

here's what im doing...looking for jobs on churchstaffing.com, youthspecialties.com, cnm.org, and americorps...in nashville. because, if i were to make the decision based on people alone, i would decide to split myself in half, or better yet, clone myself!! and one of me would go to southern california, and the other one to nashville, and still the other two would be in phoenix, and in portland. haha. really though. that would be so great. :)

but, im making the decision based on everything. God, networking, an understanding that it's no accident where we go, non profits, southern hospitality, and seasons.

ive been listening to david crowder band's latest cd, Church Music. it is so excellent. great, even, for stationary bike music. inspiring!

the song "can i lie here" caught my attention today, "can i lie here in Your arms? x2 my only calm is You, save me...my only thought is You, save me...my happiness is You, save me".

it made me think a lot. and time stopped while i closed my eyes and lip sinked to it in the gym. (only one lady was there. she has seen me do it before). i thought a lot of who God is. who He has to be. who He is has always been, and will be. how He is everything. and that is more freeing than anything else i can think of. and it made me think of not making plans. of just walking. ive been talking a lot of micah 6:8 because it keeps coming up in my life. "what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice. to love mercy. and to WALK humbly with Your God". how do you do the first two things in this verse? you walk. you walk and walk and walk, and things happen along the way. and there is still responsibility. but it looks different than it does when you are not walking with God. not just when you are not a believer, but when you are not walking with God. (we all forget..i mean, look at peter.."hey peter, I'm over here. walk to Me"-Jesus. "okay Jesus...uhh waves under me" -Peter as he looks down at the waves...SPLASH)

hey erin. walk with God.

oh...good idea.

also, the song made me think of 2 corinthians 10:5 "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". this is where it's talking about how our weapons of warefare are not of this world. they are mighty in God. but the idea of our thoughts. every thought captive. it means catching all our thoughts, and stopping them from preventing us from walking with God. this area is one of the big ones for me. im a daydreamer. not always a bad thing. but, can get in the way of reality. of walking. of movement.

and i thought about the line in the song, "my only thought is You, save me". when things are right in our minds, they move also to our hearts, and then we are freed from the flesh. freed to walk with God unhindered. and then there is joy. and things happen. whatever is right for us to learn. whatever is right for life to be lived the way it was created to be lived. whatever is right for God to recieve glory. whatever is right for people to be touched, to be healed, to not only hear about the love of Christ, but to see it in action (1 john 3:18). that's what happens.

it may not be what we think will happen. what we would have daydreamed would happen. but it's what happens. and sometimes it is full of sorrow. and we cant understand why it would happen. but, God has equipped us for sorrow. He has given us Himself. He has given us each other.

we are ready. we can walk across the raging sea. He is our calm. He is our thought. He is our joy. and freedom.

nashville. california. phoenix. portland. cameroon. kenya. tanzania. central african republic. swaziland. cambodia. thailand. ireland. south africa. ghana. ethiopia. rwanda.

wherever i end up, im going to keep walking. with God. and whatever happens will be right. and that will be good.

the pressure. the weight. the freedom. the release. and walking.

oh the pressure of life has been weighing on me lately. sometimes, i guess, i get this idea that everything i want to do needs to be done now. or quickly. and there is no time to actually relax. even when i am sitting doing nothing, im thinking of the lists of things i want to accomplish and convincing myself that there are too many things. overwhelmed, i begin to rush life. i miss out on the journey. i ignore the freedom, and i stop walking.

today we went to see don speak. he was the guest speaker at a church in gilbert that reminded me a lot of the oaks fellowship in red oak, texas. don hit the nail on the head. this church in gilbert, az is focused on the verse micah 6:8. "what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God". don was invited to speak on the part of the verse that says, "walk humbly with God". he spoke a lot about walking. about movement with God. about how we connect with God when we are doing. when we jump in. when we take risks. when we dream big, and move with Him. he talked about being a child. when we would create as children. if someone gave us a box of crayons and a peice of paper we would go to town on that paper, creating something beautiful and chaotic on the canvas. don talked about doing that now, as followers of Christ. not asking God, "what is Thy will for my life?", but saying, "thank you for this canvas, God, thank you for this freedom" and drawing on it, whatever is in our hearts. just start drawing. even if it is a purple horse. dive in.

he said, "find the thing that's in your heart, that moves you most, and do it" he said, "God gave that to you". don talked about us being a part of an orchestra as the Body of Christ. he quoted his band director, who said, "when you are playing make sure you never stop looking at me, and keep listening for the other instruments; if you can't hear them, you are playing too loud". don said this a good metaphor for our lives with Christ. keep looking at Him and listening to the voices of the Orchestra around us. in this orchestra of the Body, God gets the solo. but we have to play. together.

and that is beautiful. and that is freedom. and when i think of all of this. and when i think of how God uses the weak to lead the strong. the weary and broken to speak out. i remember that He gets the glory. and this life is a gift. and when i remember all of this, the weight begins to lift. the pressure begins to release.

but it always comes back. and when it comes back i think maybe i am bipolar, or i have some sort of emotional problems that only good sessions of heavy counseling can unravel. i mean, because this pressure is sometimes hard to bear. the thing is it's brought on by my own self. my own mind. maybe satan. a confusion that tells me im doing everything wrong. im missing out on something. im going to make a bad decision that changes everything. my dreams will never be fulfilled. everyone is against me. no one hears what i say. and then because i am thinking so much about myself, i focus on stripping myself of self. i think constantly, how can i stop being selfish? how can i take the focus on me and make sure all my motivation is found in loving God?

and then don talked about humility. about stripping oneself of self. and how if we are thinking about it, we are focused on ourselves. and we can't become selfless this way. like everything else in life, we have to just live. we have to just walk. we have to keep our eyes on God and walk. and when we are doing this, we distract ourselves from the idea of humility, selflessness, and we just are humble, and selfless. and we dont even realize it. like Jesus. but, because we are human, and not God, we can only get a glimpse of this in life. in our interactions with God; when we are distracted by His glory, we get a glimpse of how amazing He is, and we are, in those moments, freed from ourselves.

in walking with God, i've begun to see the pressure that i put on myself. im thinking it will always be there. but, im thinking things like training for ride:well, riding across america, being a part of a team, community, and moving across country make it fade. i think that doing things that scare me start releasing the pressure. and when i breathe in God there is freedom. and the weight is lifted. and i am less likely to be quick to anger, more likely to smile. less likely to have a headache, and more likely to rest in Him. and when my heart starts beating too quickly, i will know to stop my mind from racing, and breathe in deeply. and then release.

thoughts...what makes us feel hopeless, and what brings us hope?

today i went on a bike ride with a new friend. our conversation came to the loss of hope in life. this was at the beginning of the ride. and i rode those 3 hours thinking a lot about this reality.

we all experience loss. we all experience pain..physical, emotional, all kinds of pain. we all experience hopelessness. a loss of interest in living. a loss of reason for living. a loss of purpose.

it is real. we cant ignore this. so, my mind began to spin with ideas of how to address it. what to look for. how to bring hope back into the hearts of people who have lost it. how to regain purpose. dignity. reason to keep moving. when you have lost it.

the thing is i think we all find hope outside of ourselves. we cannot find it inside us. not first anyway. there has to be an outside source of hope. for me it is God. it is His redemption. it is His promise. His covenant. His faithfulness. His love dispite this worlds hatred. His mercy despite this worlds judgement. His freedom despite this worlds chains. He is our hope. He is our peace. He is everything we need.

but what if we dont know Him. what if we think we dont need Him. what if we are confused about who He is? what if only have ourselves? where can we find hope. where can we regain a reason to live?

not from ourselves. it has to be from someone else. from children in africa whose parents have died of AIDS and they are now orphans. we find hope from their smile. we find hope in their dreams. we find hope in their innocent eyes that tell us there is more to life. there cant be just us from nothing returning to nothing. there is something. and we are a part of that something. there is hope. and a reason to live. even if none of us know for sure what that reason is. we all feel it.

unless we have let ourselves stop seeing a reason to hope. unless we have experienced loss or pain and we have not coped with it. when we do not address issues, they stay issues. and while it is hard. beyond hard. heart wrenching sometimes. like the orphan who smiles. we have to find that smile. we have to move. we have to walk. we have to know that this time on the earth, where there is pain, sorrow, loss, choas, monstrousities like human traffiking, diseases, lack of access to basic necessities, selfishness, murder, and even just death. where there is sorrow there is also hope. there is "hope in the dark".

and we may not see it because we focus on the suffering as if we are alone in it. we are not alone. this is very true for us as followers of Christ. because in Christ there is family. acts 17:26 says we were all made from one blood. they same blood runs through us all. and we have been adopted into a family of hope.

and without Christ? the peace that hope brings cannot truly come. i dont think i am right about everything in life. but i think i am right about this. when there is hopelesness. there is not Christ.

when there is Christ there is reason to live. dignity. hope. movement. even in the midst of suffering, death, pain. things i cannot even begin to understand. i know there is hope because i see it in the faces of orphans who smile. and that brings me hope. and it makes me move. and share this hope. and bring this peace to the hearts of those who dont have it. what an incredible gift. i could never have deserved, no matter what i do.